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NBC Wants Us to Not Like the Red Team, We Can’t Help It

9 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

In an effort to actually blog on time, our dearest Lula and I decided to LIVE Blog via GChat. We laughed together, we cried together, we prayed together, we screamed together, we made up stories together while bored (Red Team) and we compared ya’ll to LOST, as we should. Boy was this one a total nail biter. So very glad we made it through together. So at last, I bring you Random LIVE Blogging with Jane and Lula:

Jane:  And to begin

Hannah is amazing, but she needs to not argue with Jillian. Duh

Lula:  YES.

Jane:  Hannah you are capable!

4 reasons you do it

1) Tall and thin enough

2) Knowledge….what else?  I missed it…

Lula:  BECAUSE SHE’S SCARLETT O’HANNAH

I’m tweeting that.

 Jane:  that is it. And you know what Jill is right.  mean she does look aazing

that was amazing

Oh crap she’s making me want to get teary

I could watch the Hannah Banana show all seasn*  (*editor note – Jane is notorious for bad grammer and spelling. If it wasn’t in here, Olivia wouldn’t believe it was Jane)

 Lula:  She gon’ make me cry

 Jane:  How excited is it that Marci is now the captain? They needed a leader on that carebear team

I also think that I need to keep all bad spellings and grammer. That way Olivia will know it’s really me (*SEE)

Jane:  How much do I lovethat my Mama calls Jillian, Jill. Bless her heart. She called me as I was leaving work and she kept talking about “Jill”. Hhaha

OLIVIA!

Lula:  Look at her apron!

Jane:  Betty Crocker O

Lula:  BETTY CROCKER.

Jane:  They called her OB

Love it!

 Lula:  MAMA OLIVIA and her SIX GIRLS!  Bless it.

Jane:  Bless it. Hummus…I wants it

Spin Bike YES

Lula:  “WHAT WOULD A MOM DO?”  And now Obird is gonna make me cry.  Because we know.  WE KNOW.

I am screaming.  Please love me through it.

Jane:  She will be the greatst Mama, WE KNOW

Lula:  WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

See!  We KNOW!

WE KNOW THIS, JANET.  Oh, dear God.  Let’s just cry now.

(apparant crying ensues)

Jane:  Is it wrong that I want to yawn now?

Lula:  NO.  That they kept Kaylee (however you spell it) when she lost only 1 pound and sent Arthur home is RUDE.

(Marta just tweeted something awesome–we need to quote her.)* (* Never did find out what that was. LIVE blogging is fast)

Jane:  RUDE

I just told off Chris Weitz on Twitter. He tweets now Olivia and he kind of loses control. Doesn’t he know the Team Purple show is on?

I am a little bored still….”Family”

 Lula:  THE FAMILY STUFF IS LAME.COM <http://LAME.COM&gt;

 Jane:  Ewww Mud!

 Lula:  Also, Justin is NOT INSPIRING.

Jane:  NOT

I just said, “NOT” like that was a thoughtful comment

Ken is cooking?Hmmm

I forgot to eat lunch today, it sucks

I am hungry now.

I wonder if they use http://www.myfitnesspal.com like I do

Lula:  We had a BL supper–from the BL cookbook.

it was not so good, but hey–low calorie, low fat, LOW TASTE.  dangit.

Jane:  Was it Olivia nd not Ken based? Cause Olivia is Queen Cook

Not all the time…..Low clorie can be tasty! Really. But sometimes you get a bad one.

BURN

Gets my BURN

FREE ADVERTISING!! Now what do I get?

I type a bunch

Lula:  it was steamed brown rice (so boring) and steamed cut corn (no butter–lame) and chicken breast breaded with panko.  it was ok.  but not so tasty

Jane:  Why can’t they say when they went home? I mean some people know (and I am keepig this comment in)

It was during a hard time where people eat a lot people. I think i should be mentioned. But not by me

*it should be mentioned

Lula:  think what should be mentioned?

wait–confused.

Jane:  When the time at home was

During which period

CHALLENGE time

What does Sami have on?

Oh Sami…no

The hat!

