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Sometimes Normal People Break Stuff Down, Cause it’s FUNNY

19 Apr

Still there ya'll. Gosh I am so jelly of you purple ladies.

Dear Team Purple:

In case you can’t tell by the massive picture o beauty, ya’ll are still in NZ, Middle Earth, land of the Kiwi, and home of the Orcs. While I watch and sift through all these photos of where I wish I was right now, I let some ladies you know…..well, one of you knows well, take over and bring some fresh perspective and thoughts of your last epidsode of the Biggest Loser. The ladies of course, are from that one site about that one book and that one guy, you know the one.

I am entirely too exhausted from the slave driver’s at work envious of your BL “vacay” in beauty land to manage blogging another night. And really, who doesn’t love reading what these two ladies bring? We all know UC & MOON really know how to “Break it Down”. So, on with it:

Hannah jumps off a cliff

UC: First of all: full confession but I missed last week’s episode. So this is odd…. to me.. where in California do they throw you over a cliff? On a plastic chair> Is this a red-neck activity up there in northern Cali? Aren’t they supposed to be all refined & crap?

Moon: This is the new ride at Universal Studios: California’s Redneck Adventures. After they got rid of the Back to the Future ride (tragedy!!) it all went downhill. Now they give you a PBR and a trucker hat with every admission. They also moved Universal Studios to the east side of Los Angeles where I live with all the hipsters who enjoy the irony of this. Sad times.

UC: okay- wait.. newsflash UC. You know where they are…. NEW ZEALAND! I saw the pics on Olivia’s fb page

UC: Hannah looks AMAZING. I want to do that! I mean. Not at all. But kinda.

Moon: If by “do that” you mean wear spandex on national television than count me the HALE out. Snaps to the girls for rocking the ‘dex in front of God and everyone.

UC: More confession time: I usually find myself eating the worst possible meal while watching Biggest Loser. And then feeling really guilty because while Olivia only gets to eat like 1,000 calories a day, I’m chowing down on a 1,000 calorie burrito or plate of nachos.
Tonight I’m okay though- I made a homemade pizza with broccoli. It just has a little bit of cheese. So It’s all good. Until I eat half of it because Mr. choice isn’t home to stop me

Moon: THANK GOD!!! I thought I was the only one who made homemade mac n cheese or pasta and butter or nachos and settled in to watch Olivia and the gang push a truck around the ranch while Jillian RIDES one of the contestants like a show pony.

UC: [side note Nice green screen Bob. Nice everything Bob. All the time. Stupid lucky man (or men) in his life]

(Editor’s Note: This is where I insert gratuitous pics of #HotBOB, but the pics won’t stay put here. UGHHH -J)

Rulon & Olivia training with Bob:
UC: WHOA… other stuff i missed… Rulon wanted O to go home last week?? ugh UGH… blacklisted! that means nothing cuz he was never on any sort of list. but I will NEVER get teary-eyed when I hear his sad life stories ever again! NO WAY Rulon!

Moon: WHATEVER RULON!!!! I will never salute you or your Olympic Medal again or think you’re a sweet guy with wrestler/califluor ears. You are officially on notice for trying to get the (real) O off the show. JERK!

The one where they all have to row
UC: Seriously? Allison (Ali?) is in a WINTER PARKA and they have to get IN that water? What is this activity called again? Water boarding? Is this what the CIA does to terrorists? ANd Olivia has to do it?

Moon: I’m pretty sure Biggest Loser is just a government cover up for a CIA training program they’re trying to mask as a “game show” so that we all get comfortable with the contestants and would NEVER think they’re actually special ops who kick ass on the side. Allison Sweeny is the Agent M of the group and Bob is the Bosley.

UC: [SIDE NOTE: All Aboard with Bob I jumped onto NBC’s biggest loser page to read why Courtney isn’t there (SAD! Apparently I’ve missed more than 1 episode. Oops) and what do I see!? ALL ABOARD WITH BOB & this amazing image: 

Seriously? A CRUISE with BOB? Will Olivia be there to do my hair & make-up every day? I hope. ]

Moon: No, but Jillian will be there to ride you around the Lido deck. Also do you wonder if they have the midnight chocolate buffet or the all-you-can eat Mexican Fiesta night like most cruises or is it granola and egg whites while Bob teaches the proper way to comb your hair over into the perfect Don Draper bang swoop?

Okay back to the race:
UC: This race is so exciting I even put down my third piece of Pizza YAY!!!!! OLIVIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO one can send our girl home this week!!! Plus she gets a helicopter tour no one gives a crap about!

Moon: What they really want is a tour of middle earth! HELLO! Who doesn’t want to visit where the shot Lord of the Rings and imagine dancing with the Hobbits in the shire and defeating an army of Orcs (read: Rulons) for the ONE RING (aka smaller waist size).

Helicopter tour
UC: Okay. That’s pretty. Maybe it is kinda a big deal. Plus there’s the bonding time for sisters. Oh and there go the waterworks again. Damn you biggest loser. Also danngggg diamonds in Obird’s ears. Are they from Bob? I hope.

Moon: Wait, is that an army of Rulons I see down there?! KILL THEM! Or throw out a few thousand bags of chips that will handle him. ALLEGEDLY (according to the not so secret hidden camera footage).

The Weigh In
UC: I’m SOO glad O has immunity. I couldn’t handle the pressure this week. I’m a wreck enough for Hannah. I can’t handle both of them. (PS sidenote, I gasp at ALL the high & low numbers they flash up there thinking the scale will stop that high or that low. I sound like a major loser. Okay, carry on)
NINETY THREE POUNDS LOST. Dang girl. DANG!!!!!

Moon: I get really annoyed at the weigh in’s because it’s not like THAT’S an actual scale. They didn’t tote the world’s largest trucker weigh station scale out to the side of a mountain in New Zealand. They weigh them off camera. UGH. But I do love the theatrics! OMG 135!? Did someone actually lose 50 pounds in one week? Oh wait, it’s 203… no it’s 178… DANG IT JUST TELL ME!!

UC: I’m just gonna say it. And I’m gonna mean it. I HOPE RULON GOES HOME.

Moon: You mean the leader of the Orcs?

UC: UGHHHH I Spoke too soon. He lost 10 pound? GRRR

Moon: Dang it the chip drop sabotage from the helicopter didn’t work?! Foiled again!

UC: I will not speak until Hannah weighs in.

UC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… This is not her week. This is not her week. Oh there you go Olivia.. Being encouraging, making me cry. I’m officially scared for anyone who votes for Hannah to go home. Olivia might stab them in their sleep with her eyeliner pencil!!!!

Moon: If she uses the MAC pencil you KNOW she means business. That ish ain’t cheap yall! I think I see it in her hand behind her back…

UC: TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!!! If I promise to shop at Kohls & eat Wholly Guacamole, do you think Obird can get them to knock off the commercials? I’ll even take more product placement because it’s just funny watching the girls pretend they love subway sandwiches as much as they make it seem like they do.

