Sometimes Normal People Break Stuff Down, Cause it’s FUNNY

19 Apr

Still there ya'll. Gosh I am so jelly of you purple ladies.

Dear Team Purple:

In case you can’t tell by the massive picture o beauty, ya’ll are still in NZ, Middle Earth, land of the Kiwi, and home of the Orcs. While I watch and sift through all these photos of where I wish I was right now, I let some ladies you know…..well, one of you knows well, take over and bring some fresh perspective and thoughts of your last epidsode of the Biggest Loser. The ladies of course, are from that one site about that one book and that one guy, you know the one.

I am entirely too exhausted from the slave driver’s at work envious of your BL “vacay” in beauty land to manage blogging another night. And really, who doesn’t love reading what these two ladies bring? We all know UC & MOON really know how to “Break it Down”. So, on with it:

Hannah jumps off a cliff

UC: First of all: full confession but I missed last week’s episode. So this is odd…. to me.. where in California do they throw you over a cliff? On a plastic chair> Is this a red-neck activity up there in northern Cali? Aren’t they supposed to be all refined & crap?

Moon: This is the new ride at Universal Studios: California’s Redneck Adventures. After they got rid of the Back to the Future ride (tragedy!!) it all went downhill. Now they give you a PBR and a trucker hat with every admission. They also moved Universal Studios to the east side of Los Angeles where I live with all the hipsters who enjoy the irony of this. Sad times.

UC: okay- wait.. newsflash UC. You know where they are…. NEW ZEALAND! I saw the pics on Olivia’s fb page

UC: Hannah looks AMAZING. I want to do that! I mean. Not at all. But kinda.

Moon: If by “do that” you mean wear spandex on national television than count me the HALE out. Snaps to the girls for rocking the ‘dex in front of God and everyone.

UC: More confession time: I usually find myself eating the worst possible meal while watching Biggest Loser. And then feeling really guilty because while Olivia only gets to eat like 1,000 calories a day, I’m chowing down on a 1,000 calorie burrito or plate of nachos.
Tonight I’m okay though- I made a homemade pizza with broccoli. It just has a little bit of cheese. So It’s all good. Until I eat half of it because Mr. choice isn’t home to stop me

Moon: THANK GOD!!! I thought I was the only one who made homemade mac n cheese or pasta and butter or nachos and settled in to watch Olivia and the gang push a truck around the ranch while Jillian RIDES one of the contestants like a show pony.

UC: [side note Nice green screen Bob. Nice everything Bob. All the time. Stupid lucky man (or men) in his life]

(Editor’s Note: This is where I insert gratuitous pics of #HotBOB, but the pics won’t stay put here. UGHHH -J)

Rulon & Olivia training with Bob:
UC: WHOA… other stuff i missed… Rulon wanted O to go home last week?? ugh UGH… blacklisted! that means nothing cuz he was never on any sort of list. but I will NEVER get teary-eyed when I hear his sad life stories ever again! NO WAY Rulon!

Moon: WHATEVER RULON!!!! I will never salute you or your Olympic Medal again or think you’re a sweet guy with wrestler/califluor ears. You are officially on notice for trying to get the (real) O off the show. JERK!

The one where they all have to row
UC: Seriously? Allison (Ali?) is in a WINTER PARKA and they have to get IN that water? What is this activity called again? Water boarding? Is this what the CIA does to terrorists? ANd Olivia has to do it?

Moon: I’m pretty sure Biggest Loser is just a government cover up for a CIA training program they’re trying to mask as a “game show” so that we all get comfortable with the contestants and would NEVER think they’re actually special ops who kick ass on the side. Allison Sweeny is the Agent M of the group and Bob is the Bosley.

UC: [SIDE NOTE: All Aboard with Bob I jumped onto NBC's biggest loser page to read why Courtney isn't there (SAD! Apparently I've missed more than 1 episode. Oops) and what do I see!? ALL ABOARD WITH BOB & this amazing image: 

Seriously? A CRUISE with BOB? Will Olivia be there to do my hair & make-up every day? I hope. ]

Moon: No, but Jillian will be there to ride you around the Lido deck. Also do you wonder if they have the midnight chocolate buffet or the all-you-can eat Mexican Fiesta night like most cruises or is it granola and egg whites while Bob teaches the proper way to comb your hair over into the perfect Don Draper bang swoop?

Okay back to the race:
UC: This race is so exciting I even put down my third piece of Pizza YAY!!!!! OLIVIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO one can send our girl home this week!!! Plus she gets a helicopter tour no one gives a crap about!

Moon: What they really want is a tour of middle earth! HELLO! Who doesn’t want to visit where the shot Lord of the Rings and imagine dancing with the Hobbits in the shire and defeating an army of Orcs (read: Rulons) for the ONE RING (aka smaller waist size).

Helicopter tour
UC: Okay. That’s pretty. Maybe it is kinda a big deal. Plus there’s the bonding time for sisters. Oh and there go the waterworks again. Damn you biggest loser. Also danngggg diamonds in Obird’s ears. Are they from Bob? I hope.

Moon: Wait, is that an army of Rulons I see down there?! KILL THEM! Or throw out a few thousand bags of chips that will handle him. ALLEGEDLY (according to the not so secret hidden camera footage).

The Weigh In
UC: I’m SOO glad O has immunity. I couldn’t handle the pressure this week. I’m a wreck enough for Hannah. I can’t handle both of them. (PS sidenote, I gasp at ALL the high & low numbers they flash up there thinking the scale will stop that high or that low. I sound like a major loser. Okay, carry on)
NINETY THREE POUNDS LOST. Dang girl. DANG!!!!!

Moon: I get really annoyed at the weigh in’s because it’s not like THAT’S an actual scale. They didn’t tote the world’s largest trucker weigh station scale out to the side of a mountain in New Zealand. They weigh them off camera. UGH. But I do love the theatrics! OMG 135!? Did someone actually lose 50 pounds in one week? Oh wait, it’s 203… no it’s 178… DANG IT JUST TELL ME!!

UC: I’m just gonna say it. And I’m gonna mean it. I HOPE RULON GOES HOME.

Moon: You mean the leader of the Orcs?

UC: UGHHHH I Spoke too soon. He lost 10 pound? GRRR

Moon: Dang it the chip drop sabotage from the helicopter didn’t work?! Foiled again!

UC: I will not speak until Hannah weighs in.

UC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… This is not her week. This is not her week. Oh there you go Olivia.. Being encouraging, making me cry. I’m officially scared for anyone who votes for Hannah to go home. Olivia might stab them in their sleep with her eyeliner pencil!!!!

Moon: If she uses the MAC pencil you KNOW she means business. That ish ain’t cheap yall! I think I see it in her hand behind her back…

UC: TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!!! If I promise to shop at Kohls & eat Wholly Guacamole, do you think Obird can get them to knock off the commercials? I’ll even take more product placement because it’s just funny watching the girls pretend they love subway sandwiches as much as they make it seem like they do.

Moon: What about the Biggest Losers prepackaged meal plan and Bob’s Quaker Oatmeal (“Quaker Oatmeal is how I start my day!” Sure Bob!) and the many appearances by host of the brand new season of NBC/Universal/Bravo’s Top Chef CURTIS STONE!? Ok, ok Curtis can stay. Cause he’s hot. I’d leg wrestle Hannah for him.

The waterworks
UC: I can’t see the keyboard so I can’t type anything right now. BRB while I go rob a tissue store. Hannah can’t go home. Can’t. CAN’T!!!!!!

Moon: Dude her and whats his name are killing me. His whole story and the secret issues and all that. WAHHH!

UC: Olivia should have been a counselor. I mean, she’s a pretty darn good singer too, but seriously- she’s such a soothing speaker & encourager.

UC: Phew. Hannah is safe. Although I feel so sad. THis show sucks. I watch TV to be entertained. Not to cry & be uplifted. Dammit BIggest Loser. Dammit.

Moon: Next week on “We’re trying our hardest to make you cry…” Someone is reunited with their biological parents, a long lost brother is found, the cure for cancer is discovered and a children’s choir sings song of peace. CAN’T WAIT!!