Lula:  OH, SAMI. 

HALE NO.

That hat is ridiculous.  She knows better.  Marlena taught her better.

Jane:  What the heck are they gonna do with $6000 on campus

I don’t get the cash prize stuff while they are there

OK people Strateejury

Lula:  STRA TEE JURY.

Be right back–gotta kiss my girls.

Jane:  GO!

That’s right JEN. Red is NO victory

Lula:  back

Jane:  This is gross, and taking a while

Lula:  that is some GOO

and not GOO like our GOO

but goo like gross goo

Jane:  Gross GOO

I hope someone falls

DON’t Pannick

What on earth am I supposed to write

Lula:  “3 Foot Log”  TWSS

Jane:  OLIVIA “That Guy” YES!

That’s what we all think

Lula:  YES. i’ll tweet that. (The TWSS went completly over my head -Jane)

Jane:  Olivia sometimes it is difficult not to write things that are derogatory (sp?) to the Red Team

Love me through it…I just wanna cheer for you

BLACK WINS!

Lula:  WINNER WINNER LOW-FAT CHICKEN DINNER!

Jane:  New make-up with $6K

An executive chef?

Lula:  Think of all the MAC O and Hannah can buy with that money.

More FREE advertising, ahem

 Jane:  On what?

Ohh you said MAC, WAIT! That’s make-up I know that

Lula:  Yes–MAC.  It’s Olivia’s make-up of choice.  And Norah’s, too.

Jane:  <<— Make-up dumb

Oh wow! The Red Team WOW

I am glad I on’t have to love them

Poor Ken talking about snacks. Hey it’s Product Placment time!

Lula:  THESE COMMERCIALS ARE LAME

And the red team is…ah, I’ll be nice.

Jane:  So I think some of my vowels on my keyboard are sticking. It’s not just that I am a bad typer

Lula:  And be quiet.

Jane:  Although I can’t soell

Lula:  soell

ha!

Jane:  UGGHH

Continue reading

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Sometimes, even if you’re a month behind, you let someone else blog for you

1 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

Jane – I must confess, I’ve called out for back up. I am still catching up with the past posts and still enjoying every minute of re-watching your show. But sometimes, you gotta call in the pinch hitter. Hence, Ms. (@_Freya, Meya) is taking over this evening and making my posting of tonight’s/last night’s show appear on time. #GOHER

 The Biggest Loser Episode 9

 A.K.A. The Importance of Family

A.K.A. Two Hours of Straight Crying

A.K.A. My Friend Olivia is HOT and I Want To Squeeze the HECK Out of Her

A.K.A. Find Me Someone Who is NOT Inspired by Hannah

A.K.A. Oliva + Ben = 4Ever

A.K.A Austin’s Friends are A-Holes

 The subtitles never end with this one.  I’ve been waiting for this episode forever.  If you didn’t figure out the fact that these episodes were filmed months ago, then you haven’t watched enough reality TV.  So I knew that the Biggest Loser contestants were home for two weeks around Christmas.  I even got to chat with my girl Olivia online while she was at home, but I know she spent those two weeks spinning her ASS off.  So it was good to see this episode.

When this episode began, I was finishing up watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Oh, yes, I went there.  That’s why I have the DVR.  So my first question about this episode is why my DVR still has a picture of Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s aunt as the host of the show instead of the gorgeous Ali Sweeney?  That’s just not right.

Of course, Ali Sweeney is bringing the “I’m bringing the PAIN” look at the beginning of the show.  But instead of the usual “You’re going to be set loose in a raging river of chocolate being chased by piranhas and you need to swim a mile in under 10 minutes” she has GOOD NEWS!  All the contestants are going home for two whole weeks! 

Do we like the new Biggest Loser uniforms?

But then she drops the hammer—this isn’t a holiday, y’all.  This is just your training ground for competing in a 5K when you get back!  Have fun!

 Olivia has some trepidation about her relationships.  She knows that she’s made some big changes in her life, and wants to be supported and understood in all of her relationships.  Pssh, girl, I could have told you you’ve got everyone on your side!  No worries!

