Tag Archives: I still love UC and Moon

Sometimes Normal People Break Stuff Down, Cause it’s FUNNY

19 Apr

Still there ya'll. Gosh I am so jelly of you purple ladies.

Dear Team Purple:

In case you can’t tell by the massive picture o beauty, ya’ll are still in NZ, Middle Earth, land of the Kiwi, and home of the Orcs. While I watch and sift through all these photos of where I wish I was right now, I let some ladies you know…..well, one of you knows well, take over and bring some fresh perspective and thoughts of your last epidsode of the Biggest Loser. The ladies of course, are from that one site about that one book and that one guy, you know the one.

I am entirely too exhausted from the slave driver’s at work envious of your BL “vacay” in beauty land to manage blogging another night. And really, who doesn’t love reading what these two ladies bring? We all know UC & MOON really know how to “Break it Down”. So, on with it:

Hannah jumps off a cliff

UC: First of all: full confession but I missed last week’s episode. So this is odd…. to me.. where in California do they throw you over a cliff? On a plastic chair> Is this a red-neck activity up there in northern Cali? Aren’t they supposed to be all refined & crap?

Moon: This is the new ride at Universal Studios: California’s Redneck Adventures. After they got rid of the Back to the Future ride (tragedy!!) it all went downhill. Now they give you a PBR and a trucker hat with every admission. They also moved Universal Studios to the east side of Los Angeles where I live with all the hipsters who enjoy the irony of this. Sad times.

UC: okay- wait.. newsflash UC. You know where they are…. NEW ZEALAND! I saw the pics on Olivia’s fb page

UC: Hannah looks AMAZING. I want to do that! I mean. Not at all. But kinda.

Moon: If by “do that” you mean wear spandex on national television than count me the HALE out. Snaps to the girls for rocking the ‘dex in front of God and everyone.

UC: More confession time: I usually find myself eating the worst possible meal while watching Biggest Loser. And then feeling really guilty because while Olivia only gets to eat like 1,000 calories a day, I’m chowing down on a 1,000 calorie burrito or plate of nachos.
Tonight I’m okay though- I made a homemade pizza with broccoli. It just has a little bit of cheese. So It’s all good. Until I eat half of it because Mr. choice isn’t home to stop me

Moon: THANK GOD!!! I thought I was the only one who made homemade mac n cheese or pasta and butter or nachos and settled in to watch Olivia and the gang push a truck around the ranch while Jillian RIDES one of the contestants like a show pony.

UC: [side note Nice green screen Bob. Nice everything Bob. All the time. Stupid lucky man (or men) in his life]

(Editor’s Note: This is where I insert gratuitous pics of #HotBOB, but the pics won’t stay put here. UGHHH -J)

Rulon & Olivia training with Bob:
UC: WHOA… other stuff i missed… Rulon wanted O to go home last week?? ugh UGH… blacklisted! that means nothing cuz he was never on any sort of list. but I will NEVER get teary-eyed when I hear his sad life stories ever again! NO WAY Rulon!

Moon: WHATEVER RULON!!!! I will never salute you or your Olympic Medal again or think you’re a sweet guy with wrestler/califluor ears. You are officially on notice for trying to get the (real) O off the show. JERK!

The one where they all have to row
UC: Seriously? Allison (Ali?) is in a WINTER PARKA and they have to get IN that water? What is this activity called again? Water boarding? Is this what the CIA does to terrorists? ANd Olivia has to do it?

Moon: I’m pretty sure Biggest Loser is just a government cover up for a CIA training program they’re trying to mask as a “game show” so that we all get comfortable with the contestants and would NEVER think they’re actually special ops who kick ass on the side. Allison Sweeny is the Agent M of the group and Bob is the Bosley.

UC: [SIDE NOTE: All Aboard with Bob I jumped onto NBC’s biggest loser page to read why Courtney isn’t there (SAD! Apparently I’ve missed more than 1 episode. Oops) and what do I see!? ALL ABOARD WITH BOB & this amazing image: 

Seriously? A CRUISE with BOB? Will Olivia be there to do my hair & make-up every day? I hope. ]

Moon: No, but Jillian will be there to ride you around the Lido deck. Also do you wonder if they have the midnight chocolate buffet or the all-you-can eat Mexican Fiesta night like most cruises or is it granola and egg whites while Bob teaches the proper way to comb your hair over into the perfect Don Draper bang swoop?

Okay back to the race:
UC: This race is so exciting I even put down my third piece of Pizza YAY!!!!! OLIVIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO one can send our girl home this week!!! Plus she gets a helicopter tour no one gives a crap about!

