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Sometimes Normal People Break Stuff Down, Cause it’s FUNNY

19 Apr

Still there ya'll. Gosh I am so jelly of you purple ladies.

Dear Team Purple:

In case you can’t tell by the massive picture o beauty, ya’ll are still in NZ, Middle Earth, land of the Kiwi, and home of the Orcs. While I watch and sift through all these photos of where I wish I was right now, I let some ladies you know…..well, one of you knows well, take over and bring some fresh perspective and thoughts of your last epidsode of the Biggest Loser. The ladies of course, are from that one site about that one book and that one guy, you know the one.

I am entirely too exhausted from the slave driver’s at work envious of your BL “vacay” in beauty land to manage blogging another night. And really, who doesn’t love reading what these two ladies bring? We all know UC & MOON really know how to “Break it Down”. So, on with it:

Hannah jumps off a cliff

UC: First of all: full confession but I missed last week’s episode. So this is odd…. to me.. where in California do they throw you over a cliff? On a plastic chair> Is this a red-neck activity up there in northern Cali? Aren’t they supposed to be all refined & crap?

Moon: This is the new ride at Universal Studios: California’s Redneck Adventures. After they got rid of the Back to the Future ride (tragedy!!) it all went downhill. Now they give you a PBR and a trucker hat with every admission. They also moved Universal Studios to the east side of Los Angeles where I live with all the hipsters who enjoy the irony of this. Sad times.

UC: okay- wait.. newsflash UC. You know where they are…. NEW ZEALAND! I saw the pics on Olivia’s fb page

UC: Hannah looks AMAZING. I want to do that! I mean. Not at all. But kinda.

Moon: If by “do that” you mean wear spandex on national television than count me the HALE out. Snaps to the girls for rocking the ‘dex in front of God and everyone.

UC: More confession time: I usually find myself eating the worst possible meal while watching Biggest Loser. And then feeling really guilty because while Olivia only gets to eat like 1,000 calories a day, I’m chowing down on a 1,000 calorie burrito or plate of nachos.
Tonight I’m okay though- I made a homemade pizza with broccoli. It just has a little bit of cheese. So It’s all good. Until I eat half of it because Mr. choice isn’t home to stop me

Moon: THANK GOD!!! I thought I was the only one who made homemade mac n cheese or pasta and butter or nachos and settled in to watch Olivia and the gang push a truck around the ranch while Jillian RIDES one of the contestants like a show pony.

UC: [side note Nice green screen Bob. Nice everything Bob. All the time. Stupid lucky man (or men) in his life]

(Editor’s Note: This is where I insert gratuitous pics of #HotBOB, but the pics won’t stay put here. UGHHH -J)

Rulon & Olivia training with Bob:
UC: WHOA… other stuff i missed… Rulon wanted O to go home last week?? ugh UGH… blacklisted! that means nothing cuz he was never on any sort of list. but I will NEVER get teary-eyed when I hear his sad life stories ever again! NO WAY Rulon!

Moon: WHATEVER RULON!!!! I will never salute you or your Olympic Medal again or think you’re a sweet guy with wrestler/califluor ears. You are officially on notice for trying to get the (real) O off the show. JERK!

The one where they all have to row
UC: Seriously? Allison (Ali?) is in a WINTER PARKA and they have to get IN that water? What is this activity called again? Water boarding? Is this what the CIA does to terrorists? ANd Olivia has to do it?

Moon: I’m pretty sure Biggest Loser is just a government cover up for a CIA training program they’re trying to mask as a “game show” so that we all get comfortable with the contestants and would NEVER think they’re actually special ops who kick ass on the side. Allison Sweeny is the Agent M of the group and Bob is the Bosley.

UC: [SIDE NOTE: All Aboard with Bob I jumped onto NBC’s biggest loser page to read why Courtney isn’t there (SAD! Apparently I’ve missed more than 1 episode. Oops) and what do I see!? ALL ABOARD WITH BOB & this amazing image: 

Seriously? A CRUISE with BOB? Will Olivia be there to do my hair & make-up every day? I hope. ]

Moon: No, but Jillian will be there to ride you around the Lido deck. Also do you wonder if they have the midnight chocolate buffet or the all-you-can eat Mexican Fiesta night like most cruises or is it granola and egg whites while Bob teaches the proper way to comb your hair over into the perfect Don Draper bang swoop?

Okay back to the race:
UC: This race is so exciting I even put down my third piece of Pizza YAY!!!!! OLIVIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO one can send our girl home this week!!! Plus she gets a helicopter tour no one gives a crap about!