Moon: What about the Biggest Losers prepackaged meal plan and Bob’s Quaker Oatmeal (“Quaker Oatmeal is how I start my day!” Sure Bob!) and the many appearances by host of the brand new season of NBC/Universal/Bravo’s Top Chef CURTIS STONE!? Ok, ok Curtis can stay. Cause he’s hot. I’d leg wrestle Hannah for him.

The waterworks
UC: I can’t see the keyboard so I can’t type anything right now. BRB while I go rob a tissue store. Hannah can’t go home. Can’t. CAN’T!!!!!!

Moon: Dude her and whats his name are killing me. His whole story and the secret issues and all that. WAHHH!

UC: Olivia should have been a counselor. I mean, she’s a pretty darn good singer too, but seriously- she’s such a soothing speaker & encourager.

UC: Phew. Hannah is safe. Although I feel so sad. THis show sucks. I watch TV to be entertained. Not to cry & be uplifted. Dammit BIggest Loser. Dammit.

Moon: Next week on “We’re trying our hardest to make you cry…” Someone is reunited with their biological parents, a long lost brother is found, the cure for cancer is discovered and a children’s choir sings song of peace. CAN’T WAIT!!

So, yes, the ladies have the same problem that Lula and I have every week. Too many tears to type, not enough patience to deal with Rulon, and an affinity for #HotBOB. It’s nice to know that we’re all “NORMAL”.

Loves and Hugs,

Jane, Lula, UC and MOON

PS Sometimes I steal blog concepts from these girls who write letters….they love me through it.

Middle Earth, Clearly….and “Purple Moments are NOT Boring”

12 Apr

Aramisette, is this the BOB you love, right here?

Middle Earth = NZ, duh

8:00 PM Jane: Wait are we here?

 Lula:   hey, JANE

  ok, here we go!!!!!

  Look, it’s BOB.

  aramisette, we always refer to BOB in all caps.

 Jane: YO ya’ll!

 Aramisette: k

 Jane: It’s time

8:01 PM We have Ms. Aramisette with us tonight to share in her awesomeness

 Aramisette: Draamaaaaa

 Lula: DRAMZ.

 Jane: “Trainer” is that what we are calling Brett now?

 Aramisette: oh yes it CAN Tara

 Lula: YAY, MARTA IS OUR PEOPLE.

  No, we are calling Brett, Buh-Bye.

  (Mean)

 Aramisette: Durh

  EEEeeeeeep!!!!!

 Jane: Watch their faces!

 Aramisette: So

  Freaking

  JELLY!

 Lula: Um, hi.

8:02 PM Please go to Middle Earth. JEALOUS.

  Awesome.

 Jane: SOOO exciting. O just gave an O face

 Aramisette: have other seasons gone anywhere?

  HA! Jane

  I didn’t watch BL before this

 Jane: Ummm wait, did she just say, “NZ I have heard of it” like it is a book

  Oh no

 Aramisette: hahaha

8:03 PM Lula: I don’t know if they’ve ever gone anywhere

  but oh dear–Kaylee. no.

 Jane: OK, yes Marta I think they have gone places before

  But not sure. We’ll ask Jen from BL

 Lula: Olivia deserves luxury. let’s just say it now.

 Aramisette: whaaaat?

  Oh Hannah

  not good

 Lula: GO OLIVIA.

  craptastic.

 Aramisette: Noooooo

8:04 PM Jane: Awww shucks

 Lula: He seriously needs a new did. Love his heart.

 Aramisette: I wonder if he makes it to makeover week

 Jane: PURTTY

 Look at how skinny O’s face is.

(Apparently we’re admiring O’s face for a bit)

8:06 PM Aramisette: very cool that Hannah and Olivia got to go to NZ together

 Jane: Awww Moses knows about Auckland

 Aramisette: of course!

  it’s part of his history

  i like Alison’s hair btw

 Jane: How much do we love Sami’s belt

 Aramisette: bungee jumping!!

 Lula: ADVENTURE!

8:07 PM Jane: I really liked Sami’s outfit too!

  Finally adventure

 Aramisette: how long arethey in NZ?

 Lula: Yes, loved Sami Brady’s outfit. Very Spring-y.

  It takes like 2 days to fly there…18 hour flight, but then you gotta adjust your body clock and all that mess.

 Aramisette: Ha!

  DearTeamPurple

8:08 PM Aramisette: “They’re in Middle Earth:”

  BWahahaha

 Lula: ROSIE PEREZ

 Aramisette: SO TRUE

  she’s a tiny lil Rosie Perez

 Jane: Look at them running up them stairs. Amazing

 Lula: Jane named her that–Rosie Perez, Jr. so genius

 Jane: YOU ARE HANNAH!!

8:09 PM Aramisette: RP Jr

 Jane: Hannah you are NOT annoying ever…someone else we know who talks like ROsie is annoying

  Poor Ken, bless it

 Lula: Oh, KEN.

 Aramisette: BOB

 Jane: BOB

  jinx

 Lula: BOB is on top.

  TWSS.

 Aramisette: snort

  i love him and his smiling face and tatoos

 Lula: And Olivia is up there with him.

 Jane: Oh no I am worried for Jikk

8:10 PM jill

 Aramisette: shuuuut the fuck up

  holy shiiiiiit

  COMMERCIAL

 Lula: Ken is gonna pass out.

 Jane: That was crazy

  I thought you said Ken just passed out, then I reread

 Lula: and lemme tell y’all–unless Jason or Henry or Alex was waiting to catch me, I would NOT DO THAT SHIZ.

 Jane: He prob did

8:11 PM No way….never

  Marta would you do that bungee stuff?

 Aramisette: maybe?

  i dunno

  i don’t mind rides and stuff

 Jane: Really? My bro did once, but I don’t think I’d do that

 Aramisette: not sure about bumgee jumping

  *bungee

  hahaha

8:12 PM BUMgee

 Jane: I like rides too, but bungee just seems bad for me to try, I feel like I will get hurt, I ALWAYS GET HURT

  BUMGEE sound funnn

 Lula: I don’t mind rides–but that ain’t no ride

 Aramisette: i know

Lula: that is FREE FALLING

  no way.

 Aramisette: fear of my back or neck snapping the wrong way 😕

  :/

8:13 PM U are double tweeting LA!

 Jane: YES I wanna cruise with BOB

 Aramisette: all the time lately

 Lula: It’s not me. it’s my computer

 Aramisette: BACK

 Jane: Poor Jill

 Lula: Jane–you go tweet from the account since my laptop is sick or some shiz.

  lame.

 Jane: But you are better at tweeting during the show and you know it

 Lula: she is CUSSING. love her.

8:14 PM Jane: Just double tweet!

 Aramisette: whatever LA

 Jane: I like you twice

 Aramisette: u can just delete the doubles

 Lula: i do delete them!

  Moses & Rulon are like, SWEET. So is Jay.

 Jane: That is NUTZ that they can’t do it cause of weight

  Still an issue

 Aramisette: O is like first with her hand up

 Jane: SHe is!

