Dear Team Purple:
In case you can’t tell by the massive picture o beauty, ya’ll are still in NZ, Middle Earth, land of the Kiwi, and home of the Orcs. While I watch and sift through all these photos of where I wish I was right now, I let some ladies you know…..well, one of you knows well, take over and bring some fresh perspective and thoughts of your last epidsode of the Biggest Loser. The ladies of course, are from that one site about that one book and that one guy, you know the one.
I am entirely
too exhausted from the slave driver’s at work envious of your BL “vacay” in beauty land to manage blogging another night. And really, who doesn’t love reading what these two ladies bring? We all know UC & MOON really know how to “Break it Down”. So, on with it:
Hannah jumps off a cliff
UC: First of all: full confession but I missed last week’s episode. So this is odd…. to me.. where in California do they throw you over a cliff? On a plastic chair> Is this a red-neck activity up there in northern Cali? Aren’t they supposed to be all refined & crap?
Moon: This is the new ride at Universal Studios: California’s Redneck Adventures. After they got rid of the Back to the Future ride (tragedy!!) it all went downhill. Now they give you a PBR and a trucker hat with every admission. They also moved Universal Studios to the east side of Los Angeles where I live with all the hipsters who enjoy the irony of this. Sad times.
UC: okay- wait.. newsflash UC. You know where they are…. NEW ZEALAND! I saw the pics on Olivia’s fb page
UC: Hannah looks AMAZING. I want to do that! I mean. Not at all. But kinda.
Moon: If by “do that” you mean wear spandex on national television than count me the HALE out. Snaps to the girls for rocking the ‘dex in front of God and everyone.
UC: More confession time: I usually find myself eating the worst possible meal while watching Biggest Loser. And then feeling really guilty because while Olivia only gets to eat like 1,000 calories a day, I’m chowing down on a 1,000 calorie burrito or plate of nachos.
Tonight I’m okay though- I made a homemade pizza with broccoli. It just has a little bit of cheese. So It’s all good. Until I eat half of it because Mr. choice isn’t home to stop me
Moon: THANK GOD!!! I thought I was the only one who made homemade mac n cheese or pasta and butter or nachos and settled in to watch Olivia and the gang push a truck around the ranch while Jillian RIDES one of the contestants like a show pony.
UC: [side note Nice green screen Bob. Nice everything Bob. All the time. Stupid lucky man (or men) in his life]
(Editor’s Note: This is where I insert gratuitous pics of #HotBOB, but the pics won’t stay put here. UGHHH -J)
Rulon & Olivia training with Bob:
UC: WHOA… other stuff i missed… Rulon wanted O to go home last week?? ugh UGH… blacklisted! that means nothing cuz he was never on any sort of list. but I will NEVER get teary-eyed when I hear his sad life stories ever again! NO WAY Rulon!
Moon: WHATEVER RULON!!!! I will never salute you or your Olympic Medal again or think you’re a sweet guy with wrestler/califluor ears. You are officially on notice for trying to get the (real) O off the show. JERK!
The one where they all have to row
UC: Seriously? Allison (Ali?) is in a WINTER PARKA and they have to get IN that water? What is this activity called again? Water boarding? Is this what the CIA does to terrorists? ANd Olivia has to do it?
Moon: I’m pretty sure Biggest Loser is just a government cover up for a CIA training program they’re trying to mask as a “game show” so that we all get comfortable with the contestants and would NEVER think they’re actually special ops who kick ass on the side. Allison Sweeny is the Agent M of the group and Bob is the Bosley.
UC: [SIDE NOTE: All Aboard with Bob I jumped onto NBC’s biggest loser page to read why Courtney isn’t there (SAD! Apparently I’ve missed more than 1 episode. Oops) and what do I see!? ALL ABOARD WITH BOB & this amazing image:
Moon: No, but Jillian will be there to ride you around the Lido deck. Also do you wonder if they have the midnight chocolate buffet or the all-you-can eat Mexican Fiesta night like most cruises or is it granola and egg whites while Bob teaches the proper way to comb your hair over into the perfect Don Draper bang swoop?