So, yes, the ladies have the same problem that Lula and I have every week. Too many tears to type, not enough patience to deal with Rulon, and an affinity for #HotBOB. It’s nice to know that we’re all “NORMAL”.

Loves and Hugs,

Jane, Lula, UC and MOON

PS Sometimes I steal blog concepts from these girls who write letters….they love me through it.

Middle Earth, Clearly….and “Purple Moments are NOT Boring”

12 Apr

Aramisette, is this the BOB you love, right here?

Middle Earth = NZ, duh

8:00 PM Jane: Wait are we here?

 Lula:   hey, JANE

  ok, here we go!!!!!

  Look, it’s BOB.

  aramisette, we always refer to BOB in all caps.

 Jane: YO ya’ll!

 Aramisette: k

 Jane: It’s time

8:01 PM We have Ms. Aramisette with us tonight to share in her awesomeness

 Aramisette: Draamaaaaa

 Lula: DRAMZ.

 Jane: “Trainer” is that what we are calling Brett now?

 Aramisette: oh yes it CAN Tara

 Lula: YAY, MARTA IS OUR PEOPLE.

  No, we are calling Brett, Buh-Bye.

  (Mean)

 Aramisette: Durh

  EEEeeeeeep!!!!!

 Jane: Watch their faces!

 Aramisette: So

  Freaking

  JELLY!

 Lula: Um, hi.

8:02 PM Please go to Middle Earth. JEALOUS.

  Awesome.

 Jane: SOOO exciting. O just gave an O face

 Aramisette: have other seasons gone anywhere?

  HA! Jane

  I didn’t watch BL before this

 Jane: Ummm wait, did she just say, “NZ I have heard of it” like it is a book

  Oh no

 Aramisette: hahaha

8:03 PM Lula: I don’t know if they’ve ever gone anywhere

  but oh dear–Kaylee. no.

 Jane: OK, yes Marta I think they have gone places before

  But not sure. We’ll ask Jen from BL

 Lula: Olivia deserves luxury. let’s just say it now.

 Aramisette: whaaaat?

  Oh Hannah

  not good

 Lula: GO OLIVIA.

  craptastic.

 Aramisette: Noooooo

8:04 PM Jane: Awww shucks

 Lula: He seriously needs a new did. Love his heart.

 Aramisette: I wonder if he makes it to makeover week

 Jane: PURTTY

 Look at how skinny O’s face is.

(Apparently we’re admiring O’s face for a bit)

8:06 PM Aramisette: very cool that Hannah and Olivia got to go to NZ together

 Jane: Awww Moses knows about Auckland

 Aramisette: of course!

  it’s part of his history

  i like Alison’s hair btw

 Jane: How much do we love Sami’s belt

 Aramisette: bungee jumping!!

 Lula: ADVENTURE!

8:07 PM Jane: I really liked Sami’s outfit too!

  Finally adventure

 Aramisette: how long arethey in NZ?

 Lula: Yes, loved Sami Brady’s outfit. Very Spring-y.

  It takes like 2 days to fly there…18 hour flight, but then you gotta adjust your body clock and all that mess.

 Aramisette: Ha!

  DearTeamPurple

8:08 PM Aramisette: “They’re in Middle Earth:”

  BWahahaha

 Lula: ROSIE PEREZ

 Aramisette: SO TRUE

  she’s a tiny lil Rosie Perez

 Jane: Look at them running up them stairs. Amazing

 Lula: Jane named her that–Rosie Perez, Jr. so genius

 Jane: YOU ARE HANNAH!!

8:09 PM Aramisette: RP Jr

 Jane: Hannah you are NOT annoying ever…someone else we know who talks like ROsie is annoying

  Poor Ken, bless it

 Lula: Oh, KEN.

 Aramisette: BOB

 Jane: BOB

  jinx

 Lula: BOB is on top.

  TWSS.

 Aramisette: snort

  i love him and his smiling face and tatoos

 Lula: And Olivia is up there with him.

 Jane: Oh no I am worried for Jikk

8:10 PM jill

 Aramisette: shuuuut the fuck up

  holy shiiiiiit

  COMMERCIAL

 Lula: Ken is gonna pass out.

 Jane: That was crazy

  I thought you said Ken just passed out, then I reread

 Lula: and lemme tell y’all–unless Jason or Henry or Alex was waiting to catch me, I would NOT DO THAT SHIZ.

 Jane: He prob did

8:11 PM No way….never

  Marta would you do that bungee stuff?

 Aramisette: maybe?

  i dunno

  i don’t mind rides and stuff

 Jane: Really? My bro did once, but I don’t think I’d do that

 Aramisette: not sure about bumgee jumping

  *bungee

  hahaha

8:12 PM BUMgee

 Jane: I like rides too, but bungee just seems bad for me to try, I feel like I will get hurt, I ALWAYS GET HURT

  BUMGEE sound funnn

 Lula: I don’t mind rides–but that ain’t no ride

 Aramisette: i know

Lula: that is FREE FALLING

  no way.

 Aramisette: fear of my back or neck snapping the wrong way :?

  :/

8:13 PM U are double tweeting LA!

 Jane: YES I wanna cruise with BOB

 Aramisette: all the time lately

 Lula: It’s not me. it’s my computer

 Aramisette: BACK

 Jane: Poor Jill

 Lula: Jane–you go tweet from the account since my laptop is sick or some shiz.

  lame.

 Jane: But you are better at tweeting during the show and you know it

 Lula: she is CUSSING. love her.

8:14 PM Jane: Just double tweet!

 Aramisette: whatever LA

 Jane: I like you twice

 Aramisette: u can just delete the doubles

 Lula: i do delete them!

  Moses & Rulon are like, SWEET. So is Jay.

 Jane: That is NUTZ that they can’t do it cause of weight

  Still an issue

 Aramisette: O is like first with her hand up

 Jane: SHe is!

8:15 PM I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t, but maybe in the moment it would be different

 Lula: Coach Olivia–cheering Ken on. BLESS IT.

 Aramisette: yeah

  me too

 Lula: and Bob is probably gonna make me cry.

8:16 PM Jane: He is being amazing, as per the usual

  BOB RULES

 Aramisette: d’awwww

 Lula: BOB

 Aramisette: they’re being buddies

 Lula: OH MY STARS, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Aramisette: well, we know they didn’t die

  hahaha

 Lula: Olivia is gonna do it!

 Aramisette: she is Monica from Friends

  super control freak

 Jane: Purple Team we are praying for you, even though we know you lived

8:17 PM Aramisette: hahaha

 Jane: SUCH a Monica

 Aramisette: yes

  HOLY FRAAACK

 Jane: Unnatural

  Hahahha

  Ohh BOB

 Lula: UNNATURAL.

  Awesome.

  BOB rocks my world.

 Aramisette: hahahaha

  she’s flaaailing

 Lula: I am so proud of her.

8:18 PM Jane: I just screamed

  I really did with her the whole way

 Lula: IS IT TIGHT ENOUGH?

  Oh, BOB. That is what HE said.

  (Yeah, I said it.)

 Aramisette: he’s like, whyyy?

  oh Bob

8:19 PM it’ll be Ok

 Jane: Hey Maybe Hannah meets a hot NZ guy with a sexy accent

 Aramisette: Oh Jill

  except aging

 Jane: “Exceprt aging”

 Aramisette: hahaha

 Jane: jinx

 Aramisette: dood

  if i went to New Zealand?

  i would so do this

 Jane: I feel for BOB

 Aramisette: once in a lifetime thing

  i’d do everything i could

 Lula: I’d do it if I had a few drinks in me

 Aramisette: YOU CAN DO IT BOB

8:20 PM Jane: BOB will you do me for the BL? Wait, I didn’t say that

  No I DID

 Lula: JANE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

 Aramisette: durtyyyy

 Lula: best line of the night

8:21 PM Jane: I am red, I never talk dirty

 Lula: hey, you might rock his world and he might want a new persuasion

 Aramisette: i want a kiwi accent

 Jane: But he set me up

  YES

 Aramisette: COMMERCIAL

 Jane: Why is it a kiwi? I want to move there. Let’s look into it

 Lula: dude, we looked into going there for our 10th anniversary–

 Aramisette: just the nickname

 Lula: the airfare alone is RIDIC

 Aramisette: lil bro wants to move there

  bad

8:22 PM and live on a farm

 Lula: scott would have to have first or business class due to his longass legs and the flight being so long….