Moon: What they really want is a tour of middle earth! HELLO! Who doesn’t want to visit where the shot Lord of the Rings and imagine dancing with the Hobbits in the shire and defeating an army of Orcs (read: Rulons) for the ONE RING (aka smaller waist size).

Helicopter tour
UC: Okay. That’s pretty. Maybe it is kinda a big deal. Plus there’s the bonding time for sisters. Oh and there go the waterworks again. Damn you biggest loser. Also danngggg diamonds in Obird’s ears. Are they from Bob? I hope.

Moon: Wait, is that an army of Rulons I see down there?! KILL THEM! Or throw out a few thousand bags of chips that will handle him. ALLEGEDLY (according to the not so secret hidden camera footage).

The Weigh In
UC: I’m SOO glad O has immunity. I couldn’t handle the pressure this week. I’m a wreck enough for Hannah. I can’t handle both of them. (PS sidenote, I gasp at ALL the high & low numbers they flash up there thinking the scale will stop that high or that low. I sound like a major loser. Okay, carry on)
NINETY THREE POUNDS LOST. Dang girl. DANG!!!!!

Moon: I get really annoyed at the weigh in’s because it’s not like THAT’S an actual scale. They didn’t tote the world’s largest trucker weigh station scale out to the side of a mountain in New Zealand. They weigh them off camera. UGH. But I do love the theatrics! OMG 135!? Did someone actually lose 50 pounds in one week? Oh wait, it’s 203… no it’s 178… DANG IT JUST TELL ME!!

UC: I’m just gonna say it. And I’m gonna mean it. I HOPE RULON GOES HOME.

Moon: You mean the leader of the Orcs?

UC: UGHHHH I Spoke too soon. He lost 10 pound? GRRR

Moon: Dang it the chip drop sabotage from the helicopter didn’t work?! Foiled again!

UC: I will not speak until Hannah weighs in.

UC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… This is not her week. This is not her week. Oh there you go Olivia.. Being encouraging, making me cry. I’m officially scared for anyone who votes for Hannah to go home. Olivia might stab them in their sleep with her eyeliner pencil!!!!

Moon: If she uses the MAC pencil you KNOW she means business. That ish ain’t cheap yall! I think I see it in her hand behind her back…

UC: TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!!! If I promise to shop at Kohls & eat Wholly Guacamole, do you think Obird can get them to knock off the commercials? I’ll even take more product placement because it’s just funny watching the girls pretend they love subway sandwiches as much as they make it seem like they do.

Moon: What about the Biggest Losers prepackaged meal plan and Bob’s Quaker Oatmeal (“Quaker Oatmeal is how I start my day!” Sure Bob!) and the many appearances by host of the brand new season of NBC/Universal/Bravo’s Top Chef CURTIS STONE!? Ok, ok Curtis can stay. Cause he’s hot. I’d leg wrestle Hannah for him.

The waterworks
UC: I can’t see the keyboard so I can’t type anything right now. BRB while I go rob a tissue store. Hannah can’t go home. Can’t. CAN’T!!!!!!

Moon: Dude her and whats his name are killing me. His whole story and the secret issues and all that. WAHHH!

UC: Olivia should have been a counselor. I mean, she’s a pretty darn good singer too, but seriously- she’s such a soothing speaker & encourager.

UC: Phew. Hannah is safe. Although I feel so sad. THis show sucks. I watch TV to be entertained. Not to cry & be uplifted. Dammit BIggest Loser. Dammit.

Moon: Next week on “We’re trying our hardest to make you cry…” Someone is reunited with their biological parents, a long lost brother is found, the cure for cancer is discovered and a children’s choir sings song of peace. CAN’T WAIT!!

So, yes, the ladies have the same problem that Lula and I have every week. Too many tears to type, not enough patience to deal with Rulon, and an affinity for #HotBOB. It’s nice to know that we’re all “NORMAL”.

Loves and Hugs,

Jane, Lula, UC and MOON

PS Sometimes I steal blog concepts from these girls who write letters….they love me through it.

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The One Where We See Hannah Pray on TV, We Lose Justin and He Calls Us Out

22 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

We really enjoyed our last LIVE Blogging experience. We thought you did too! In fact, expect to see more LIVE Blogging in the future. Please, love us through it. AND GO…………

Lula is online.

Jane: myello

Sent at 7:58 PM on Tuesday

Lula: PURPLE, YO

i am here

Jane: And Olivia starts us out with some “pot stirring”

What on earth?

Lula: she should stir the pot–she’s the CHEF

Olivia now has on a Lab Coat and is Blond. Don't ask.

Jane:  4 Teams???

Oh duh! That is right. I didn’t like the other way that could have gone re: stiring the pot. Thanks for your guidance always Lula

Ohh Hannah Banana…..Love you babe

Lula:  I am nervous.