8:15 PM I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t, but maybe in the moment it would be different

 Lula: Coach Olivia–cheering Ken on. BLESS IT.

 Aramisette: yeah

  me too

 Lula: and Bob is probably gonna make me cry.

8:16 PM Jane: He is being amazing, as per the usual

  BOB RULES

 Aramisette: d’awwww

 Lula: BOB

 Aramisette: they’re being buddies

 Lula: OH MY STARS, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Aramisette: well, we know they didn’t die

  hahaha

 Lula: Olivia is gonna do it!

 Aramisette: she is Monica from Friends

  super control freak

 Jane: Purple Team we are praying for you, even though we know you lived

8:17 PM Aramisette: hahaha

 Jane: SUCH a Monica

 Aramisette: yes

  HOLY FRAAACK

 Jane: Unnatural

  Hahahha

  Ohh BOB

 Lula: UNNATURAL.

  Awesome.

  BOB rocks my world.

 Aramisette: hahahaha

  she’s flaaailing

 Lula: I am so proud of her.

8:18 PM Jane: I just screamed

  I really did with her the whole way

 Lula: IS IT TIGHT ENOUGH?

  Oh, BOB. That is what HE said.

  (Yeah, I said it.)

 Aramisette: he’s like, whyyy?

  oh Bob

8:19 PM it’ll be Ok

 Jane: Hey Maybe Hannah meets a hot NZ guy with a sexy accent

 Aramisette: Oh Jill

  except aging

 Jane: “Exceprt aging”

 Aramisette: hahaha

 Jane: jinx

 Aramisette: dood

  if i went to New Zealand?

  i would so do this

 Jane: I feel for BOB

 Aramisette: once in a lifetime thing

  i’d do everything i could

 Lula: I’d do it if I had a few drinks in me

 Aramisette: YOU CAN DO IT BOB

8:20 PM Jane: BOB will you do me for the BL? Wait, I didn’t say that

  No I DID

 Lula: JANE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

 Aramisette: durtyyyy

 Lula: best line of the night

8:21 PM Jane: I am red, I never talk dirty

 Lula: hey, you might rock his world and he might want a new persuasion

 Aramisette: i want a kiwi accent

 Jane: But he set me up

  YES

 Aramisette: COMMERCIAL

 Jane: Why is it a kiwi? I want to move there. Let’s look into it

 Lula: dude, we looked into going there for our 10th anniversary–

 Aramisette: just the nickname

 Lula: the airfare alone is RIDIC

 Aramisette: lil bro wants to move there

  bad

8:22 PM and live on a farm

 Lula: scott would have to have first or business class due to his longass legs and the flight being so long….

 Aramisette: yeah, if u go

  u do NZ and Australia

 Lula: forget it–like, thousands of dollars

 Aramisette: for like, 3 weeks

  at least

 Lula: but we still say we’re gonna go one day–without our kids

 Aramisette: i get mad at lil bro when he says he’s moving there b/c that means i’ll never see him

8:23 PM Jane: Silly lil bro

  So far I called Lula silly and little bro tonight

  <<<< I AM SILLY

 Lula: oh, Jane–when The Voice premieres, BL is only 1 hour long that night. lame

 Jane: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 Lula: (I am silly)

8:24 PM Jane: Maybe they will combine and put Christina on the bL that night, no?

 Aramisette: just 1 night?

 Lula: i think–just that night

  Xtina needs some Trainer BOB to whip her boo-tay into shape

  so does Cee-Lo but i loves him

8:25 PM Jane: I know. I was being mean. I NEED 2 hours of Olivia.

  And she cheers him on from thousands of feet down.

 Lula: oh heeeeeeeey, random NZ cutie

 Aramisette: HOT

8:26 PM crazy kiwis

 Jane: Very very hot

 Aramisette: with their super hot accents

 Lula: bless it

 Aramisette: i need me one of those adventure men

  GO KEN

 Jane: KEN!! Amazing

 Lula: I hope Jillian jumps on him

8:27 PM Aramisette: so sad that Courtney couldn’t be here 😦

 Jane: Me too.

  I like Jill’s tee-shirt and enthusiasm

  I can’t spell that

8:28 PM Hahah

  Whatever

 Lula: en-thu-seeeeee-as-m.

8:29 PM Jane: Good for you Moses and BOB. Love it!

 Aramisette: Awwwww

 Jane: Tears may be coming, hearing men cry make me cry

 Lula: BOB is the man

8:30 PM Aramisette:  that was weird

 Jane: It was, there must have been more

  Dear BOB: GIVE Olivia the phone!

 Aramisette: ON

8:31 PM Lula: a lot of times, aramisette, Jane and I admit when we’re bord.

 Aramisette: Kiiiiwiiii!

 Lula: bored.

  we’ll say, THIS IS BORING.

 Aramisette: hahaha

 Lula: and then talk about how we love Olivia.

  ain’t no thang

 Jane: And is this where THE pic came from on FB??

  That is very cool

 Aramisette: what ic?

  *pic?

 Jane: Maybe Austin will be a boatsmen

 Lula: the pic on Jillian’s FB that had Jay in it–so we all knew that Jay was the one coming back.

 Jane: Jill had a pic on FB when she went to NZ with everyone and it showed Jay

 Lula: #NoSurprise

 Jane: Hahaha

8:32 PM This looks fun

 Aramisette: what do u mean the one coming back?

  #confuzzled

 Lula: ‘member, Hannah & Rulon brought Jay back to their team cause it was just the 2 of them

  cause he’d been sent home a long time ago

 Aramisette: ooooh

  ok

 Jane: I want to go sailing!

8:33 PM Aramisette: me too

  my mum used to sail

 Lula: me, too. even though this is kinda boring

 Aramisette: i’m like, why did u never teach me?!

 Lula: like–I’d rather see H and O sailing. with hot dudes. and Ben.

 Jane: I love sailing and once dated a guy a month longer cause he had a sailboat

 Aramisette: it’s a MOMENT

  hahaha

 Lula: yes, but sometimes these moments bore us.

 Jane: Ohh Mama should teach you!

 Lula: Especially Kaylee moments.

 Jane: MOMENTS

 Lula: SISTERS.

 Aramisette: purple moments are not boring

8:34 PM Jane: Awwww that TeamPurple moment is GOOOOOO

 Aramisette: WOAH

 Jane: WOW

 Aramisette: holy shit

 Jane: And it just got real

 Aramisette: he just called Tara out

  it’s what we’ve been saying

  no one is as good as BOB and JILL

 Lula: Cara is lame.com <http://lame.com>

 Jane: Ken has discovered Rope Juggling does not a burn get

8:35 PM Aramisette: WOW

  wow

  she was about to cry

 Jane: I know, it does make me feel bad

  Aramisette: hahahaha

  awww Jane

  i mean JODIE

8:36 PM Jane: hehe

 Lula: i have to peeeeeeee….be right back

 Jane: I am writing down my calories from dinner

  I have been eating like a pescatarian

  Is that how you spell it

8:37 PM No meat just fish, veggies, legumes

 Aramisette: i think it’s a different word?