 Aramisette: yeah, if u go

  u do NZ and Australia

 Lula: forget it–like, thousands of dollars

 Aramisette: for like, 3 weeks

  at least

 Lula: but we still say we’re gonna go one day–without our kids

 Aramisette: i get mad at lil bro when he says he’s moving there b/c that means i’ll never see him

8:23 PM Jane: Silly lil bro

  So far I called Lula silly and little bro tonight

  <<<< I AM SILLY

 Lula: oh, Jane–when The Voice premieres, BL is only 1 hour long that night. lame

 Jane: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 Lula: (I am silly)

8:24 PM Jane: Maybe they will combine and put Christina on the bL that night, no?

 Aramisette: just 1 night?

 Lula: i think–just that night

  Xtina needs some Trainer BOB to whip her boo-tay into shape

  so does Cee-Lo but i loves him

8:25 PM Jane: I know. I was being mean. I NEED 2 hours of Olivia.

  And she cheers him on from thousands of feet down.

 Lula: oh heeeeeeeey, random NZ cutie

 Aramisette: HOT

8:26 PM crazy kiwis

 Jane: Very very hot

 Aramisette: with their super hot accents

 Lula: bless it

 Aramisette: i need me one of those adventure men

  GO KEN

 Jane: KEN!! Amazing

 Lula: I hope Jillian jumps on him

8:27 PM Aramisette: so sad that Courtney couldn’t be here :(

 Jane: Me too.

  I like Jill’s tee-shirt and enthusiasm

  I can’t spell that

8:28 PM Hahah

  Whatever

 Lula: en-thu-seeeeee-as-m.

8:29 PM Jane: Good for you Moses and BOB. Love it!

 Aramisette: Awwwww

 Jane: Tears may be coming, hearing men cry make me cry

 Lula: BOB is the man

8:30 PM Aramisette:  that was weird

 Jane: It was, there must have been more

  Dear BOB: GIVE Olivia the phone!

 Aramisette: ON

8:31 PM Lula: a lot of times, aramisette, Jane and I admit when we’re bord.

 Aramisette: Kiiiiwiiii!

 Lula: bored.

  we’ll say, THIS IS BORING.

 Aramisette: hahaha

 Lula: and then talk about how we love Olivia.

  ain’t no thang

 Jane: And is this where THE pic came from on FB??

  That is very cool

 Aramisette: what ic?

  *pic?

 Jane: Maybe Austin will be a boatsmen

 Lula: the pic on Jillian’s FB that had Jay in it–so we all knew that Jay was the one coming back.

 Jane: Jill had a pic on FB when she went to NZ with everyone and it showed Jay

 Lula: #NoSurprise

 Jane: Hahaha

8:32 PM This looks fun

 Aramisette: what do u mean the one coming back?

  #confuzzled

 Lula: ‘member, Hannah & Rulon brought Jay back to their team cause it was just the 2 of them

  cause he’d been sent home a long time ago

 Aramisette: ooooh

  ok

 Jane: I want to go sailing!

8:33 PM Aramisette: me too

  my mum used to sail

 Lula: me, too. even though this is kinda boring

 Aramisette: i’m like, why did u never teach me?!

 Lula: like–I’d rather see H and O sailing. with hot dudes. and Ben.

 Jane: I love sailing and once dated a guy a month longer cause he had a sailboat

 Aramisette: it’s a MOMENT

  hahaha

 Lula: yes, but sometimes these moments bore us.

 Jane: Ohh Mama should teach you!

 Lula: Especially Kaylee moments.

 Jane: MOMENTS

 Lula: SISTERS.

 Aramisette: purple moments are not boring

8:34 PM Jane: Awwww that TeamPurple moment is GOOOOOO

 Aramisette: WOAH

 Jane: WOW

 Aramisette: holy shit

 Jane: And it just got real

 Aramisette: he just called Tara out

  it’s what we’ve been saying

  no one is as good as BOB and JILL

 Lula: Cara is lame.com <http://lame.com>

 Jane: Ken has discovered Rope Juggling does not a burn get

8:35 PM Aramisette: WOW

  wow

  she was about to cry

 Jane: I know, it does make me feel bad

  Aramisette: hahahaha

  awww Jane

  i mean JODIE

8:36 PM Jane: hehe

 Lula: i have to peeeeeeee….be right back

 Jane: I am writing down my calories from dinner

  I have been eating like a pescatarian

  Is that how you spell it

8:37 PM No meat just fish, veggies, legumes

 Aramisette: i think it’s a different word?

 Jane: Cheese

  Yogurt

 Aramisette: or how long?

 Jane: For like a month maybe

  Nope I think I may have had chicken

  Not sure

 Aramisette: so when u started u were eating meat?

8:38 PM BACK

 Jane: Yeaah

  BACK

  duh

 Aramisette: is it mostly the working out that’s gettign u to lose?

 Jane: Ohh Ken is going to take over here, and it should be interesting!

 Aramisette: i’m scared

  i hate confrontation

 Jane: Me, no. The writing down of calories is what’s helping

8:39 PM Problem or whatever, let’s talk

 Aramisette: eeeep

 Jane: That’s how she starts a cove

  “Very professiona;”

  with an L

8:40 PM Of she is awful, this is very unprofessional.

  She interrupted him

 Aramisette: this is making me feel awkward

  she’s crying

 Jane: Me too. She is a BIT

  What the efff?

 Aramisette: oh my god oh my god oh my god

8:41 PM Jane: GO Jill you are amazing

  She has no sides

 Aramisette: Cara is being unprofessional

 i can’t listen!

 Lula: sorry, back

 had to kiss the girls goodnight

 8:42 PM Lula: dude, i missed DRAMZ already

 Aramisette: hahaha

  i am so bad

 Jane: YOU DID

 Aramisette:BIG OOPS

 ew i hate bear crawl

  so awkward

 Jane: Work it!

  Loving O’s stud earrings

8:43 PM Oh good She’s focussing on Ken. Good

  Cara has lots of purple on, but she ain’t Team Purple just sayin

 Lula: oh, but YOU AREN’T.

8:44 PM (as good as BOB & Jillian.)

  #I’mMean

 Jane: O’s a GREAT shopper duh

 Aramisette: she knows how to do everything

 Jane: SHe is a cool cat

8:45 PM Aramisette: i’ve never dieted before

  just altered my life eating

  but yeah

  it’s hard to know what to do when you haven’t had to do it before

8:46 PM Lula: lower calories, up activity

  it’s so simple, yet WHO WANTS TO DO THAT?

  i mean, duh

 Aramisette: i know

  it sucks

8:47 PM Jane: I KNOW

  Writing everything down helps me so much

  And I have been learning I LOVE FISH

  Like love love love it

 Aramisette: it’s pricey tho

 Jane: It is, but I rather have fish over anything else or just like hummus

  and veggies

  or cheese

8:48 PM SO purty

  CHALLENGE

 Lula: love Fish

 Jane: Do we like Sami’s hat?

 Lula: love, love love

  and love it grilled, which is key

  i do not like Sami’s hat

  it’s too much

  she’s trying too hard, I think

 Jane: The matchy matchy

8:49 PM Lula: yes.

 Jane: Five K!!

 Aramisette: it’s Ok

 Lula: change the shirt or change the color in the hat and i’d like it better

  maybe the shirt–

  change it.

 Jane: Hannah loves to run on beaches!

 Lula: OK, done with Sami fashion hour

 Jane: hehe

 Lula: Olivia’s skin looks amazing. I hate her.

 Jane: Running as a TEAM

8:50 PM yuggggg

  When they say lovely lunch it worries me as a contestant

  I would be like how lovely?