Jane:  This must be so hard for them….I mean how do you pick away from your friends

Lula:  wait–are we live blogging here–I just wanna be clear

Jane:  duhhhh 

Nervous like whoah…PS is that how you spell whoah?

Lula: whoa

Jane:  Thanks! Listen I WILL BE WITH BOB for whatever!

I mean whatever

Lula:  “Bob is Tongan.” No, BOB IS HOT.

Jane:  What are they calling him Tongen? I need to look that one up and I was an Anthropology minor in College. Oh Irene, Lucky Duck

Lula:  Tongan. Something about Hawaiians or something. We should Google that before we embarrass ourselves.

Jane:  OLIVIA!!!

Lula:  And JILLIAN is gonna beat the SHIT out of Rulon. Like we always knew she would.

Jane:  Don’t say Shizz

Lula:  Of course Olivia is with HER PEOPLE, aka Bob.

Sorry. Shiz.

Jane:  Olivia and Hannah make me teary…….what is new

Lula:  ‘Member that time Olivia wrote me from the Ranch and was all, “Bob is our people?” He is so our people.

Jane:  Thank goodness she gets Jillian! “I will be coming to you shortly”

Lula:  And then Hannah prays on TV and we love her forever. She is COMING HOME, Lordy.

Jane:  Oh Courtney. I love you. I wish you had Jill with Hannah

Dramatic musak

Lula:  This musak is LAME.com <http://LAME.com>

Jane:  YES

Lula:  COOOOOL. Jillian is down.

Jane:  Hannah is with Rulon and I don’t know how I feel. I like that she is with Jill–ian but, not sure about the Rulon bizzness.

Lula:  is Jen on Bret’s team? she is, right?

Jane:  YES. It’s gonna get real

I love that tweet that Hannah just responded to us. Awesome. YEAHHH Daddy Jay or Arthur

Lula:  I feel that Roulon is not Hannah’s people. I wrote back to Hannah just now. Win.

Jane:  I may or may not agree with that….but we shall see. Oh I love Bob waying in.

I mean opinion wise.  Hannah is the biggest angel. DO that right thing. Bless it!

Lula:  DUH. It’s Jay.

also–how hard are we gonna cry when Jillian peaces out at the end of this season?

HARD, that’s how.

Jane:  WORD Jillian gave it away on FB. Silly Jillian

Lula:  But we love her. Even though she showed Jay on FB. With the lobster. OR crab. whatever that thing was.

Jane:  Oh I love her. I hope I get to see Jillian in real life one day…ahem

CRUNCH!  Where is Brody Jenner?  (NOTE: I have a Brody Jenner problem, but I am #TEAMBROVIL)

Look at that girl GO!!

Lula:  BWAHAHAHA. he is with Avril Lavigne.

Jane:  He is! I am team #Brovil

Poor Moses, I feel for him. He is struggling but he is going to get a work out

The cheering is GREAT!

Lula:  They are calling for him like that red sea is gonna part.

Jane:  They ARE! And I would be crying if I was in that class right now…And I don’t cry

Also crying because we could see Olivia.

Lula:  You will cry. At the end of all this, you will SOB YOUR HEAD OFF.

Even the Crunch Hand is Team Purple

Jane:  I wish I could go to CRUNCH this week. Also, just to see BOB. That spinning looks fab fun, but hard

Lula:  I would spin my life away just to see him. yeah, I said it.

Jane:  Look at how HOT Hannah is!!

Lula:  Look, Jillian’s beach house.

Jane:  BEACH house is NICE

Lula: SCARLETT O’HANNAH!

Jane: OK so Beks is calling me. STOP CALLING ME BEKS!

The Purple Team Show is on

Lula:  She is crazy. Hannah is all ARE YOU ON CRACK?

I heart her.

Jane:  I know CRACK. CRACK KILLS. They still have those ugly water bottles.

Lula:  FUGLY water bottles.

Jane:  Gosh I hope they have sunscreen on

Lula:  At this point, even black would rock.

Jane:  Pale gurls worry

Lula:  And bless you–SUNSCREEN. Mama Jane.

Jane:  LORD Have mercy!  I told you CRACK KILLS. This is making me feel uncomfortable

Lula:  CRACK KILLS.

Jane:  He is throwing and pulling those girls around

Lula:  and he’s all, “Jillian is riding me.” Lawsy, what a TWSS.

Jane:  How awesome it is to run on MALIBU! NOW maybe she will actually see Brody Jenner!!

Hannah, Did you see this man while running in Malibu?

Again, NOTE – I may be obsessed with Brody Jenner, in a jokesy kind of way….but why not?