 Jane: Cheese

  Yogurt

 Aramisette: or how long?

 Jane: For like a month maybe

  Nope I think I may have had chicken

  Not sure

 Aramisette: so when u started u were eating meat?

8:38 PM BACK

 Jane: Yeaah

  BACK

  duh

 Aramisette: is it mostly the working out that’s gettign u to lose?

 Jane: Ohh Ken is going to take over here, and it should be interesting!

 Aramisette: i’m scared

  i hate confrontation

 Jane: Me, no. The writing down of calories is what’s helping

8:39 PM Problem or whatever, let’s talk

 Aramisette: eeeep

 Jane: That’s how she starts a cove

  “Very professiona;”

  with an L

8:40 PM Of she is awful, this is very unprofessional.

  She interrupted him

 Aramisette: this is making me feel awkward

  she’s crying

 Jane: Me too. She is a BIT

  What the efff?

 Aramisette: oh my god oh my god oh my god

8:41 PM Jane: GO Jill you are amazing

  She has no sides

 Aramisette: Cara is being unprofessional

 i can’t listen!

 Lula: sorry, back

 had to kiss the girls goodnight

 8:42 PM Lula: dude, i missed DRAMZ already

 Aramisette: hahaha

  i am so bad

 Jane: YOU DID

 Aramisette:BIG OOPS

 ew i hate bear crawl

  so awkward

 Jane: Work it!

  Loving O’s stud earrings

8:43 PM Oh good She’s focussing on Ken. Good

  Cara has lots of purple on, but she ain’t Team Purple just sayin

 Lula: oh, but YOU AREN’T.

8:44 PM (as good as BOB & Jillian.)

  #I’mMean

 Jane: O’s a GREAT shopper duh

 Aramisette: she knows how to do everything

 Jane: SHe is a cool cat

8:45 PM Aramisette: i’ve never dieted before

  just altered my life eating

  but yeah

  it’s hard to know what to do when you haven’t had to do it before

8:46 PM Lula: lower calories, up activity

  it’s so simple, yet WHO WANTS TO DO THAT?

  i mean, duh

 Aramisette: i know

  it sucks

8:47 PM Jane: I KNOW

  Writing everything down helps me so much

  And I have been learning I LOVE FISH

  Like love love love it

 Aramisette: it’s pricey tho

 Jane: It is, but I rather have fish over anything else or just like hummus

  and veggies

  or cheese

8:48 PM SO purty

  CHALLENGE

 Lula: love Fish

 Jane: Do we like Sami’s hat?

 Lula: love, love love

  and love it grilled, which is key

  i do not like Sami’s hat

  it’s too much

  she’s trying too hard, I think

 Jane: The matchy matchy

8:49 PM Lula: yes.

 Jane: Five K!!

 Aramisette: it’s Ok

 Lula: change the shirt or change the color in the hat and i’d like it better

  maybe the shirt–

  change it.

 Jane: Hannah loves to run on beaches!

 Lula: OK, done with Sami fashion hour

 Jane: hehe

 Lula: Olivia’s skin looks amazing. I hate her.

 Jane: Running as a TEAM

8:50 PM yuggggg

  When they say lovely lunch it worries me as a contestant

  I would be like how lovely?

  Low calories lovely?

  OK here we go!

  Running

 Lula: healthy lovely

 Aramisette: of course!

8:51 PM it’s the view that’s lovely

 Jane: O is helping Moses along. Amazing

 Lula: LOVELY view. oh my stars, that is amazing

 Jane: Totally amazing

  GO GO GO

 Aramisette: eeeep

8:52 PM Jane: I have a strange question, do men need sports bras too?

  I mean I hurt when I am jiggly all over the place

  Those gurls are cheering on MO

  I love it

 Aramisette: well

  technically no

8:53 PM but they should have them for when they’re that big

 Jane: Running in water. WOW!

 8:54 PM awesome!

 Jane: I love it when Hannah talks to her “old self”

 Crazy times

 Go up the dune dune ya’ll

 Aramisette: oh noes

 Jane: GO MOOOOO!

8:55 PM Aramisette: hooow do they do it?

 Jane: This is scary

  Irene the NINJA

  I love that O is right with MO just talking it through with him

8:56 PM Lula: it’s sometimes hard to walk on sand–much less climb that shiz

 Jane: Did you see what BL Jen just wrote

  “Somebody get in Ken’s face! He needs help!”

 That is the BLBlog girl

  She is our Bloggy friend

  Her name is Jen

8:57 PM She writes some FUNNNNY

Continue reading

HOP Movie Tie-In and Massages, Really?

29 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

Well, it’s obvious there is a theme going now….And now, more LIVE BLOGGING with Jane and Lula:

Lula is offline.

Jane:  Here we are!

Alrighty speak…let me here it

Is it bad that I am already bored?

We are all still one

I love Olivia’s talk about Sami

Lula: PURPLE, YO

Jane:  YEAH!! Olivia on my bday you found out that you were gonna be on the show, I remember.

Lula:  I was in Vegas!!!!

And she called and said, “I’M GOING TO THE BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!”

Jane:  My Bday

Lula:  It was your bday! ‘Member–I couldn’t come party cause of Vegas & O was headed to the Ranch. SADNESS.

I’m crying.

Jane:  These vids are awesome!

STOP CRYING not already

SHANANIGANS!

Yeeeahhh I ❤ shananigans

Jane:  How crazy that they are bringing in these people. CRAZY TIMES and the musak

Crazy

Lula:  The musak is DUMB.

Jane:  That one boy, Vance is a cutie

Lula:  And look how cute Olivia is.

OF COURSE HER NAME IS LEIGH ANNE.

She probably spells it wrong.

Jane: Hehehe But O is always cute

Awwwww wrong LA is a mama and so sweet

Lula:  Sami Brady is saying MY name.

Jane: You lucky duck. I want to be said on the BL

Maybe I can meet her one day and she’ll say my name.

I dig Vance’s deep voice

I wonder if they got trainers too.

Lula:  Let’s make it our life goal to get Sami Brady to say AUNT JANICE!

Jane:  Hey I lost almost 30lbs in 3 months

27lbs now

Court is such a flirt

I love it! Confidence

Lula:  You rock, Jane:. I’m so proud of you.

Jane: “Journeys”

Thanks babe!

Wowzer 45lbs is amazing

So this is the part where Sami makes Kaylee feel guilty

Lula:  We are CRACKING UP at you, Jane:–me and Heather.

And I am proud of Vance & Leann. They are losing weight at a “real life pace.”

Jane:  Yes, Real Life pace is hard like crazy

4 teams, ya’ll

Sami loves metaphor based challenges

Also they love challenges that cause everyone to have to say “Balls” the whole time. Yug

Week Off campus. Pooopers

How many challenges are we having this week?

Don’t leave the ranch O!

Olivia is amazing at this, Go girl

(I just typed a lot of nonsense – Jane)

Lula:  Balls.

Jane: Exactly

But notice Sami calls them “Points”

Lula:  I am DYINg at how small Courtney and Olivia and Hannah are.