  Low calories lovely?

  OK here we go!

  Running

 Lula: healthy lovely

 Aramisette: of course!

8:51 PM it’s the view that’s lovely

 Jane: O is helping Moses along. Amazing

 Lula: LOVELY view. oh my stars, that is amazing

 Jane: Totally amazing

  GO GO GO

 Aramisette: eeeep

8:52 PM Jane: I have a strange question, do men need sports bras too?

  I mean I hurt when I am jiggly all over the place

  Those gurls are cheering on MO

  I love it

 Aramisette: well

  technically no

8:53 PM but they should have them for when they’re that big

 Jane: Running in water. WOW!

 8:54 PM awesome!

 Jane: I love it when Hannah talks to her “old self”

 Crazy times

 Go up the dune dune ya’ll

 Aramisette: oh noes

 Jane: GO MOOOOO!

8:55 PM Aramisette: hooow do they do it?

 Jane: This is scary

  Irene the NINJA

  I love that O is right with MO just talking it through with him

8:56 PM Lula: it’s sometimes hard to walk on sand–much less climb that shiz

 Jane: Did you see what BL Jen just wrote

  “Somebody get in Ken’s face! He needs help!”

 That is the BLBlog girl

  She is our Bloggy friend

  Her name is Jen

8:57 PM She writes some FUNNNNY

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We Will All Miss You Courtney, But Will Remember Your Positive Spirit Always….oh and Bye Brett, too

5 Apr

Dear Team Purple:

This is your new blended color. Enjoy it, #TeamBruise/Swirly thing

It feels odd always calling you Team Purple when you are not even really team purple anymore. But I guess you’ll always be Team Purple to us. Although, I’ve taken to calling you both #TeamBruise, as you are Team Black, Hannah and you Team Blue, O, and you were Purple, before, so get it? Hahaha, such a silly joke, so anyhoo on with the LIVE Blogging:

Jane:  Hello Gorgeous!

You there?

Lula:  I. AM. Here.

Jane:  Hi pretty!

Hey it’s pronounced

OH HI!

Reese lives in OH HI. I want to live in OH HEY!

Lula:  Reese schmeese.

I want to live in New Zealand.  Or Ireland.  But that’s neither here nor there.

Jane:  Haha….I know,…..it’s cool to see their rooms. Court is being PUSHED DO IT Court!

Lula:  Courtney looks good in the red. 

Jane:  O and Hannah are big supporters I know, but I bet Irene is too!

Lula:  This is a trend for her–she looks good in any color.

Irene needs a Pic, this is her, our Sayid-like Secret Ninja

 

Irene is the silent ninja-she is like the Sayid of the bunch.

Jane:  She is indeed.

I enjoy that they ar ehaving a carpet picnic

WHERE’s BOB?

Lula:  (I like how we always make Lost references.  You know Olivia likes it, too.)

YES!

Jane:  Oh it’s Sami

Lula:  I was just gonna say–they’re popping a squat with their food.  Cute.

Jane:  Do we like Sami’s Aztec vest coast thing? I can’t decide

This is an odd challenge. So what’s a mile?

Lula:  Um……..

I don’t know.  It’s got that heart thing going on.  It’s not my thing.

Jane:  WINDYYYYY

Lula:  Also not my thing–Austin’s unfortunate hair DON’T.  oh, dear. 

he needs a make-over.

Jane:  Cleaning is burning of calories!

Ewww O, that sounds gross

Lula:  Olivia ain’t no maid.

 Jane:  She ain’t!

Are they really counting their steps?

WOW! How boring.

Lots of Strateeejury going on here,…….but it’s boring ya’ll.

Lula:  STRA-TEE-JURY.

Jane: Pick and panic

Lula:  oh, Moses….

he’s looking good, though

Jane:  It’s all over….ok what is happenning, just look at this.

What is it?

Who won?????

BURNNNNN

Get your BURN.

I love Hannah and Olivia’s back and forth

It’s HANNAH BANANA!

Kick it

Olivia is gonna clean for the Moms of Amercia

And I cannot spell America

Alone time with Court and Brett. WHere’d you GO?

What the hell is Brett talking about/

Oh wait Lili described that before. Where ya at?

Lula:  I’m here. 

Jane:  I believe Lili more

than Brett

Lula:  I always believe LiLi more. 

Jane:  GO COURT GO COURT

Lula:  LiLi should be up in this show…on the Ranch…working on people’s fitness. 

Jane:  Oh how exciting it’s Cara <<< sarcasm

Lula:  I just yawned.  NO LIE.

Jane:  Oh Ken….just OH

Lula:  He’s a pastor.  Bless him.

Jane:  Yes, indeed. Oh Austin, you gotta BRING IT

That scares me a bit. Rulon looks Cray Cray

Lula:  Where is Rulon getting this contraband from?

He does.  He has that Silence of the Lambs look about him.

 Sent at 8:20 PM on Tuesday

Lula:  WHERE ARE YOU?

Jane:  I am here.

BOBOBOBOB!

That was exciting.

BOB said what I said. Cleaning burns alories

Wait, with a C

BOB is making them SOLDIERS

Bob is concerned…….. Uh OH

Could be a nail biter.

Lula:  SOLDIERS.

Olivia is already a soldier–in God’s Army.  Oh yes, I went there.  WORD.

Jane:  I love that, “Not ME”. says O

Or Dumblebore’s Army, cause I love HP

Can Jill help Rulon? Can anyome?

He scares me….he does

Lula:  he is not even owning up to his actions.

look at him laughing.  NOT TAKING OWNERSHIP OF WHAT HE HAS DONE.

wrong.  i am mad at him.

Jane:  I reward myself with makeup when I lose

Olivia would be proud

I got the Bare Essentuals makeup stuff and I look beautiful

Lula:  i reward myself with makeup, TOO.

 Jane:  I am bored by this now… cause he is annoying, but his eyes get cray cray

 Lula:  of course you look beautiful–BECAUSE YOU ARE.  i love you, Janet.

 Jane:  Love you babe! and Thank you.

I want a ride on a horse. Jill loves horses too. I love horeses

 Lula:  Rulon needs to get some makeup for his cray cray eyes.

 Jane:  I add “es” on the end of silly things

 Lula:  (was that mean?)

 Jane:  NO

Jill is doing a very good thing now!

That is a good idea to help Rulon control his desire for treats

She is being awesome

Lula:  She’s gonna beat his ass.  I love her deeply.

Jane:  JAY is killing BOB

I love it when BOB takes over! HE is crazy amazing.

What an awesome trainer. SOLDIER!

Lula:  Bob is our people.  Olivia has said it all along. 

Jane:  Thank gosh Jill has nixed Rulon juggling ropes

They are terrified of Jill! So funny. And BOB knows the whole time.

Lula:  I love that they’re keeing their win from her.  AWESOME.

Jane:  Hahahahahaha! Hannah, so funny

Lula:  Hannah is a comedian.

LOOK AT HER FACE>

Jane:  Jill should go with them.

Burst a blood vessel in the eyeball. YIKES!

Oh no! They don’t drink do they?

Sent at 8:35 PM on Tuesday

Jane:  Cleaning TIME!

It’s gross in there.

EWWW Sydney would eat that bug for them

Lula: that place wouldn’t be NASTY if Lula was up in there.  SICK.  I abhor a dirty kitchen,

 Jane:  I kinda like Jay going out with Hannah. It’s sweet….like a Papa and his daughetr. Rulon ruins this vision of mine.

Shoes, As big as my FACE!

Lula:  OMS, I love YOU

“Rulon ruins this vision of mine.”

 Jane:  I want shoes as big as my face!

 Lula:  those are some jimmy-jack-em-up shoes.

 Jane:  Hannah looks amazing!

Hannah Banana is just awesome…..I can’t wait to give her big hugs.

“JayBird” awwww

Where they going???

Will they see YOU KNOW WHO???

Lula:  To see HOT ALEX?  I’d die.

Or to see Brody Jenner

see–i brought him up before you could!

 Jane:  YESSS

Awww their faces are great. I love the smiles.