Moon: What they really want is a tour of middle earth! HELLO! Who doesn’t want to visit where the shot Lord of the Rings and imagine dancing with the Hobbits in the shire and defeating an army of Orcs (read: Rulons) for the ONE RING (aka smaller waist size).

Helicopter tour
UC: Okay. That’s pretty. Maybe it is kinda a big deal. Plus there’s the bonding time for sisters. Oh and there go the waterworks again. Damn you biggest loser. Also danngggg diamonds in Obird’s ears. Are they from Bob? I hope.

Moon: Wait, is that an army of Rulons I see down there?! KILL THEM! Or throw out a few thousand bags of chips that will handle him. ALLEGEDLY (according to the not so secret hidden camera footage).

The Weigh In
UC: I’m SOO glad O has immunity. I couldn’t handle the pressure this week. I’m a wreck enough for Hannah. I can’t handle both of them. (PS sidenote, I gasp at ALL the high & low numbers they flash up there thinking the scale will stop that high or that low. I sound like a major loser. Okay, carry on)
NINETY THREE POUNDS LOST. Dang girl. DANG!!!!!

Moon: I get really annoyed at the weigh in’s because it’s not like THAT’S an actual scale. They didn’t tote the world’s largest trucker weigh station scale out to the side of a mountain in New Zealand. They weigh them off camera. UGH. But I do love the theatrics! OMG 135!? Did someone actually lose 50 pounds in one week? Oh wait, it’s 203… no it’s 178… DANG IT JUST TELL ME!!

UC: I’m just gonna say it. And I’m gonna mean it. I HOPE RULON GOES HOME.

Moon: You mean the leader of the Orcs?

UC: UGHHHH I Spoke too soon. He lost 10 pound? GRRR

Moon: Dang it the chip drop sabotage from the helicopter didn’t work?! Foiled again!

UC: I will not speak until Hannah weighs in.

UC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… This is not her week. This is not her week. Oh there you go Olivia.. Being encouraging, making me cry. I’m officially scared for anyone who votes for Hannah to go home. Olivia might stab them in their sleep with her eyeliner pencil!!!!

Moon: If she uses the MAC pencil you KNOW she means business. That ish ain’t cheap yall! I think I see it in her hand behind her back…

UC: TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!!! If I promise to shop at Kohls & eat Wholly Guacamole, do you think Obird can get them to knock off the commercials? I’ll even take more product placement because it’s just funny watching the girls pretend they love subway sandwiches as much as they make it seem like they do.

Moon: What about the Biggest Losers prepackaged meal plan and Bob’s Quaker Oatmeal (“Quaker Oatmeal is how I start my day!” Sure Bob!) and the many appearances by host of the brand new season of NBC/Universal/Bravo’s Top Chef CURTIS STONE!? Ok, ok Curtis can stay. Cause he’s hot. I’d leg wrestle Hannah for him.

The waterworks
UC: I can’t see the keyboard so I can’t type anything right now. BRB while I go rob a tissue store. Hannah can’t go home. Can’t. CAN’T!!!!!!

Moon: Dude her and whats his name are killing me. His whole story and the secret issues and all that. WAHHH!

UC: Olivia should have been a counselor. I mean, she’s a pretty darn good singer too, but seriously- she’s such a soothing speaker & encourager.

UC: Phew. Hannah is safe. Although I feel so sad. THis show sucks. I watch TV to be entertained. Not to cry & be uplifted. Dammit BIggest Loser. Dammit.

Moon: Next week on “We’re trying our hardest to make you cry…” Someone is reunited with their biological parents, a long lost brother is found, the cure for cancer is discovered and a children’s choir sings song of peace. CAN’T WAIT!!

So, yes, the ladies have the same problem that Lula and I have every week. Too many tears to type, not enough patience to deal with Rulon, and an affinity for #HotBOB. It’s nice to know that we’re all “NORMAL”.

Loves and Hugs,

Jane, Lula, UC and MOON

PS Sometimes I steal blog concepts from these girls who write letters….they love me through it.

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“It’s Never A Hot Tub.”

19 Jan

Dear Team Purple:

A theme emerged in episode three of Biggest Loser Season 11, and that’s “Live together, die alone.”  We also met the Others for the first time.

And you know any time we can work in a reference to Lost we are totally going to do it, because Jane, Lula, and our own Olivia (Team Purple!) still lament the loss of our beloved show. You are required to love us through it.  Thank you.