Then we get to see how great they look out of their sports bras and bike shorts and in real clothes instead!  Mini-makeovers for everyone!  Might I just say, first of all, Olivia is a HOT PIECE, and her hair looks fantastic.  And Hannah is looking particularly hourglassy with some fab legs. 

Every family and friend reunion is special, but of course Hannah and Olivia’s are the best.  Their daddy makes me smile, a LOT.  He says it’s like seeing a new Hannah.  Everybody looks absolutely gobsmacked at Hannah’s hot new bod.

In between the sisters’ homecomings, I was especially touched by Arthur’s homecoming.  He’s at his daughter’s school for his big reveal, and he tells about being afraid to take his daughter to school, not wanting to embarrass her.  And his daughter held her head high, held his hand, and took him right into her school because she loves him.  You can tell that he’s working hard to give her so many reasons to be proud.

Cut back to Olivia.  If one thing is agreed among our friends, it is that she and Ben make marriage look GOOD.  You can tell that they only have eyes for each other from the moment she walks in the room.  And they are a sight for each other!  Ben has lost 57 lbs since Olivia left for the Ranch.  Of course my favorite bit is where Obird asks how much he’s lost, and he replies 57, and she crows “I lost 59!  HA!”  That’s my girl.

Yes, I found a pic of a girl in purple beating a boy at wrestling. #winner

More families loving on their Big Losers, then on to the commercials.  As I fast-forward my DVR, I wonder: Why on earth is there a commercial for the Next Greatest Restaurant during the Biggest Loser?  It just seems wrong to be talking about “grilled cheese for grown-ups” during a weight-loss show.

Courtney’s back at the DQ after the commercials, and is making the right choices.  Arthur and Jesse have a heart-to-heart about the emotional roots of Arthur’s gain. 

I’d like to diverge from the all-important topic of the Purps to talk about what major d-bags Austin’s friends are.  Austin’s lost almost 100 lbs.  He’s a pale as a fish’s belly, true, but a good guy, overall.  His D & D buddies (I’m just assuming here) have all come out for a bowling party for his 21st birthday!  Happy birthday, buddy!  Here, here are cheese fries and cheesecake!  Umm…a-holes.  They all stand around gawping at him, almost daring him to take a bite.  Offering him the first slice.  Tempting him.  How very supportive, friends!  It almost has Austin believing that “I deserve a rest, don’t I?”  It’s like a drug addict going back to his dealers for a party.  One of his friends kind of mutters (after Austin holds strong & doesn’t eat the food) “I feel bad.”  Yeah, you should, dickweed.

Moving on…and back to Astoria!  Holla, Queens!  Olivia takes the massive journey from her home neighborhood to Central Park for a little run with Ben.  He’s always been a runner, and now she can join him!  And I softly “squeeeeee” a little inside at their cuteness.

Kaylee continues to make me think that she’s totally ready to go home.  She’s turning into a slip of a girl, and her take-charge attitude working out her family shows that she’s learned a lot.

Hannah was all over that court and in black. See Picture above.

Back in Nashy with Hannah, she faces the gym with her parents—specifically the volleyball court.  After her sports-career ending injury, this is a challenge for her.  She’s not getting into the groove very easily, and her doubts seem to be building up.  Fortunately, some positive self-talk helps her out.  She says “Give yourself a little credit, Hannah.  Who cares if people are watching?  Who cares if I mess up?”  And once again she’s taking my heart by storm.  I love that attitude!  She gets her v-ball sass back, and even practices with her dad.  Her relationship with her dad made me bawl again, as she says “It’s my favorite thing in the whole world when my dad is proud of me.”  Yay, Daddy Curlee!  We heart you.

Time to go back to the Ranch!  They know about the 5k, but the stakes are news—it’s the same as their very first challenge—choose your trainers again!  My first reaction is in all caps—THEY (Purple Team) HAVE TO STAY WITH BOB AND JILLIAN!  I begin to panic a little.  I know that working with Bob and Jillian has been key to their success so far, and they love those trainers with all their heart.  So now I’m really rooting for them to be in the first seven finishers—those who decide their own fate.