Lula:  SO FUN!

Jane:  Yick thogh Hollywood Blvd isn’t where you go for fun!

Suset ya’ll. Sunset.

Geisha house, is cute and was in Knocked UP. It’s an old classic though.

DON’T DRINK!

Lula:  Ewwwwwww–no seaweed salad.  Gross.

KING CRAB, Yo.  I’m all over that.

Jane:  They are doing wonderful. I am so proud of them.

Esp Jay, he sounds like a proud Papa

Lula:  look–water with lime.  my fave. 

Jane:  NOOOOOOOOOO

Lula:  THIS IS CREEPTASTIC.

Jane:  That rando wanted to toast them because he wanted to be ON TV!!

He wanted to get his 15 mins

Lula:  OH, what a smarmy marmy

Jane:  Don’t leave HANNAH there alone with rando

AHHHHHHHHH

 Sent at 8:45 PM on Tuesday

Jane:  Hannah is being so nice about this. But looks pissed.

Lula:  this guy isn’t even cute.  she needs to RUN.

RUN RUN RUN.

Jane:  Exactly…..so annoying. What a face?

She’s an older lady.

NO YOU’re NOT!

 Lula:  He is creeptastic. 

 Jane:  This is so emotional and awesome, now. Quick turn of events.

GO Hannah.

Lula:  He needs to get OFF camera.  I mean–yay for flattering her.

and she is now making me cry.

Jane:  I know, me too. She is ME!

Okay what is this Green Stuff?

Lula:  you are beautiful, too.  just not in heels that high.

Jane:  Why are we here.

Hahahah not in heels that high.

Okay, really? WE GET THIS

Courtney is on her own team. WE GET IT!

Lula:  Sigh…

MORE OLIVIA.

Jane:  Yes, I want that…..less same conve and more Olivia. Court needs a Ben.

NO WALLS! Court

Do it Court

Lula:  Dude….

Jane:  So why didn’t they show them cleaning?

D00d

Lula:  I had Wholly Guacamole for the first time a few weeks ago…

I texted Ben and said, “I want to marry this stuff and have its babies.”

Have you ever had it?  IT IS SO AMAZING.  Better than what I’ve had in restaurants!

Jane:  I can’t eat avocado stuff.

Lula:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Guac is my fave.

Jane:  It’s the one thing I am “allergic” too

My body can’t digest the high levels of protein in plant form.

It has to deal with some enzyme I don’t have….blah blah blah

I am LAME!

 Lula:  I am so sorry. 

This ruins me.  RUINS me, Janet.  I praise Jesus daily for the avocados. 

 Jane:  It’s OK. I also take Rat Poison known as Coumadin every day

I am playing my sad song now.

 Sent at 8:57 PM on Tuesday

 Jane:  What’s Bob bringing? He cares and loves.

I LOVE HIM

 Lula:  coumadin, as you know, thins your blood.  BE CAREFUL.

BOB IS OUR PEOPLE.

Look at O’s nails.

they’re Blue.  of course.  matchy-matchy.  that’s our girl.

 Jane:  Of course I know! I been taken it for 5 years!

Blue nails rule.

I love that BOB is teaching them right. Wholly Guac! You were just talking about this.

BEST COMMERCIAL EVER! from BOB

duh

Lula:  BOB IS MY HERO FOREVERMORE.

OMS, I just tweeted that I loved Wholly Guacamole.

We win.

OMS, WE SO WIN.

Jane:  I complained a lot about me during our Live Blogging.

Dear People of the World: I will stop!

You go O!

Umm really? What Figher Fighters do.

Irene just does it. I love it.

I am ready for the weigh in, you?

Lula:  You have not complained.  Listen, you are a vital, important part of my life and of Olivia’s life.

Therefore, it’s not complaining.

Besides, I always say–if it matters to you, it matters to God.  The end.

Also, I am so ready for the weigh-in.  NO dramz, no dramz.

Jane: :) That was me smiling.

 Sent at 9:05 PM on Tuesday

Jane:  Fighting fighting like fire fighting

I am going to ask for that work out at the gym

Laser beam focus! That’s right

Jill is amazing at getting Rulon to work

 Sent at 9:08 PM on Tuesday

Where. Are. You?

Jane: It’s reconnecting

Lula: Oh, ok.

Jane: I lost it on the other thing

LAST CHANCE WORK OUT

Here we go ya’ll

This is INTENSE

Court looks adorable her make up is excellence

Lula: HER HAIR IS FAB!

Jane: Totally fab. I love it.

Cara will be heart broken….awwww

That was MEAN

I love Sami’s outfit

Lula: I love Sami’s outfit, too.

Cara’s lipstick is RIDICULOUS.

I mean–it’s her own fault.

Jane: She may be rediculous

Lula: she has Olivia there, at her disposal. She should be taking advantage of that.

Jane: Oh my gosh! This preview for WFE was good!

Lula: UH, I hated it.

Jane: I am so glad they fixed it

Lula: Florence in a trailer for a 30′s movie? Doesn’t fit.

Jane: Oh darn, well we can’t agree on everything. ;)

Lula: Change the song and it works.

No, the trailer is good–but the music is wrong. and you KNOW I love Florence + the Machine.

Jane: I see your point, but I likes it!

Lula: Also–Reese is NOT Marlena, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m not even going to see WFE, so whatever.

Jane: I was so nervous. In the 160′s. Amazing.

I am so proud of her.

Lula: SO proud of her. She looks amazing.

Jane:  She is GLOWING. 80 pound total loss. That is amazing.

Oh, that was about Hannah by the way.

Jay’s turn. 6 pounds loss for him. Awesome.

Lula: Good for him!

He’s done well–coming back to the Ranch and getting a 2nd chance and all.

Jane: He has done great

Lula: Here comes cray cray…

I’m hoping he does well.

Jane: Oh no, it’s the Rougue’s turn

I am hoping for him too

But he just scares me. His attitude and dark stare.

Oh good. 7lbs

Lula:  Good for him.

Jane: Wow Black team is crazy awesome!

Ohh no, I am worried for Courtney

Olivia’s turn.

O’s hair is adorable in a bun.

WOW the musak is scaring me

Lula: She looks gorgeous.

Jane: Commercial on O AGAIN!

Lula: COMMERCIAL, as always.

Sent at 9:22 PM on Tuesday

Jane: Oh no….Now I am nervous.

It was a hard week for her….but she stays positive.

Lula: I am not nervous…because…well…

I love her.

Her positive attitude is DOING IT for me.

Jane:  Good Point.

She is very positive. I love positivity,

GO MOSES! MOSES MOSES

Lula: Look how amazing Moses looks–

Jane: Wow, he is half himself almost literally

Lula: DANG, SON! He is killing it.

Good job, Moses. Be all Biblical with that name.

Jane: 7 pounds for MO! Amazing

Lula: Moses is positive, too. I appreciate that.

Jane: I also like Sami’s hair this week. I want to know how to do that.

Go Irene Irene!

Lula: DANG, GINA. Look at Irene–what a transformation!

She is a hot piece.

Bob is pleased.

Jane:  She is sooo beautiful! They DID IT! and Irene is FUNNNY

I love it

Lula: I enjoy a pleased BOB.

Jane: BOB is pleased to pieces

Blue team is SAFE!! Yeahhhh Olivia. Now we plan for Hannah.

Positive thoughts for the Hannah Banana.

Lula: She’s safe.

I think Austin will do well…

Jane: I think she is too, but you know….it’s always a nail biter

Lula: I like Courtney’s red ring.

Jane:  I like it too. Their fashion accesories are adorable

Jane: 

Ken’s turn. 4 pounds is good for an injury week

Lula: Well, 4 is good considering he had an injury

Jane: That is real good.

Lula: JINX!

Jane: OHHH OHhh OHH Cara. The way she says “all”

Lula: I like Sami Brady’s hair. It looks #goo

Cara makes me rage–I mean…

Why IS she? Why?

Jane: I want to know how to do that hair. I said this before, duh hehehe

Kaylee, why is she? Just Why?