Jane: OK, now I am bored, although it is nice seeing the skinny minis

JINX

10 balls…..

GO O!!! GO BLUE

Lula:  BALLS.

Blue Balls.

Jane:  Hahaha

Lula:  (Heheheh.)

(this is where we turned 10 years-old)

Jane:  YAYYY!! Not last.

Go Green

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm this is crapola. Where will Brett take them?

Awww they are going to do EASTER! I love EASTER

Back from commercial

Massage?

The Menu is crazy

AHHHH STRA TEE JURY

Lula:  THIS IS DUMB.

A massage? NO.

NO NO NO.

Jane:  Hahaha

Lula:  I mean, we all want a massage, but they are not out there for some pampering.

Jane:  This is silly, but I want to see how it plays out

Gym Memberships!

WHAAAA?? An hour to call people?

Luxery crap is silly.

They are excluding Brett cause who needs Rope Juggling?

Lula:  I just tweeted that. HELL NO. Heather and I are bothered.

Jane:  Rope Juggling can be done easily done without a trainer, duhhh

That was a silly sentence. GET YOUR CONFIDENCE COURT

Courtney should call Ben for confidence!

Lula:  They’re showing this FOR A REASON, Jane:. The shiz is gonna hit the fan. You wait.

Jane:  Yes, seriously

Lula:  Um….THEY BROUGHT THIS ON THEMSELVES.

Jane: Totally on themselves..even Brett says this is bad. Where is Jill? She would kick their ASS

Ohh I call Jillian Jill now, in honor of my mother

Court call BEN!

BEN breaks walls

  Continue reading

The One Where We See Hannah Pray on TV, We Lose Justin and He Calls Us Out

22 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

We really enjoyed our last LIVE Blogging experience. We thought you did too! In fact, expect to see more LIVE Blogging in the future. Please, love us through it. AND GO…………

Lula is online.

Jane: myello

Sent at 7:58 PM on Tuesday

Lula: PURPLE, YO

i am here

Jane: And Olivia starts us out with some “pot stirring”

What on earth?

Lula: she should stir the pot–she’s the CHEF

Olivia now has on a Lab Coat and is Blond. Don't ask.

Jane:  4 Teams???

Oh duh! That is right. I didn’t like the other way that could have gone re: stiring the pot. Thanks for your guidance always Lula

Ohh Hannah Banana…..Love you babe

Lula:  I am nervous.

Jane:  This must be so hard for them….I mean how do you pick away from your friends

Lula:  wait–are we live blogging here–I just wanna be clear

Jane:  duhhhh 

Nervous like whoah…PS is that how you spell whoah?

Lula: whoa

Jane:  Thanks! Listen I WILL BE WITH BOB for whatever!

I mean whatever

Lula:  “Bob is Tongan.” No, BOB IS HOT.

Jane:  What are they calling him Tongen? I need to look that one up and I was an Anthropology minor in College. Oh Irene, Lucky Duck

Lula:  Tongan. Something about Hawaiians or something. We should Google that before we embarrass ourselves.

Jane:  OLIVIA!!!

Lula:  And JILLIAN is gonna beat the SHIT out of Rulon. Like we always knew she would.

Jane:  Don’t say Shizz

Lula:  Of course Olivia is with HER PEOPLE, aka Bob.

Sorry. Shiz.

Jane:  Olivia and Hannah make me teary…….what is new

Lula:  ‘Member that time Olivia wrote me from the Ranch and was all, “Bob is our people?” He is so our people.

Jane:  Thank goodness she gets Jillian! “I will be coming to you shortly”

Lula:  And then Hannah prays on TV and we love her forever. She is COMING HOME, Lordy.

Jane:  Oh Courtney. I love you. I wish you had Jill with Hannah

Dramatic musak

Lula:  This musak is LAME.com <http://LAME.com>

Jane:  YES

Lula:  COOOOOL. Jillian is down.

Jane:  Hannah is with Rulon and I don’t know how I feel. I like that she is with Jill–ian but, not sure about the Rulon bizzness.

Lula:  is Jen on Bret’s team? she is, right?

Jane:  YES. It’s gonna get real

I love that tweet that Hannah just responded to us. Awesome. YEAHHH Daddy Jay or Arthur

Lula:  I feel that Roulon is not Hannah’s people. I wrote back to Hannah just now. Win.

Jane:  I may or may not agree with that….but we shall see. Oh I love Bob waying in.

I mean opinion wise.  Hannah is the biggest angel. DO that right thing. Bless it!

Lula:  DUH. It’s Jay.

also–how hard are we gonna cry when Jillian peaces out at the end of this season?

HARD, that’s how.

Jane:  WORD Jillian gave it away on FB. Silly Jillian

Lula:  But we love her. Even though she showed Jay on FB. With the lobster. OR crab. whatever that thing was.

Jane:  Oh I love her. I hope I get to see Jillian in real life one day…ahem

CRUNCH!  Where is Brody Jenner?  (NOTE: I have a Brody Jenner problem, but I am #TEAMBROVIL)

Look at that girl GO!!

Lula:  BWAHAHAHA. he is with Avril Lavigne.

Jane:  He is! I am team #Brovil

Poor Moses, I feel for him. He is struggling but he is going to get a work out

The cheering is GREAT!

Lula:  They are calling for him like that red sea is gonna part.

Jane:  They ARE! And I would be crying if I was in that class right now…And I don’t cry

Also crying because we could see Olivia.

Lula:  You will cry. At the end of all this, you will SOB YOUR HEAD OFF.

Even the Crunch Hand is Team Purple

Jane:  I wish I could go to CRUNCH this week. Also, just to see BOB. That spinning looks fab fun, but hard

Lula:  I would spin my life away just to see him. yeah, I said it.

Jane:  Look at how HOT Hannah is!!

Lula:  Look, Jillian’s beach house.

Jane:  BEACH house is NICE

Lula: SCARLETT O’HANNAH!

Jane: OK so Beks is calling me. STOP CALLING ME BEKS!

The Purple Team Show is on

Lula:  She is crazy. Hannah is all ARE YOU ON CRACK?

I heart her.

Jane:  I know CRACK. CRACK KILLS. They still have those ugly water bottles.

Lula:  FUGLY water bottles.

Jane:  Gosh I hope they have sunscreen on

Lula:  At this point, even black would rock.

Jane:  Pale gurls worry

Lula:  And bless you–SUNSCREEN. Mama Jane.

Jane:  LORD Have mercy!  I told you CRACK KILLS. This is making me feel uncomfortable

Lula:  CRACK KILLS.

Jane:  He is throwing and pulling those girls around

Lula:  and he’s all, “Jillian is riding me.” Lawsy, what a TWSS.

Jane:  How awesome it is to run on MALIBU! NOW maybe she will actually see Brody Jenner!!

Hannah, Did you see this man while running in Malibu?

Again, NOTE – I may be obsessed with Brody Jenner, in a jokesy kind of way….but why not?