I love Jillian’s glasses

Lula:  I’m obsessed with Jason Statham. And Alexander Skarsgard. WHY NOT?

Jane:  I am kind of ignoring his heart to heart

Lula:  ‘Member that time Olivia signed her email “Olivia Skarsgard Northman” and we died and loved her longtime?

Jane:  It’s about Worthiness….good message. OH my gosh, I forgot about that OSN sign off

Lula:  I am also ignoring it and walking down memory lane. Because Olivia + HotAlex > than Roulon’s pep talk.

Jane:  You know indeed. Did they lose Hannah? 

Lula:  Hannah was all, “Peace out–gotta get my run on while y’all are being all Hallmark Gold Crown Store.”

Jane:  Totally, she was like, I am gonna find me a hot malibu surfer guy. See ya’ll!

I wish the camera went with Hannah…..No BOB, Jill, Hannah, or Olivia

What do we do now?

Lula:  I’m gonna drink some wine. To be honest.

Jane:  I love that Courtney is happy to be outside

Lula:  it’s antioxidants and good for your cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.

(NOTE – for some reason I ignore that Lula is getting her drink on)

Jane:  Are they meditating? This is ummmmmmmmmmmmm interesting

Lula:  IT IS GOD’s NATURE, LAME-O.

Sigh. Go hug a tree, Brett. #I’mMean

Jane:  She is always so positive. Bless Courtney and she lost her mom last week!

Jen is so beautiful

Lula:  Jen is looking AWESOME. All the girls this season are really beautiful.

And then there's Justin

Jane:  And then there’s Justin

Lula:  And I’m not gonna say, “They have pretty faces.” NO THEY ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, ALL OVER.

OMS, “And then there’s Justin.” YEEEEEEE-HAW. Justin. Bless him.

Jane:  They are, I agree. Esp their attitudes.

Lula: (I love you, Janet.) YOU MADE HIM CRY! You done made Justin cry, Jane Trigs.

Jane:  I am special! I wonder how much his facial hair ways…weighs

Lula:  MEAN. But…good point. Also, Brett has chin pubes. He needs to stop with that.

Jane:  More realistic then mean. 🙂

Lula:  NO. NO group hug.

Jane:  Are we advertising now? No Jillian

Lula:  Oh, dear. Commercial. ROULON is talking about being warm inside. I CANNOT SPEAK OF THIS.

Jane:  Well at least she seemed natural. I ignored it.

Continue reading

Sometimes your friends are big ole losers, I mean for real

18 Jan

Dear Team Purple:

Remember how last week we had everything posted, before the day that Biggest Loser aired, and we shared with you our initial thoughts of our first true biggest loser watching experience? We discussed Bob’s hotness, posted pics of him shirtless and decided that the BL would be our LOST replacement. Well this week, both Jane and Lula, got behind on our snarky recap of the biggest loser season eleven and the epicness of the awesome Team Purple commentary. Hence, we’re both Losers, but not in the cool Team Purple sort of way. We’re losers cause we failed to blog earlier.

If you’re looking for an awesome and fun recap of the show last week, I found this great recap, on PhillyBurbs.com, which includes clever little bloggy awards for some of the teams and individual contestants. Not only does the author Jen Wielgus, have one of the first pics in the post contain Hannah from Team Purple, but the post also bequests the “Abbott and Costello Award” to Team Purple due to their comedic quips. Bless it.

Despite the fact that we are bloggy fail and big losers (of the wrong kind), in this week’s letter we decided to let you know what the Team Purple Team (does that even make sense?) was up to all week, while they weren’t writing your letter.

1)    The @DearTeamPurple Twitter made friends with folks while the show aired (holla @FitBottomedGirl & @theBLblog!)

2)  A Mr. Bob Haper tweeted to the @DearTeamPurple . Yes, yes he did!

  3) We got all excited when this blog got a comment from Mama Curlee, herself.

  4)  Jane recovered from a massive sinus infection that had her looking like a zombie.

I may not have looked this bad, but I felt this bad.

 5) We missed you bunches and bunches.

6) We had a weekly chat where Jane used the MyFitnessPal app on her Droid Phone, to scan a vodka UPC label in order to count all her calories. (PS it worked).

7)  We watched the Golden Globes where we all agreed you and #HotBob should have been in attendance and this boy, called Ron was there too.

8)  Jane lost 3 lbs this week! Cause there’s nothing like an illness to keep you on track with your dieting.

9)  We remembered to blog before the next show aired! #GOUS

As you can see we weren’t just sitting around staring at the wall all week. We did do some stuff. Who are we kidding? We’re BIG LAME LOSERS!

Trying To Be Less Big Losers this Week,                                                                                           Lula and Jane