Kaylee lost a pound. And she “did” all she could. And Wanted to go home with all her might.

65 pounds in total for Kaylee’s total loss

Austin’s turn.

Lula: Kaylee shoulda gone home last week. Or the week before. That’s mean of me, but that it is what it is.

Austin is a good lookin’ dude. He just needs that makeover something fierce.

Jane: But Kaylee was on the Red Team and we are supposed to not like them

Lula: DUDE. Lame.

Jane: Austin lost only 2 pounds. It musta been teh fire fighter trainin

Lula: And of course they have Courtney commenting on Austin. L-O-V-E.

Jane: Adorable.

Can I tell you that I think CAra looks like a ….no

Jane:  Ok, it’s Court’s time. SOOOOO NERVOUS

I can’t even spell nervous.

Lula: She looks like Rosie Perez.

Jane: Rosie Perez would be an imporvement

Lula: You called it weeks ago. Rosie Perez, Jr.

Jane: except I can’t spell

Lula: “an improvement.” AWESOME.

Jane: Poor Courtney, bouncing around being nervous.

Lula: FREAKIN’ COMMERCIALS.

Jane: UGGHH Commercials are LAME unless BOB is in them, as we;ve said.

Lula: Right. BOB commercials are winners.

Sent at 9:43 PM on Tuesday

Jane: GOODNESS. TELL US

ON PINS AND NEEDLES

in ALL CAPS

Lula: ALL CAPS. DUDE>

SHIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Jane: EFFFFF

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(These are intelligent comments)

Lula: This is unbelievable.

Dramz. No.

Jane:  Tears. They are making me teary

Lula: Look at Bob & Jillian–they are crying, too.

Jane: Oh Courtney you are amazing.

Lula: THEY ARE OUR PEOPLE.

OLIVIA IS CRYING. Dangit…I am crying.

Jane: Awful just awful

I want to tell Brett to shut it. Let Courtney have her positivity.

Lula: I don’t like Brett’s thumb ring.

He is ruining this moment for me.

GO ‘HEAD, BOB.

If he cries, I will die, Janet.

Jane:  OHh BOB

You be selfish!

Lula: I am bawling.

And Olivia is bawling.

Jane: OHH this is sad

Lula: SHE IS WANTING TO SACRIFICE–that is our friend, right there.

I cannot deal. No, I cannot deal.

Jane: It’s awful….I am so teary and she is so positive.

I LOVE YOU COURT!

Lula:  Sami Brady is about to cry, too.

Jane: Sami is sad and couldn’t even say that “Courtney, I am sorry you are not the Biggest Loser.”

OHH teary teary

I don’t know what to write.

Lula: I’m just snotting.

Jane: Bob’s face just made me laugh.

No Kayles, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE

And that is mean, but how I feel.

You shouldn’t have wanted to go home so bad.

Lula: AGREED. Her ass shoulda gone home 2 weeks ago.

I mean-that is so mean of me. BUT FOR REAL.

Jane: Not cause she is tiny, but cause she wanted to give up.

Lula: RIGHT. I mean, yay for her weight loss…

but she was all, “I wanna go home.”

WELL–GO HOME.

Jane:  Oh Courtney! You are so inspiring.

I LOVE her todeath!

Lula: I love her. She’s our people, too.

And again, they’re playing contemporary Christian music up on this show. Amazing.

Jane: They are? Amazing. I love it and for Court!

I can’t wait to see her.

I want to see her lost more. Not 24 hours later. But glad to see her Mama

Marci still looks great.

Lula: Marci is a HOT PIECE.

Dayum.

Jane: She does look amazing. Go Court’s Papa

Awww her cousins are great.

OH MY GOSH!

She looks great

I love seeing the now look at me!

Courtney is trying to change Dairy Queen. That is awesome!

Lula: CHANGE THAT SHIZ, COURTNEY.

(I scream when I get ‘cited. Clearly.)

Her dad is crying. I AM CRYING. Dang.

Jane: Courtney is amazing.

NEW ZEALAND next week! Whoot.

Well, that’s a wrap again.

Can’t wait for next week.

Lula: I want to go to NZ. So glad Olivia got to

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!

Jane: Well Goonight Lula

Love ya.

Lula: I LOVE YOU, JANE TRIGS.

xoxoxoxoxoxox,

Jane and Lula

HOP Movie Tie-In and Massages, Really?

29 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

Well, it’s obvious there is a theme going now….And now, more LIVE BLOGGING with Jane and Lula:

Lula is offline.

Jane:  Here we are!

Alrighty speak…let me here it

Is it bad that I am already bored?

We are all still one

I love Olivia’s talk about Sami

Lula: PURPLE, YO

Jane:  YEAH!! Olivia on my bday you found out that you were gonna be on the show, I remember.

Lula:  I was in Vegas!!!!

And she called and said, “I’M GOING TO THE BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!”

Jane:  My Bday

Lula:  It was your bday! ‘Member–I couldn’t come party cause of Vegas & O was headed to the Ranch. SADNESS.

I’m crying.

Jane:  These vids are awesome!

STOP CRYING not already

SHANANIGANS!

Yeeeahhh I <3 shananigans

Jane:  How crazy that they are bringing in these people. CRAZY TIMES and the musak

Crazy

Lula:  The musak is DUMB.

Jane:  That one boy, Vance is a cutie

Lula:  And look how cute Olivia is.

OF COURSE HER NAME IS LEIGH ANNE.

She probably spells it wrong.

Jane: Hehehe But O is always cute

Awwwww wrong LA is a mama and so sweet

Lula:  Sami Brady is saying MY name.

Jane: You lucky duck. I want to be said on the BL

Maybe I can meet her one day and she’ll say my name.

I dig Vance’s deep voice

I wonder if they got trainers too.

Lula:  Let’s make it our life goal to get Sami Brady to say AUNT JANICE!

Jane:  Hey I lost almost 30lbs in 3 months

27lbs now

Court is such a flirt

I love it! Confidence

Lula:  You rock, Jane:. I’m so proud of you.

Jane: “Journeys”

Thanks babe!

Wowzer 45lbs is amazing

So this is the part where Sami makes Kaylee feel guilty

Lula:  We are CRACKING UP at you, Jane:–me and Heather.

And I am proud of Vance & Leann. They are losing weight at a “real life pace.”

Jane:  Yes, Real Life pace is hard like crazy

4 teams, ya’ll

Sami loves metaphor based challenges

Also they love challenges that cause everyone to have to say “Balls” the whole time. Yug

Week Off campus. Pooopers

How many challenges are we having this week?

Don’t leave the ranch O!

Olivia is amazing at this, Go girl

(I just typed a lot of nonsense – Jane)

Lula:  Balls.

Jane: Exactly

But notice Sami calls them “Points”

Lula:  I am DYINg at how small Courtney and Olivia and Hannah are.

Jane: OK, now I am bored, although it is nice seeing the skinny minis

JINX

10 balls…..

GO O!!! GO BLUE

Lula:  BALLS.

Blue Balls.

Jane:  Hahaha

Lula:  (Heheheh.)

(this is where we turned 10 years-old)

Jane:  YAYYY!! Not last.

Go Green

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm this is crapola. Where will Brett take them?

Awww they are going to do EASTER! I love EASTER

Back from commercial

Massage?

The Menu is crazy

AHHHH STRA TEE JURY

Lula:  THIS IS DUMB.

A massage? NO.

NO NO NO.

Jane:  Hahaha

Lula:  I mean, we all want a massage, but they are not out there for some pampering.

Jane:  This is silly, but I want to see how it plays out

Gym Memberships!

WHAAAA?? An hour to call people?

Luxery crap is silly.

They are excluding Brett cause who needs Rope Juggling?

Lula:  I just tweeted that. HELL NO. Heather and I are bothered.

Jane:  Rope Juggling can be done easily done without a trainer, duhhh

That was a silly sentence. GET YOUR CONFIDENCE COURT

Courtney should call Ben for confidence!

Lula:  They’re showing this FOR A REASON, Jane:. The shiz is gonna hit the fan. You wait.