Okay back to the race:
UC: This race is so exciting I even put down my third piece of Pizza YAY!!!!! OLIVIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO one can send our girl home this week!!! Plus she gets a helicopter tour no one gives a crap about!
Moon: What they really want is a tour of middle earth! HELLO! Who doesn’t want to visit where the shot Lord of the Rings and imagine dancing with the Hobbits in the shire and defeating an army of Orcs (read: Rulons) for the ONE RING (aka smaller waist size).
UC: Okay. That’s pretty. Maybe it is kinda a big deal. Plus there’s the bonding time for sisters. Oh and there go the waterworks again. Damn you biggest loser. Also danngggg diamonds in Obird’s ears. Are they from Bob? I hope.
Moon: Wait, is that an army of Rulons I see down there?! KILL THEM! Or throw out a few thousand bags of chips that will handle him. ALLEGEDLY (according to the not so secret hidden camera footage).
The Weigh In
UC: I’m SOO glad O has immunity. I couldn’t handle the pressure this week. I’m a wreck enough for Hannah. I can’t handle both of them. (PS sidenote, I gasp at ALL the high & low numbers they flash up there thinking the scale will stop that high or that low. I sound like a major loser. Okay, carry on)
NINETY THREE POUNDS LOST. Dang girl. DANG!!!!!
Moon: I get really annoyed at the weigh in’s because it’s not like THAT’S an actual scale. They didn’t tote the world’s largest trucker weigh station scale out to the side of a mountain in New Zealand. They weigh them off camera. UGH. But I do love the theatrics! OMG 135!? Did someone actually lose 50 pounds in one week? Oh wait, it’s 203… no it’s 178… DANG IT JUST TELL ME!!
UC: I’m just gonna say it. And I’m gonna mean it. I HOPE RULON GOES HOME.
Moon: You mean the leader of the Orcs?
UC: UGHHHH I Spoke too soon. He lost 10 pound? GRRR
Moon: Dang it the chip drop sabotage from the helicopter didn’t work?! Foiled again!
UC: I will not speak until Hannah weighs in.
UC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… This is not her week. This is not her week. Oh there you go Olivia.. Being encouraging, making me cry. I’m officially scared for anyone who votes for Hannah to go home. Olivia might stab them in their sleep with her eyeliner pencil!!!!
Moon: If she uses the MAC pencil you KNOW she means business. That ish ain’t cheap yall! I think I see it in her hand behind her back…
UC: TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!!! If I promise to shop at Kohls & eat Wholly Guacamole, do you think Obird can get them to knock off the commercials? I’ll even take more product placement because it’s just funny watching the girls pretend they love subway sandwiches as much as they make it seem like they do.
Moon: What about the Biggest Losers prepackaged meal plan and Bob’s Quaker Oatmeal (“Quaker Oatmeal is how I start my day!” Sure Bob!) and the many appearances by host of the brand new season of NBC/Universal/Bravo’s Top Chef CURTIS STONE!? Ok, ok Curtis can stay. Cause he’s hot. I’d leg wrestle Hannah for him.
UC: I can’t see the keyboard so I can’t type anything right now. BRB while I go rob a tissue store. Hannah can’t go home. Can’t. CAN’T!!!!!!
Moon: Dude her and whats his name are killing me. His whole story and the secret issues and all that. WAHHH!
UC: Olivia should have been a counselor. I mean, she’s a pretty darn good singer too, but seriously- she’s such a soothing speaker & encourager.
UC: Phew. Hannah is safe. Although I feel so sad. THis show sucks. I watch TV to be entertained. Not to cry & be uplifted. Dammit BIggest Loser. Dammit.
Moon: Next week on “We’re trying our hardest to make you cry…” Someone is reunited with their biological parents, a long lost brother is found, the cure for cancer is discovered and a children’s choir sings song of peace. CAN’T WAIT!!
So, yes, the ladies have the same problem that Lula and I have every week. Too many tears to type, not enough patience to deal with Rulon, and an affinity for #HotBOB. It’s nice to know that we’re all “NORMAL”.
Loves and Hugs,
Jane, Lula, UC and MOON
PS Sometimes I steal blog concepts from these girls who write letters….they love me through it.