“I Am Gonna Puke In This Place!”

Dear Team Purple:

How do you start a blog about a Team on a Show that is called the Biggest Loser? Having plenty of experience LIVE and other Blogging about LOST over the last couple of seasons, we inevitably realized that we clearly could not LIVE blog to the Biggest Loser, not just because it’s not LOST (bless LOST), but also because one cannot type while watching a dear friend and her sister who are on the Biggest Loser. Why you might ask? Well tears and typing don’t mix, Dammit. Why is this show so filled with tears? Oh right, it’s the life changing goings on, but WOW.

Having not seen much of The Biggest Loser we had no clue what to expect, other than folks busting boo-tay to lose weight.  We knew we’d cry, because our friend would be opening her heart and sharing her life, weighing on a ginormous scale while wearing bike shorts and a sports bra, and being pushed to extreme limits by two of the most famous trainers on the planet, all in front of millions of people.  She’d cry, we’d cry, Sami Brady would be crying, and you’d well up with tears.  Admit it.

But we also knew we’d all laugh, because my girl, Olivia Ward, and her sister, Hannah Curlee, would be bringing their southern sass into the homes of America, and what the world needs now is more southern sass.  Amen.

Watching the first episode of this new Season brought forth many feelings, tears, thoughts and of course, observations. However, clearly the world needs observations from a Biggest Loser Newbie to revel in, just as the show is starting its 11th Season. Lula is  just the person to share those with you:

*Bob Harper is H-O-T.  I mean, please.  Why have y’all been holding out on me?  Olivia and Janet and I have spent far too many hours discussing our love of a particular Swede but I’m now adding the trainer from Tennessee to our collective Freebie Five.  For real.

Hey there, I'm just a HOT guy you didn't know about.

*Someone needs to get me the brand & shade of Jillian’s lip gloss, as it is fabulous.  And by “someone,” I clearly mean Olivia, as she is the Make-Up Goddess.

*The Brita water bottles used by the contestants for rehydration are straight up hideous.  Can Brita not provide bottles which match each team’s prospective color?  (Purple, REPRESENT!)  If not, may I politely suggest to NBC that this might be a job for the nice people at PUR?  Is all I’m saying.

*When Olivia spoke of “going to the Ranch,” I pictured her working out at this industrial-type gym in the middle of a barren desert, surrounded by tumbleweeds, cactus, bales of hay, and maybe a few horses.  Imagine my surprise to learn that “the Ranch” is decorated with wrought-iron light fixtures, flowers and topiary trees.  It essentially looks like a resort.  This “Ranch” is awesome.

*Alison Sweeney is pretty in pink, and it might be unprofessional and fangirly of me to refer to her as “Sami Brady.”  But as Alice Horton as my witness, she will always be Samantha Brady to me.   (OH MY STARS, Team Purple has met Sami Brady!  And so our the days of your lives.)

What I learned from my first two hours of The Biggest Loser:

*Jillian is badass.  She is also not a woman who gives a sh*t.  This is a lesson we will all do well to remember.

*Bob is badass.  He is also tenderhearted.  Who didn’t appreciate his walk with Arthur?  Bob is training our friend, y’all!  That’s just awesome right there.

*Jillian would be an awesome Quidditch beater.  For Gryffindor, of course.

*Hands down, the best one-liners of the episode came from Team Purple.  No surprise there!  Let’s review some of their gems, shall we?

–“I thought this was Biggest Loser,” says Hannah.  “But apparently this is pick your own trainer–who’s behind door #2?” scoffs Olivia.

–“Really?  You’re gonna give up Bob & Jillian?” Olivia is incredulous.  So were we.  And we get it. Four weeks of immunity is an awesome gift.  But so is looking at Bob and Jillian for even just 1 week.  Wait, I said looking.   Of course I mean training.  Ahem.

–“Somebody lost a kindergartner!” “A kindergartner and a bulldog!”  Hannah & Olivia, upon learning that someone who was trained by the “unknown trainers” lost 41 pounds.

As the episode ended and we knew that both Olivia and Hannah were safely ensconced at the Ranch for another week, we agreed with Olivia’s assessment of their weight loss (16 pounds apiece):  “That is not shabby!”  Yes, that is not shabby at all!  Though neither of us have watched this show much before, clearly it will be our weekly Tuesday date  and of course we’ll use this show as our LOST replacement cheer for you to be above the yellow line.

 Our friend and her sister pushed a Chevy truck around a ranch in California.  What did you do this week?  

Outside Pushing Our Cars Down The Street,
Lula & Jane