Jane:  Yes, seriously

Lula:  Um….THEY BROUGHT THIS ON THEMSELVES.

Jane: Totally on themselves..even Brett says this is bad. Where is Jill? She would kick their ASS

Ohh I call Jillian Jill now, in honor of my mother

Court call BEN!

BEN breaks walls

  Continue reading

The One Where We See Hannah Pray on TV, We Lose Justin and He Calls Us Out

22 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

We really enjoyed our last LIVE Blogging experience. We thought you did too! In fact, expect to see more LIVE Blogging in the future. Please, love us through it. AND GO…………

Lula is online.

Jane: myello

Sent at 7:58 PM on Tuesday

Lula: PURPLE, YO

i am here

Jane: And Olivia starts us out with some “pot stirring”

What on earth?

Lula: she should stir the pot–she’s the CHEF

Olivia now has on a Lab Coat and is Blond. Don't ask.

Jane:  4 Teams???

Oh duh! That is right. I didn’t like the other way that could have gone re: stiring the pot. Thanks for your guidance always Lula

Ohh Hannah Banana…..Love you babe

Lula:  I am nervous.

Jane:  This must be so hard for them….I mean how do you pick away from your friends

Lula:  wait–are we live blogging here–I just wanna be clear

Jane:  duhhhh 

Nervous like whoah…PS is that how you spell whoah?

Lula: whoa

Jane:  Thanks! Listen I WILL BE WITH BOB for whatever!

I mean whatever

Lula:  “Bob is Tongan.” No, BOB IS HOT.

Jane:  What are they calling him Tongen? I need to look that one up and I was an Anthropology minor in College. Oh Irene, Lucky Duck

Lula:  Tongan. Something about Hawaiians or something. We should Google that before we embarrass ourselves.

Jane:  OLIVIA!!!

Lula:  And JILLIAN is gonna beat the SHIT out of Rulon. Like we always knew she would.

Jane:  Don’t say Shizz

Lula:  Of course Olivia is with HER PEOPLE, aka Bob.

Sorry. Shiz.

Jane:  Olivia and Hannah make me teary…….what is new

Lula:  ‘Member that time Olivia wrote me from the Ranch and was all, “Bob is our people?” He is so our people.

Jane:  Thank goodness she gets Jillian! “I will be coming to you shortly”

Lula:  And then Hannah prays on TV and we love her forever. She is COMING HOME, Lordy.

Jane:  Oh Courtney. I love you. I wish you had Jill with Hannah

Dramatic musak

Lula:  This musak is LAME.com <http://LAME.com>

Jane:  YES

Lula:  COOOOOL. Jillian is down.

Jane:  Hannah is with Rulon and I don’t know how I feel. I like that she is with Jill–ian but, not sure about the Rulon bizzness.

Lula:  is Jen on Bret’s team? she is, right?

Jane:  YES. It’s gonna get real

I love that tweet that Hannah just responded to us. Awesome. YEAHHH Daddy Jay or Arthur

Lula:  I feel that Roulon is not Hannah’s people. I wrote back to Hannah just now. Win.

Jane:  I may or may not agree with that….but we shall see. Oh I love Bob waying in.

I mean opinion wise.  Hannah is the biggest angel. DO that right thing. Bless it!

Lula:  DUH. It’s Jay.

also–how hard are we gonna cry when Jillian peaces out at the end of this season?

HARD, that’s how.

Jane:  WORD Jillian gave it away on FB. Silly Jillian

Lula:  But we love her. Even though she showed Jay on FB. With the lobster. OR crab. whatever that thing was.

Jane:  Oh I love her. I hope I get to see Jillian in real life one day…ahem

CRUNCH!  Where is Brody Jenner?  (NOTE: I have a Brody Jenner problem, but I am #TEAMBROVIL)

Look at that girl GO!!

Lula:  BWAHAHAHA. he is with Avril Lavigne.

Jane:  He is! I am team #Brovil

Poor Moses, I feel for him. He is struggling but he is going to get a work out

The cheering is GREAT!

Lula:  They are calling for him like that red sea is gonna part.

Jane:  They ARE! And I would be crying if I was in that class right now…And I don’t cry

Also crying because we could see Olivia.

Lula:  You will cry. At the end of all this, you will SOB YOUR HEAD OFF.

Even the Crunch Hand is Team Purple

Jane:  I wish I could go to CRUNCH this week. Also, just to see BOB. That spinning looks fab fun, but hard

Lula:  I would spin my life away just to see him. yeah, I said it.

Jane:  Look at how HOT Hannah is!!

Lula:  Look, Jillian’s beach house.

Jane:  BEACH house is NICE

Lula: SCARLETT O’HANNAH!

Jane: OK so Beks is calling me. STOP CALLING ME BEKS!

The Purple Team Show is on

Lula:  She is crazy. Hannah is all ARE YOU ON CRACK?

I heart her.

Jane:  I know CRACK. CRACK KILLS. They still have those ugly water bottles.

Lula:  FUGLY water bottles.

Jane:  Gosh I hope they have sunscreen on

Lula:  At this point, even black would rock.

Jane:  Pale gurls worry

Lula:  And bless you–SUNSCREEN. Mama Jane.

Jane:  LORD Have mercy!  I told you CRACK KILLS. This is making me feel uncomfortable

Lula:  CRACK KILLS.

Jane:  He is throwing and pulling those girls around

Lula:  and he’s all, “Jillian is riding me.” Lawsy, what a TWSS.

Jane:  How awesome it is to run on MALIBU! NOW maybe she will actually see Brody Jenner!!

Hannah, Did you see this man while running in Malibu?

Again, NOTE – I may be obsessed with Brody Jenner, in a jokesy kind of way….but why not?

I love Jillian’s glasses

Lula:  I’m obsessed with Jason Statham. And Alexander Skarsgard. WHY NOT?

Jane:  I am kind of ignoring his heart to heart

Lula:  ‘Member that time Olivia signed her email “Olivia Skarsgard Northman” and we died and loved her longtime?

Jane:  It’s about Worthiness….good message. OH my gosh, I forgot about that OSN sign off

Lula:  I am also ignoring it and walking down memory lane. Because Olivia + HotAlex > than Roulon’s pep talk.

Jane:  You know indeed. Did they lose Hannah? 

Lula:  Hannah was all, “Peace out–gotta get my run on while y’all are being all Hallmark Gold Crown Store.”

Jane:  Totally, she was like, I am gonna find me a hot malibu surfer guy. See ya’ll!

I wish the camera went with Hannah…..No BOB, Jill, Hannah, or Olivia

What do we do now?

Lula:  I’m gonna drink some wine. To be honest.

Jane:  I love that Courtney is happy to be outside

Lula:  it’s antioxidants and good for your cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.

(NOTE – for some reason I ignore that Lula is getting her drink on)

Jane:  Are they meditating? This is ummmmmmmmmmmmm interesting

Lula:  IT IS GOD’s NATURE, LAME-O.

Sigh. Go hug a tree, Brett. #I’mMean

Jane:  She is always so positive. Bless Courtney and she lost her mom last week!

Jen is so beautiful

Lula:  Jen is looking AWESOME. All the girls this season are really beautiful.

And then there's Justin

Jane:  And then there’s Justin

Lula:  And I’m not gonna say, “They have pretty faces.” NO THEY ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, ALL OVER.

OMS, “And then there’s Justin.” YEEEEEEE-HAW. Justin. Bless him.

Jane:  They are, I agree. Esp their attitudes.

Lula: (I love you, Janet.) YOU MADE HIM CRY! You done made Justin cry, Jane Trigs.

Jane:  I am special! I wonder how much his facial hair ways…weighs

Lula:  MEAN. But…good point. Also, Brett has chin pubes. He needs to stop with that.

Jane:  More realistic then mean. :)

Lula:  NO. NO group hug.

Jane:  Are we advertising now? No Jillian

Lula:  Oh, dear. Commercial. ROULON is talking about being warm inside. I CANNOT SPEAK OF THIS.

Jane:  Well at least she seemed natural. I ignored it.