I love Jillian’s glasses

Lula:  I’m obsessed with Jason Statham. And Alexander Skarsgard. WHY NOT?

Jane:  I am kind of ignoring his heart to heart

Lula:  ‘Member that time Olivia signed her email “Olivia Skarsgard Northman” and we died and loved her longtime?

Jane:  It’s about Worthiness….good message. OH my gosh, I forgot about that OSN sign off

Lula:  I am also ignoring it and walking down memory lane. Because Olivia + HotAlex > than Roulon’s pep talk.

Jane:  You know indeed. Did they lose Hannah? 

Lula:  Hannah was all, “Peace out–gotta get my run on while y’all are being all Hallmark Gold Crown Store.”

Jane:  Totally, she was like, I am gonna find me a hot malibu surfer guy. See ya’ll!

I wish the camera went with Hannah…..No BOB, Jill, Hannah, or Olivia

What do we do now?

Lula:  I’m gonna drink some wine. To be honest.

Jane:  I love that Courtney is happy to be outside

Lula:  it’s antioxidants and good for your cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.

(NOTE – for some reason I ignore that Lula is getting her drink on)

Jane:  Are they meditating? This is ummmmmmmmmmmmm interesting

Lula:  IT IS GOD’s NATURE, LAME-O.

Sigh. Go hug a tree, Brett. #I’mMean

Jane:  She is always so positive. Bless Courtney and she lost her mom last week!

Jen is so beautiful

Lula:  Jen is looking AWESOME. All the girls this season are really beautiful.

And then there's Justin

Jane:  And then there’s Justin

Lula:  And I’m not gonna say, “They have pretty faces.” NO THEY ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, ALL OVER.

OMS, “And then there’s Justin.” YEEEEEEE-HAW. Justin. Bless him.

Jane:  They are, I agree. Esp their attitudes.

Lula: (I love you, Janet.) YOU MADE HIM CRY! You done made Justin cry, Jane Trigs.

Jane:  I am special! I wonder how much his facial hair ways…weighs

Lula:  MEAN. But…good point. Also, Brett has chin pubes. He needs to stop with that.

Jane:  More realistic then mean. 🙂

Lula:  NO. NO group hug.

Jane:  Are we advertising now? No Jillian

Lula:  Oh, dear. Commercial. ROULON is talking about being warm inside. I CANNOT SPEAK OF THIS.

Jane:  Well at least she seemed natural. I ignored it.

Continue reading

Sometimes, even if you’re a month behind, you let someone else blog for you

1 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

Jane – I must confess, I’ve called out for back up. I am still catching up with the past posts and still enjoying every minute of re-watching your show. But sometimes, you gotta call in the pinch hitter. Hence, Ms. (@_Freya, Meya) is taking over this evening and making my posting of tonight’s/last night’s show appear on time. #GOHER

 The Biggest Loser Episode 9

 A.K.A. The Importance of Family

A.K.A. Two Hours of Straight Crying

A.K.A. My Friend Olivia is HOT and I Want To Squeeze the HECK Out of Her

A.K.A. Find Me Someone Who is NOT Inspired by Hannah

A.K.A. Oliva + Ben = 4Ever

A.K.A Austin’s Friends are A-Holes

 The subtitles never end with this one.  I’ve been waiting for this episode forever.  If you didn’t figure out the fact that these episodes were filmed months ago, then you haven’t watched enough reality TV.  So I knew that the Biggest Loser contestants were home for two weeks around Christmas.  I even got to chat with my girl Olivia online while she was at home, but I know she spent those two weeks spinning her ASS off.  So it was good to see this episode.

When this episode began, I was finishing up watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Oh, yes, I went there.  That’s why I have the DVR.  So my first question about this episode is why my DVR still has a picture of Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s aunt as the host of the show instead of the gorgeous Ali Sweeney?  That’s just not right.

Of course, Ali Sweeney is bringing the “I’m bringing the PAIN” look at the beginning of the show.  But instead of the usual “You’re going to be set loose in a raging river of chocolate being chased by piranhas and you need to swim a mile in under 10 minutes” she has GOOD NEWS!  All the contestants are going home for two whole weeks! 

Do we like the new Biggest Loser uniforms?

But then she drops the hammer—this isn’t a holiday, y’all.  This is just your training ground for competing in a 5K when you get back!  Have fun!

 Olivia has some trepidation about her relationships.  She knows that she’s made some big changes in her life, and wants to be supported and understood in all of her relationships.  Pssh, girl, I could have told you you’ve got everyone on your side!  No worries!

Then we get to see how great they look out of their sports bras and bike shorts and in real clothes instead!  Mini-makeovers for everyone!  Might I just say, first of all, Olivia is a HOT PIECE, and her hair looks fantastic.  And Hannah is looking particularly hourglassy with some fab legs. 

Every family and friend reunion is special, but of course Hannah and Olivia’s are the best.  Their daddy makes me smile, a LOT.  He says it’s like seeing a new Hannah.  Everybody looks absolutely gobsmacked at Hannah’s hot new bod.

In between the sisters’ homecomings, I was especially touched by Arthur’s homecoming.  He’s at his daughter’s school for his big reveal, and he tells about being afraid to take his daughter to school, not wanting to embarrass her.  And his daughter held her head high, held his hand, and took him right into her school because she loves him.  You can tell that he’s working hard to give her so many reasons to be proud.

Cut back to Olivia.  If one thing is agreed among our friends, it is that she and Ben make marriage look GOOD.  You can tell that they only have eyes for each other from the moment she walks in the room.  And they are a sight for each other!  Ben has lost 57 lbs since Olivia left for the Ranch.  Of course my favorite bit is where Obird asks how much he’s lost, and he replies 57, and she crows “I lost 59!  HA!”  That’s my girl.

Yes, I found a pic of a girl in purple beating a boy at wrestling. #winner

More families loving on their Big Losers, then on to the commercials.  As I fast-forward my DVR, I wonder: Why on earth is there a commercial for the Next Greatest Restaurant during the Biggest Loser?  It just seems wrong to be talking about “grilled cheese for grown-ups” during a weight-loss show.

Courtney’s back at the DQ after the commercials, and is making the right choices.  Arthur and Jesse have a heart-to-heart about the emotional roots of Arthur’s gain. 

I’d like to diverge from the all-important topic of the Purps to talk about what major d-bags Austin’s friends are.  Austin’s lost almost 100 lbs.  He’s a pale as a fish’s belly, true, but a good guy, overall.  His D & D buddies (I’m just assuming here) have all come out for a bowling party for his 21st birthday!  Happy birthday, buddy!  Here, here are cheese fries and cheesecake!  Umm…a-holes.  They all stand around gawping at him, almost daring him to take a bite.  Offering him the first slice.  Tempting him.  How very supportive, friends!  It almost has Austin believing that “I deserve a rest, don’t I?”  It’s like a drug addict going back to his dealers for a party.  One of his friends kind of mutters (after Austin holds strong & doesn’t eat the food) “I feel bad.”  Yeah, you should, dickweed.