We get a quick “Fitness Tip” with Bret and Kara.  They make “taco muffins”.  It reminds me again why I love Bob and Jillian.  Kara looks like she’s going to vom up the taco muffin even as she says “so good!”

Justin and Rulon are dominating again.   First to 1k, first to 2k.  These are manual treadmills, and they kick people’s butts pretty fast.  Sarah is dilly-dallying on the treadmill, because she’s decided she doesn’t want to choose.  She wants to leave her fate up to…well, fate.  She’s worked with all of the trainers, and feels like she could be with either team.

Lots of gratuitous steaming and sweating shots.  Like, I felt I might need to towel down just from watching.  Justin and Rulon finish first and second, then Kaylee in third, Jen in fourth, Austin in fifth, Marcie in sixth, and I SCREAMED when Olivia came in seventh (with the last position of control!).  Hannah was close on her heels with eighth place. 

The last place battle was the worst to watch.  Arthur was working as hard as he could.  He was pushing so hard.  Sarah suddenly decides to care, and puts on the power, just edging out Arthur.  He almost doesn’t finish, but his whole team pushes him to not be a quitter.  Which is why I love team Black.

Can we talk about the weigh-in?  About the fact that Bob and Jillian are both in LEATHUH?  Like a couple of extras from Grease?  Loving it.  They are so badass.  And Bob in the skinny tie—I die.

Bob and Jillian's next roles on NBC reality TV, GREASE LIVE!

The trainer choices are pretty predictable—until Jen comes out.  Jen jumps ship from Bret and Kara to get Bob and Jillian back.  Smart choice.  Then Hannah comes out with a SHOCKER—she wants to train with Bret and Kara!  Bob and Jillian look like they just got slapped in the face.  But of course, it’s a fake-out—Hannah has her black sports bra on and isn’t going anywhere.  Jillian’s reaction is classic: “I’m going to punch you out!  Get in line!  Not funny!”  Oh, but it was, Jillian.  It was HILARIOUS.  Score one for Hannah!

 Sarah is the deciding factor—if she chooses Black, Arthur will go to Red team, where he has no alliances.  Biggest Loser pulls its usual cockblocking junk, and leaves us on a cliffhanger.  Of course, this is where I run out of fast-forwarding time, and have to stick it out through the commercials to find out that, indeed, Sarah kicks Arthur over to the red team. 

Black team kicks ASS on the weigh-in.  Everyone makes double-digits, and Olivia’s 12 lb weight loss puts in her the glorious ONEderland!  Under 200 lbs for our girl!  I know she was in triple spin classes at NYC over the break, so she earned it!  Hannah loses 11 lbs, too!  For an all-girls team, they pull amazing numbers!

Then it’s Red team time, and I feel kind of disloyal at this point, because I kind of want them to lose more weight.  Like Marcie, I feel torn, because Arthur needs to be on the Ranch so much!  And if Red wins, they don’t have to get rid of him.  But it is not meant to be.  Ken, Moses, Kaylee and Justin only lose single digits.  Ken and Austin both admit that being home was “stressful” (well, no doubt with your a-hole friends, Austin!).   Arthur is shooting for immunity by being the biggest loser of the week, but he has to lose 18 lbs to make that happen.  Unfortunately, he is 2 lbs short of that goal.  Rulon is the biggest loser that week. (By the way, why is this the first episode in which I’ve noticed his cauliflower ear?  I don’t think I’ll be able to look at anything else anymore.)

Again, Bob and Jillian react in a way that makes me love them more.  While Arthur says that he’ll do his best at home, Jillian LOSES IT.  She screams “Fight, PLEASE!  We have fought for you to be here!”  Bob pleads for Arthur, saying that it is not that important to play the game, when this is a matter of life and death for Arthur, that Arthur is exactly the person Biggest Loser was made for. 

Dear Justin, This Pic's for you. Hugs, DTP

While Red team gives lip service to “thinking about” keeping Arthur, predictably, they stick by their alliances and vote him off.  Justin’s speech about “I don’t feel like I can be the judge of who needs to be here the most” is absolute BULL.  A professional just BEGGED for him to stay, saying it’s life and death!  Can’t you SEE for yourself?  Kaylee could go home, easily.  Her weight-loss is slowing.  But instead, they choose Arthur to go.  And I’m angry. 