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So, We All Zone Out During the Challenges & We Say Good-bye to the Mama

15 Mar

Dear Team Purple, Black, Blue…

Hello my lovely team purple members and avid blog followers (editor’s note – hahahaha) . This is @brookelockart filling in this week, giving Jane a break from blogging. Hannah, you don’t know me, but I’m one of those “book club” friends of Olivia’s. I’m also on the mission to make you an east coast girl, so prepare yourself! 

We heart "book club"!

Sorry for the late post, but it’s been one of those weeks, then it was one of those weekends when you get totally sucked into a book all the sudden it’s Tuesday and you haven’t posted (but you’ve read a series of 5 books…), I digress.

Similar to Lula and Janet, this is my first full season of watching the biggest loser. I’ve watched episodes here or there but do people always change colors this often?  So this week you all became one big team, I’m all for team unity, but now I can’t change the channel when the red team came on (kill me, I like Glee). 

As a team, you are supposed to lose more total weight than both teams did the week prior. If you do, no one goes home. Yes! I’m pumped. I have faith! Ahh, but the body is tricky and I swear all you girls are on the rag at the same time. Water weight bloat sucks!

This week’s episode shows before and after pictures for each of the contestants at their current weight loss. I’m just amazed at some of their progress. You can really see it in Rulon’s face. Olivia, you are of course looking fabulous and Hannah, soooo skinny.

There’s a challenge, I zone out. Teams appear to be struggling. Wait, the could lose it. OH! They win the challenge by mere seconds. Goooo Blue team! This will give the team some advantage at the weigh in.

When all is said and done, as a group they are unable to pull it off.  Someone must go home and it’s between Marci and Kaylee.  Kaylee gained 2 pounds (see previous on the rag comment) and Marci stays the same. Marci pleads for everyone to send her home, save Kaylee. Well, this just does it. I cry, I get emotional; I want a mom like Marci. Courtney is a very lucky girl. Marci is voted off and is not the biggest loser.

Yes, that is an OLE cake. DON't EAT IT

Well girls, you are safe for another week. I wonder if you’ll all stay as one team or change back. Maybe they’ll switch it up completely. Regardless, you have our support.

Ole!
Brooke

NBC Wants Us to Not Like the Red Team, We Can’t Help It

9 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

In an effort to actually blog on time, our dearest Lula and I decided to LIVE Blog via GChat. We laughed together, we cried together, we prayed together, we screamed together, we made up stories together while bored (Red Team) and we compared ya’ll to LOST, as we should. Boy was this one a total nail biter. So very glad we made it through together. So at last, I bring you Random LIVE Blogging with Jane and Lula:

Jane:  And to begin

Hannah is amazing, but she needs to not argue with Jillian. Duh

Lula:  YES.

Jane:  Hannah you are capable!

4 reasons you do it

1) Tall and thin enough

2) Knowledge….what else?  I missed it…

Lula:  BECAUSE SHE’S SCARLETT O’HANNAH

I’m tweeting that.

 Jane:  that is it. And you know what Jill is right.  mean she does look aazing

that was amazing

Oh crap she’s making me want to get teary

I could watch the Hannah Banana show all seasn*  (*editor note – Jane is notorious for bad grammer and spelling. If it wasn’t in here, Olivia wouldn’t believe it was Jane)

 Lula:  She gon’ make me cry

 Jane:  How excited is it that Marci is now the captain? They needed a leader on that carebear team

I also think that I need to keep all bad spellings and grammer. That way Olivia will know it’s really me (*SEE)

Jane:  How much do I lovethat my Mama calls Jillian, Jill. Bless her heart. She called me as I was leaving work and she kept talking about “Jill”. Hhaha

OLIVIA!

Lula:  Look at her apron!

Jane:  Betty Crocker O

Lula:  BETTY CROCKER.

Jane:  They called her OB

Love it!

 Lula:  MAMA OLIVIA and her SIX GIRLS!  Bless it.

Jane:  Bless it. Hummus…I wants it

Spin Bike YES

Lula:  “WHAT WOULD A MOM DO?”  And now Obird is gonna make me cry.  Because we know.  WE KNOW.

I am screaming.  Please love me through it.

Jane:  She will be the greatst Mama, WE KNOW

Lula:  WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

See!  We KNOW!

WE KNOW THIS, JANET.  Oh, dear God.  Let’s just cry now.

(apparant crying ensues)

Jane:  Is it wrong that I want to yawn now?

Lula:  NO.  That they kept Kaylee (however you spell it) when she lost only 1 pound and sent Arthur home is RUDE.

(Marta just tweeted something awesome–we need to quote her.)* (* Never did find out what that was. LIVE blogging is fast)

Jane:  RUDE

I just told off Chris Weitz on Twitter. He tweets now Olivia and he kind of loses control. Doesn’t he know the Team Purple show is on?

I am a little bored still….”Family”

 Lula:  THE FAMILY STUFF IS LAME.COM <http://LAME.COM&gt;

 Jane:  Ewww Mud!

 Lula:  Also, Justin is NOT INSPIRING.

Jane:  NOT

I just said, “NOT” like that was a thoughtful comment

Ken is cooking?Hmmm

I forgot to eat lunch today, it sucks

I am hungry now.

I wonder if they use http://www.myfitnesspal.com like I do

Lula:  We had a BL supper–from the BL cookbook.

it was not so good, but hey–low calorie, low fat, LOW TASTE.  dangit.

Jane:  Was it Olivia nd not Ken based? Cause Olivia is Queen Cook

Not all the time…..Low clorie can be tasty! Really. But sometimes you get a bad one.

BURN

Gets my BURN

FREE ADVERTISING!! Now what do I get?

I type a bunch

Lula:  it was steamed brown rice (so boring) and steamed cut corn (no butter–lame) and chicken breast breaded with panko.  it was ok.  but not so tasty

Jane:  Why can’t they say when they went home? I mean some people know (and I am keepig this comment in)

It was during a hard time where people eat a lot people. I think i should be mentioned. But not by me

*it should be mentioned

Lula:  think what should be mentioned?

wait–confused.

Jane:  When the time at home was

During which period

CHALLENGE time

What does Sami have on?

Oh Sami…no

The hat!

Lula:  OH, SAMI. 

HALE NO.

That hat is ridiculous.  She knows better.  Marlena taught her better.

Jane:  What the heck are they gonna do with $6000 on campus

I don’t get the cash prize stuff while they are there

OK people Strateejury

Lula:  STRA TEE JURY.

Be right back–gotta kiss my girls.

Jane:  GO!

That’s right JEN. Red is NO victory

Lula:  back

Jane:  This is gross, and taking a while

Lula:  that is some GOO

and not GOO like our GOO

but goo like gross goo

Jane:  Gross GOO

I hope someone falls

DON’t Pannick

What on earth am I supposed to write

Lula:  “3 Foot Log”  TWSS

Jane:  OLIVIA “That Guy” YES!

That’s what we all think

Lula:  YES. i’ll tweet that. (The TWSS went completly over my head -Jane)

Jane:  Olivia sometimes it is difficult not to write things that are derogatory (sp?) to the Red Team

Love me through it…I just wanna cheer for you

BLACK WINS!

Lula:  WINNER WINNER LOW-FAT CHICKEN DINNER!

Jane:  New make-up with $6K

An executive chef?

Lula:  Think of all the MAC O and Hannah can buy with that money.

More FREE advertising, ahem

 Jane:  On what?

Ohh you said MAC, WAIT! That’s make-up I know that

Lula:  Yes–MAC.  It’s Olivia’s make-up of choice.  And Norah’s, too.

Jane:  <<— Make-up dumb

Oh wow! The Red Team WOW

I am glad I on’t have to love them

Poor Ken talking about snacks. Hey it’s Product Placment time!

Lula:  THESE COMMERCIALS ARE LAME

And the red team is…ah, I’ll be nice.

Jane:  So I think some of my vowels on my keyboard are sticking. It’s not just that I am a bad typer

Lula:  And be quiet.

Jane:  Although I can’t soell

Lula:  soell

ha!

Jane:  UGGHH

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