Moving on…and back to Astoria!  Holla, Queens!  Olivia takes the massive journey from her home neighborhood to Central Park for a little run with Ben.  He’s always been a runner, and now she can join him!  And I softly “squeeeeee” a little inside at their cuteness.

Kaylee continues to make me think that she’s totally ready to go home.  She’s turning into a slip of a girl, and her take-charge attitude working out her family shows that she’s learned a lot.

Hannah was all over that court and in black. See Picture above.

Back in Nashy with Hannah, she faces the gym with her parents—specifically the volleyball court.  After her sports-career ending injury, this is a challenge for her.  She’s not getting into the groove very easily, and her doubts seem to be building up.  Fortunately, some positive self-talk helps her out.  She says “Give yourself a little credit, Hannah.  Who cares if people are watching?  Who cares if I mess up?”  And once again she’s taking my heart by storm.  I love that attitude!  She gets her v-ball sass back, and even practices with her dad.  Her relationship with her dad made me bawl again, as she says “It’s my favorite thing in the whole world when my dad is proud of me.”  Yay, Daddy Curlee!  We heart you.

Time to go back to the Ranch!  They know about the 5k, but the stakes are news—it’s the same as their very first challenge—choose your trainers again!  My first reaction is in all caps—THEY (Purple Team) HAVE TO STAY WITH BOB AND JILLIAN!  I begin to panic a little.  I know that working with Bob and Jillian has been key to their success so far, and they love those trainers with all their heart.  So now I’m really rooting for them to be in the first seven finishers—those who decide their own fate.

We get a quick “Fitness Tip” with Bret and Kara.  They make “taco muffins”.  It reminds me again why I love Bob and Jillian.  Kara looks like she’s going to vom up the taco muffin even as she says “so good!”

Justin and Rulon are dominating again.   First to 1k, first to 2k.  These are manual treadmills, and they kick people’s butts pretty fast.  Sarah is dilly-dallying on the treadmill, because she’s decided she doesn’t want to choose.  She wants to leave her fate up to…well, fate.  She’s worked with all of the trainers, and feels like she could be with either team.

Lots of gratuitous steaming and sweating shots.  Like, I felt I might need to towel down just from watching.  Justin and Rulon finish first and second, then Kaylee in third, Jen in fourth, Austin in fifth, Marcie in sixth, and I SCREAMED when Olivia came in seventh (with the last position of control!).  Hannah was close on her heels with eighth place. 

The last place battle was the worst to watch.  Arthur was working as hard as he could.  He was pushing so hard.  Sarah suddenly decides to care, and puts on the power, just edging out Arthur.  He almost doesn’t finish, but his whole team pushes him to not be a quitter.  Which is why I love team Black.

Can we talk about the weigh-in?  About the fact that Bob and Jillian are both in LEATHUH?  Like a couple of extras from Grease?  Loving it.  They are so badass.  And Bob in the skinny tie—I die.

Bob and Jillian's next roles on NBC reality TV, GREASE LIVE!

The trainer choices are pretty predictable—until Jen comes out.  Jen jumps ship from Bret and Kara to get Bob and Jillian back.  Smart choice.  Then Hannah comes out with a SHOCKER—she wants to train with Bret and Kara!  Bob and Jillian look like they just got slapped in the face.  But of course, it’s a fake-out—Hannah has her black sports bra on and isn’t going anywhere.  Jillian’s reaction is classic: “I’m going to punch you out!  Get in line!  Not funny!”  Oh, but it was, Jillian.  It was HILARIOUS.  Score one for Hannah!

 Sarah is the deciding factor—if she chooses Black, Arthur will go to Red team, where he has no alliances.  Biggest Loser pulls its usual cockblocking junk, and leaves us on a cliffhanger.  Of course, this is where I run out of fast-forwarding time, and have to stick it out through the commercials to find out that, indeed, Sarah kicks Arthur over to the red team. 

Black team kicks ASS on the weigh-in.  Everyone makes double-digits, and Olivia’s 12 lb weight loss puts in her the glorious ONEderland!  Under 200 lbs for our girl!  I know she was in triple spin classes at NYC over the break, so she earned it!  Hannah loses 11 lbs, too!  For an all-girls team, they pull amazing numbers!

Then it’s Red team time, and I feel kind of disloyal at this point, because I kind of want them to lose more weight.  Like Marcie, I feel torn, because Arthur needs to be on the Ranch so much!  And if Red wins, they don’t have to get rid of him.  But it is not meant to be.  Ken, Moses, Kaylee and Justin only lose single digits.  Ken and Austin both admit that being home was “stressful” (well, no doubt with your a-hole friends, Austin!).   Arthur is shooting for immunity by being the biggest loser of the week, but he has to lose 18 lbs to make that happen.  Unfortunately, he is 2 lbs short of that goal.  Rulon is the biggest loser that week. (By the way, why is this the first episode in which I’ve noticed his cauliflower ear?  I don’t think I’ll be able to look at anything else anymore.)

Again, Bob and Jillian react in a way that makes me love them more.  While Arthur says that he’ll do his best at home, Jillian LOSES IT.  She screams “Fight, PLEASE!  We have fought for you to be here!”  Bob pleads for Arthur, saying that it is not that important to play the game, when this is a matter of life and death for Arthur, that Arthur is exactly the person Biggest Loser was made for. 

Dear Justin, This Pic's for you. Hugs, DTP

While Red team gives lip service to “thinking about” keeping Arthur, predictably, they stick by their alliances and vote him off.  Justin’s speech about “I don’t feel like I can be the judge of who needs to be here the most” is absolute BULL.  A professional just BEGGED for him to stay, saying it’s life and death!  Can’t you SEE for yourself?  Kaylee could go home, easily.  Her weight-loss is slowing.  But instead, they choose Arthur to go.  And I’m angry. 

Catching up with Arthur, we see him at 345 lbs!  This is 300 lbs down from his highest weight, and he’s working out twice a day and eating healthfully.  He is determined to win the at-home prize, and I wish him luck. 

Previews for next week feature Hannah!  So, I’m grabbing my tissues for next week, too!

Looking to invest in Kleenex Co.,

Freya

P.S. I’ve now lost 20lbs. #GOME -Jane

You gotta get your burn, and the Others return to the Ranch

1 Feb

Dear Team Purple:

No, I'm not offereing free advertising so you'll send me there, nope, not all.

So after weeks of pitching the “others” over at the Malibu Fitness Ridge, we get to see the trainers who train the others, Cara, a New Yorker, sounding a bit Rosie Perez-esq and Brett who is easy on the eyes, but clearly no Bob Harper. The two trainers were certainly nothing to hold as a mystery for all this time, NBC. They’re not ex Biggest Loser trainers, not famous Ex Biggest Loser contestants, or any other famous people. They were just, you know…trainers.

So having met the trainers, we get to see more of their training style, which seems to consist of rope juggling, calisthenics, and boxing training….interesting, but nothing we haven’t seen Bob and Jillian do in the past really. Again, why the secret? Were they kept under wraps in the hopes that Cara would learn better make-up tips before you reveal her to the world? (Yes, I went there, I am sorry, even I know too much under eye cover-up is a bad move). Or was it to cerate drama? Well, we all know the answer and drama shmama, I’m moving on.