Catching up with Arthur, we see him at 345 lbs!  This is 300 lbs down from his highest weight, and he’s working out twice a day and eating healthfully.  He is determined to win the at-home prize, and I wish him luck. 

Previews for next week feature Hannah!  So, I’m grabbing my tissues for next week, too!

Looking to invest in Kleenex Co.,

Freya

P.S. I’ve now lost 20lbs. #GOME -Jane

You gotta get your burn, and the Others return to the Ranch

1 Feb

Dear Team Purple:

No, I'm not offereing free advertising so you'll send me there, nope, not all.

So after weeks of pitching the “others” over at the Malibu Fitness Ridge, we get to see the trainers who train the others, Cara, a New Yorker, sounding a bit Rosie Perez-esq and Brett who is easy on the eyes, but clearly no Bob Harper. The two trainers were certainly nothing to hold as a mystery for all this time, NBC. They’re not ex Biggest Loser trainers, not famous Ex Biggest Loser contestants, or any other famous people. They were just, you know…trainers.

So having met the trainers, we get to see more of their training style, which seems to consist of rope juggling, calisthenics, and boxing training….interesting, but nothing we haven’t seen Bob and Jillian do in the past really. Again, why the secret? Were they kept under wraps in the hopes that Cara would learn better make-up tips before you reveal her to the world? (Yes, I went there, I am sorry, even I know too much under eye cover-up is a bad move). Or was it to cerate drama? Well, we all know the answer and drama shmama, I’m moving on.

But before moving on, we have to watch the others train some. Apparently, Q from the red team is annoyed that sitting around and cheering on his teammates while they box, is not “getting him his burn.” Q walks away to try and find some more exercises to go through. While I can’t blame him for not wanting to stand around and watch others exercise, instead of getting his “burn” perhaps he shouldn’t have handled his annoyance with the teamwork/cheering each other on, training session that Cara was employing that day so childishly, but enough about the others. Bad attitudes and make-up, I’m bored.

Back at the ranch (yes, I get to write it out this week) we see all of Team Billian’s folks working it. Bob takes out some folks, mainly Dan or is it Don, whomever of the 2 is remaining, Jesse and some others to run his circuit. They are pushing it hard and not taking names.

Next we go into the gym to see more of Team Jillian, including you ladies, TEAM PURPLE! Jillian describes a little of the fear she sees in Hannah as she does certain back exercises and we hear a little bit about, you Hannah and who you were in the earlier 90’s. God Bless the 90’s. Thankfully, you didn’t have the big hair like I did and you were instead, a cute, smily thing who rocked at volley ball. They showed us several of your awesome serving shots and a magazine page with your picture. You explained your story of the accident and how your disks in your back were in pieces. Sooo sad. Several of my new Twitter friends agreed while watching this show and said that they really empathized with you and your struggle with weight loss post a serious injury. Luckily…..JILLIAN TO THE RESCUE.

Totally NOT Hannah but shows another awesome backbend. A way cute kid though, right?

Jillian, having recognized your struggles, sees that she has to show you that you are strong and your body is healed. And in a move that any simple grade schooler can do, she changed your life. I love it. In tears we all tweet how proud we are of you and your back bend. We see it in Olivia’s appreciative smile to Jillian and the tears in her eyes. It shows how much this means to you and to her. AMAZING. With that, I could turn off the show for the week. I am done! Continue reading

“I Am Gonna Puke In This Place!”

11 Jan

Dear Team Purple:

How do you start a blog about a Team on a Show that is called the Biggest Loser? Having plenty of experience LIVE and other Blogging about LOST over the last couple of seasons, we inevitably realized that we clearly could not LIVE blog to the Biggest Loser, not just because it’s not LOST (bless LOST), but also because one cannot type while watching a dear friend and her sister who are on the Biggest Loser. Why you might ask? Well tears and typing don’t mix, Dammit. Why is this show so filled with tears? Oh right, it’s the life changing goings on, but WOW.