Team Purple, along with the rest of the peeps training with Bob & Jillian, proved the power of teamwork, while Cara and Ben Brett were finally revealed to the audience as The New Trainers, over at the Dharma camp Red Barn.  (Dun-dun-duuuuuuun.)  I like to call them “Those people who aren’t Trainer Bob & Jillian,” because let’s face it…that’s what the rest of you are calling them, too.

For the night’s first challenge we find Sami Brady nicely bundled & prepared for the rain, whereas Team Purple seems to be standing in it, sans umbrella.  OK, that’s just rude.  NBC, let’s find color-coordinated umbrellas for our Biggest Losers, shall we?   And then we have black vans, a bunch of smack talking (are we loving Courtney from the Aqua team?  We are.), the balancing of eggs on frying pans clearly purchased from Big Lots, and the winning of a prize:  lunch cooked by some dude named Curtis Stone.  Since I’m a Biggest Loser newbie the name Curtis Stone means nothing to me but Team Purple’s Hannah tells all of America, “God carved him from cream cheese.”  Fat-free cream cheese, right?  I mean, this is The Biggest Loser.

Team Aqua wins the challenge (yay, Marcy!), while The Others give it to Deni (Team Pink), which is nice of them.  I’m saddened for Team Purple, but then Trainer Bob’s Turbo Tax commercial comes on & I fire my CPA on the spot.

Meanwhile back at the Ranch (OK, y’all…cut me some slack!  It only took me 3 posts to use that phrase) we see Team Purple working it out like nobody’s business.  And because they’re so hard-working and beautiful Trainer Bob is all, “Let’s go outside to talk.”  Clearly Hannah & Olivia are Bob’s favorites and none of us are surprised by this news.

Then…I get on my knees for Bob Harper and love him more than I ever imagined possible because he is so unbelievably good to our girls.  Hannah & Olivia take turns sharing their stories with Bob (Olivia’s was not shown on air–but we have it here for you!) and as we cried along with them, Bob encouraged Team Purple to “find out what your new dreams are…it’s time to make a dream come true!“‘

Dream ladies, Dream!

The Biggest Loser – Ep 1103: Week 3 – Purple’s Worry – Video – NBC.com.

BOB FOR KING OF THE UNIVERSE.  Pass me a Kleenex, will you?

Marcy and Deni meet Curtis Stone and he cooks for them.  He also prepares the ladies a delicious, healthy lunch.  Also, Curtis Stone is not carved of fat-free cream cheese.  I said that before seeing him. Curtis Stone is full-fat Philadelphia cream cheese.

There’s also a challenge taking place while Curtis cooks but I couldn’t keep up with that.  I mean…Curtis Stone is Australian and has surfer hair and he made pan-seared halibut and I’m all, “WHY HAVE I NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW UNTIL THIS YEAR?”  Congrats to Marcy for winning a two pound advantage at the next weigh-in.  And for getting to hug Chef Stone.  Was the made of stone, Marcy?  ‘Cause you know I’m going to ask it of you.

We find our Biggest Losers facing yet another challenge and Team Purple provides, as per usual, the soundbite of the night:  Hannah sees the row of big basins and hopes for a hot tub.   Who wouldn’t?  But Olivia, the voice of reason, reminds her, “It’s never a hot tub.”  This is logic that can be applied to life at many junctures, of course.  Y’all…sometimes it’s just never a hot tub.

The challenge commences and Hannah deems it, “Straight up Little House on the Prairie-style.”  Does this mean Jillian is Nellie Oleson?  Because Bob is totally Almanzo.  Sigh…”Manly.”

That's Hot!

Team Purple and Aqua work well together.  Heck, they’re all working well together.  Dr. Jack Shepherd was right:  live together, die alone.   Another challenge completed.  And then there’s predictable drama in the house (Jillian is OVER it and so are we…I’m sure Team Purple is over it, too!) and we move on to the last chance workout.  In which Jillian proceeds to literally walk all over Olivia and Hannah.  In this context I am OK with it.  Walk all over Team Purple, Jillian.  DO IT.

And then it’s weigh-in time and you lovely purple people, lose the same as you did last time, a whopping 6 lbs! Again also, the purple ladies lose the same exact amount, which is a bit insane. As Bob says, “Those sisters are insync!” However, they’re not the only ones who are insync. Some people brought their excessive drama to the weigh in–Team Purple brought their excessive awesome, as evidenced by their consistent shedding of pounds & their always positive attitudes.

The second elimination round goes by and there are no surprises. Those go, who wanted to go. Most importantly, the purple, “insync” sisters made it through another round and WE ALL REJOICE!