But before moving on, we have to watch the others train some. Apparently, Q from the red team is annoyed that sitting around and cheering on his teammates while they box, is not “getting him his burn.” Q walks away to try and find some more exercises to go through. While I can’t blame him for not wanting to stand around and watch others exercise, instead of getting his “burn” perhaps he shouldn’t have handled his annoyance with the teamwork/cheering each other on, training session that Cara was employing that day so childishly, but enough about the others. Bad attitudes and make-up, I’m bored.

Back at the ranch (yes, I get to write it out this week) we see all of Team Billian’s folks working it. Bob takes out some folks, mainly Dan or is it Don, whomever of the 2 is remaining, Jesse and some others to run his circuit. They are pushing it hard and not taking names.

Next we go into the gym to see more of Team Jillian, including you ladies, TEAM PURPLE! Jillian describes a little of the fear she sees in Hannah as she does certain back exercises and we hear a little bit about, you Hannah and who you were in the earlier 90’s. God Bless the 90’s. Thankfully, you didn’t have the big hair like I did and you were instead, a cute, smily thing who rocked at volley ball. They showed us several of your awesome serving shots and a magazine page with your picture. You explained your story of the accident and how your disks in your back were in pieces. Sooo sad. Several of my new Twitter friends agreed while watching this show and said that they really empathized with you and your struggle with weight loss post a serious injury. Luckily…..JILLIAN TO THE RESCUE.

Totally NOT Hannah but shows another awesome backbend. A way cute kid though, right?

Jillian, having recognized your struggles, sees that she has to show you that you are strong and your body is healed. And in a move that any simple grade schooler can do, she changed your life. I love it. In tears we all tweet how proud we are of you and your back bend. We see it in Olivia’s appreciative smile to Jillian and the tears in her eyes. It shows how much this means to you and to her. AMAZING. With that, I could turn off the show for the week. I am done! Continue reading

The One Where America Learns of the Delicacy Known as Monkey Bread & “none of this stuff looks as good as a hot guy”

25 Jan

Dear Purple Team: 

After last week’s weigh-in debacle, with the Don and Dan drama, we are more than ready for this week’s challenges and excitement. However, unlike when LOST aired last year, Prez Obama did not postpone his SOTU address, in order to accommodate two hours of the Biggest Loser (or as Jane’s Mom calls it, “The Greatest Loser). Clearly, he has not gotten the memo about the Biggest Loser being the true LOST replacement. Totally annoying, but as many of our Twitterer watching partners pointed out, the one hour time frame did make the show move a little faster.

Nevertheless, we start off knowing the show will end an hour earlier and the various teams, other than you girls, attack Don for his manipulation of the scale. Bless our Hannah, who remains the only one of the group to ask, if there’s something she could do to help poor 9 lbs gaining, Don. By the way, what do you think he did to gain the 9lbs? I came up with several suggestions, like stuffing his shorts with sand, wearing 9lb glasses, or guzzling 9lbs of water before weighing in (can you even do that). Enough with the lameness, even though I am quite flummoxed by how the gaining occurred, we move on to the 1st day back in the gym and Sami Brady shows up.

Dharma Monkey Bread? Yes, please!

Sami has a special challenge for our teams and our purple ladies. She has a fully stocked locker of Dahrma food of all the player’s favorite foods. We have pizza, mac & cheese (from the box, yugggg), cheesecake, and alas–MONKEY BREAD!

Now if you’ve ever been any kind of good southern kitchen worth its weight in butter, you’ve had yourselves some monkey bread. Olivia, of course described its texture and deliciousness to Sami, because evidently they don’t make good homemade baked goods in Salem. But we’ll love her through it. And alas, Sami and the Biggest Loser watching world, now know the delicacy, Monkey Bread and all is right with the world.

Not to be out done by the glorious monkey bread our girls give us another one of the best quotes of the night, when they are locked into the “food pantry”. Just as Hannah starts to turn her head away from Olivia’s, to gaze at her favorite cheesecake, you dear Olivia stop her to say, “Does any of this look as good as a hot guy?” All of America screams, NO for you, Hannah. And you all pass your test hand in hand.

Feel the Love! Feel the Power!

No one thinks of eating not even Dan/Don or whoever. Until…….Arthur. If you had to guess from the beginning who might eat, I think we would have all guessed Arthur, I am sorry to say. Ohhh Arthur. Bless it.  At least it was just a chicken wing And now that he ate, Arthur has to choose which team to send over to the “Barracks” with the Orthers. For no rhyme or reason he choses the green team, father/daughter, Jay and Jen. Well, there it is and there they go. I am sad they have to leave their friends to go to the other team, but I can’t help thinking they’re getting a great advantage in gameplay.
 
Then I wrote a bunch of stuff here and it got erased and I cannot remember what I wrote. My computer hates me clearly. I do remember it had to do with how awesome Team Purple is, and how I liked the Courtney bonding time with her mom and how cushy the Others had it over at the “barracks”. But anyhow…..

Next there is a new challenge involving guessing the total amount of calories for 5 of the temptation challenge items. The calorie total has to be guessed then hoisted up a flag pole type device and a button is pressed that will blink green for correct and red for incorrect. The green team comes over from Team Otherton to be included for this challenge and has to compete by themselves vs the rest of their old Ranch mates. However, via an easier pulley system or something, the difficulty in hoisting the numbers is equalled out, you just have to guess the right carlorie total number. In this challenge, the winner will get mail from home and we all rejoice at home, hoping you’ll get our letters and cards!! Wahoooo.

The Ranchers vs Team Green begin. There’s screaming on the Ranchers and realize that the Green Team can hear them if they scream what numbers they choose next. Uh oh….team work isn’t the Ranchers strong suit as we’ve seen with that crazy raft challenge. Watching the wrong numbers being hoisted up and having to bring them back down again makes us feel the pain in your eyes. So frustrating! But excellent exercise!
 
So finally, our Rancher team, including you ladies get the calorie amounts correct and win the challenge. Letters explode overhead all over the Ranchers. I look to find the stuff I know that has been sent your way. Seeing your arms filled with mail, brightens my spirit. I know you feel loved. The producers let you, Olivia, read an excellent letter from dear Ben and our eyes (even Jane’s) tear up. Others read some mail as well, Arthur from his kids, Dan/Don from his not so nice son, and on. It’s awesome. What a great way to end the show!
Like I said, no weigh-ins tonight, no kicking off of anyone, no losing of anything or anyone, just loveing notes from home. It makes me feel all loving and toasty, just remembering. Until next week, where there are two weigh-ins, two people possibly being sent home, and the return of the Others to the ranch. We’re not alone anymore, ladies.               
                       
Hoping there’s room for eveyone at the table next week,
Janet and Lula
               
PS I heard Jillian say, “God Bless” this week. Bless her heart.