Having not seen much of The Biggest Loser we had no clue what to expect, other than folks busting boo-tay to lose weight.  We knew we’d cry, because our friend would be opening her heart and sharing her life, weighing on a ginormous scale while wearing bike shorts and a sports bra, and being pushed to extreme limits by two of the most famous trainers on the planet, all in front of millions of people.  She’d cry, we’d cry, Sami Brady would be crying, and you’d well up with tears.  Admit it.

But we also knew we’d all laugh, because my girl, Olivia Ward, and her sister, Hannah Curlee, would be bringing their southern sass into the homes of America, and what the world needs now is more southern sass.  Amen.

Watching the first episode of this new Season brought forth many feelings, tears, thoughts and of course, observations. However, clearly the world needs observations from a Biggest Loser Newbie to revel in, just as the show is starting its 11th Season. Lula is  just the person to share those with you:

*Bob Harper is H-O-T.  I mean, please.  Why have y’all been holding out on me?  Olivia and Janet and I have spent far too many hours discussing our love of a particular Swede but I’m now adding the trainer from Tennessee to our collective Freebie Five.  For real.

Hey there, I'm just a HOT guy you didn't know about.

*Someone needs to get me the brand & shade of Jillian’s lip gloss, as it is fabulous.  And by “someone,” I clearly mean Olivia, as she is the Make-Up Goddess.

*The Brita water bottles used by the contestants for rehydration are straight up hideous.  Can Brita not provide bottles which match each team’s prospective color?  (Purple, REPRESENT!)  If not, may I politely suggest to NBC that this might be a job for the nice people at PUR?  Is all I’m saying.

*When Olivia spoke of “going to the Ranch,” I pictured her working out at this industrial-type gym in the middle of a barren desert, surrounded by tumbleweeds, cactus, bales of hay, and maybe a few horses.  Imagine my surprise to learn that “the Ranch” is decorated with wrought-iron light fixtures, flowers and topiary trees.  It essentially looks like a resort.  This “Ranch” is awesome.

*Alison Sweeney is pretty in pink, and it might be unprofessional and fangirly of me to refer to her as “Sami Brady.”  But as Alice Horton as my witness, she will always be Samantha Brady to me.   (OH MY STARS, Team Purple has met Sami Brady!  And so our the days of your lives.)

What I learned from my first two hours of The Biggest Loser:

*Jillian is badass.  She is also not a woman who gives a sh*t.  This is a lesson we will all do well to remember.

*Bob is badass.  He is also tenderhearted.  Who didn’t appreciate his walk with Arthur?  Bob is training our friend, y’all!  That’s just awesome right there.

*Jillian would be an awesome Quidditch beater.  For Gryffindor, of course.

*Hands down, the best one-liners of the episode came from Team Purple.  No surprise there!  Let’s review some of their gems, shall we?

–“I thought this was Biggest Loser,” says Hannah.  “But apparently this is pick your own trainer–who’s behind door #2?” scoffs Olivia.

–“Really?  You’re gonna give up Bob & Jillian?” Olivia is incredulous.  So were we.  And we get it. Four weeks of immunity is an awesome gift.  But so is looking at Bob and Jillian for even just 1 week.  Wait, I said looking.   Of course I mean training.  Ahem.

–“Somebody lost a kindergartner!” “A kindergartner and a bulldog!”  Hannah & Olivia, upon learning that someone who was trained by the “unknown trainers” lost 41 pounds.

As the episode ended and we knew that both Olivia and Hannah were safely ensconced at the Ranch for another week, we agreed with Olivia’s assessment of their weight loss (16 pounds apiece):  “That is not shabby!”  Yes, that is not shabby at all!  Though neither of us have watched this show much before, clearly it will be our weekly Tuesday date  and of course we’ll use this show as our LOST replacement cheer for you to be above the yellow line.

 Our friend and her sister pushed a Chevy truck around a ranch in California.  What did you do this week?  

Outside Pushing Our Cars Down The Street,
Lula & Jane