Tag Archives: What show is this?

HOP Movie Tie-In and Massages, Really?

29 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

Well, it’s obvious there is a theme going now….And now, more LIVE BLOGGING with Jane and Lula:

Lula is offline.

Jane:  Here we are!

Alrighty speak…let me here it

Is it bad that I am already bored?

We are all still one

I love Olivia’s talk about Sami

Lula: PURPLE, YO

Jane:  YEAH!! Olivia on my bday you found out that you were gonna be on the show, I remember.

Lula:  I was in Vegas!!!!

And she called and said, “I’M GOING TO THE BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!”

Jane:  My Bday

Lula:  It was your bday! ‘Member–I couldn’t come party cause of Vegas & O was headed to the Ranch. SADNESS.

I’m crying.

Jane:  These vids are awesome!

STOP CRYING not already

SHANANIGANS!

Yeeeahhh I ❤ shananigans

Jane:  How crazy that they are bringing in these people. CRAZY TIMES and the musak

Crazy

Lula:  The musak is DUMB.

Jane:  That one boy, Vance is a cutie

Lula:  And look how cute Olivia is.

OF COURSE HER NAME IS LEIGH ANNE.

She probably spells it wrong.

Jane: Hehehe But O is always cute

Awwwww wrong LA is a mama and so sweet

Lula:  Sami Brady is saying MY name.

Jane: You lucky duck. I want to be said on the BL

Maybe I can meet her one day and she’ll say my name.

I dig Vance’s deep voice

I wonder if they got trainers too.

Lula:  Let’s make it our life goal to get Sami Brady to say AUNT JANICE!

Jane:  Hey I lost almost 30lbs in 3 months

27lbs now

Court is such a flirt

I love it! Confidence

Lula:  You rock, Jane:. I’m so proud of you.

Jane: “Journeys”

Thanks babe!

Wowzer 45lbs is amazing

So this is the part where Sami makes Kaylee feel guilty

Lula:  We are CRACKING UP at you, Jane:–me and Heather.

And I am proud of Vance & Leann. They are losing weight at a “real life pace.”

Jane:  Yes, Real Life pace is hard like crazy

4 teams, ya’ll

Sami loves metaphor based challenges

Also they love challenges that cause everyone to have to say “Balls” the whole time. Yug

Week Off campus. Pooopers

How many challenges are we having this week?

Don’t leave the ranch O!

Olivia is amazing at this, Go girl

(I just typed a lot of nonsense – Jane)

Lula:  Balls.

Jane: Exactly

But notice Sami calls them “Points”

Lula:  I am DYINg at how small Courtney and Olivia and Hannah are.

Jane: OK, now I am bored, although it is nice seeing the skinny minis

JINX

10 balls…..

GO O!!! GO BLUE

Lula:  BALLS.

Blue Balls.

Jane:  Hahaha

Lula:  (Heheheh.)

(this is where we turned 10 years-old)

Jane:  YAYYY!! Not last.

Go Green

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm this is crapola. Where will Brett take them?

Awww they are going to do EASTER! I love EASTER

Back from commercial

Massage?

The Menu is crazy

AHHHH STRA TEE JURY

Lula:  THIS IS DUMB.

A massage? NO.

NO NO NO.

Jane:  Hahaha

Lula:  I mean, we all want a massage, but they are not out there for some pampering.

Jane:  This is silly, but I want to see how it plays out

Gym Memberships!

WHAAAA?? An hour to call people?

Luxery crap is silly.

They are excluding Brett cause who needs Rope Juggling?

Lula:  I just tweeted that. HELL NO. Heather and I are bothered.

Jane:  Rope Juggling can be done easily done without a trainer, duhhh

That was a silly sentence. GET YOUR CONFIDENCE COURT

Courtney should call Ben for confidence!

Lula:  They’re showing this FOR A REASON, Jane:. The shiz is gonna hit the fan. You wait.

Jane:  Yes, seriously

Lula:  Um….THEY BROUGHT THIS ON THEMSELVES.

Jane: Totally on themselves..even Brett says this is bad. Where is Jill? She would kick their ASS

Ohh I call Jillian Jill now, in honor of my mother

Court call BEN!

BEN breaks walls

  Continue reading

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Sometimes, even if you’re a month behind, you let someone else blog for you

1 Mar

Dear Team Purple:

Jane – I must confess, I’ve called out for back up. I am still catching up with the past posts and still enjoying every minute of re-watching your show. But sometimes, you gotta call in the pinch hitter. Hence, Ms. (@_Freya, Meya) is taking over this evening and making my posting of tonight’s/last night’s show appear on time. #GOHER

 The Biggest Loser Episode 9

 A.K.A. The Importance of Family

A.K.A. Two Hours of Straight Crying

A.K.A. My Friend Olivia is HOT and I Want To Squeeze the HECK Out of Her

A.K.A. Find Me Someone Who is NOT Inspired by Hannah

A.K.A. Oliva + Ben = 4Ever

A.K.A Austin’s Friends are A-Holes

 The subtitles never end with this one.  I’ve been waiting for this episode forever.  If you didn’t figure out the fact that these episodes were filmed months ago, then you haven’t watched enough reality TV.  So I knew that the Biggest Loser contestants were home for two weeks around Christmas.  I even got to chat with my girl Olivia online while she was at home, but I know she spent those two weeks spinning her ASS off.  So it was good to see this episode.

When this episode began, I was finishing up watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Oh, yes, I went there.  That’s why I have the DVR.  So my first question about this episode is why my DVR still has a picture of Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s aunt as the host of the show instead of the gorgeous Ali Sweeney?  That’s just not right.

Of course, Ali Sweeney is bringing the “I’m bringing the PAIN” look at the beginning of the show.  But instead of the usual “You’re going to be set loose in a raging river of chocolate being chased by piranhas and you need to swim a mile in under 10 minutes” she has GOOD NEWS!  All the contestants are going home for two whole weeks! 

Do we like the new Biggest Loser uniforms?

But then she drops the hammer—this isn’t a holiday, y’all.  This is just your training ground for competing in a 5K when you get back!  Have fun!

 Olivia has some trepidation about her relationships.  She knows that she’s made some big changes in her life, and wants to be supported and understood in all of her relationships.  Pssh, girl, I could have told you you’ve got everyone on your side!  No worries!

Then we get to see how great they look out of their sports bras and bike shorts and in real clothes instead!  Mini-makeovers for everyone!  Might I just say, first of all, Olivia is a HOT PIECE, and her hair looks fantastic.  And Hannah is looking particularly hourglassy with some fab legs. 

Every family and friend reunion is special, but of course Hannah and Olivia’s are the best.  Their daddy makes me smile, a LOT.  He says it’s like seeing a new Hannah.  Everybody looks absolutely gobsmacked at Hannah’s hot new bod.

In between the sisters’ homecomings, I was especially touched by Arthur’s homecoming.  He’s at his daughter’s school for his big reveal, and he tells about being afraid to take his daughter to school, not wanting to embarrass her.  And his daughter held her head high, held his hand, and took him right into her school because she loves him.  You can tell that he’s working hard to give her so many reasons to be proud.

Cut back to Olivia.  If one thing is agreed among our friends, it is that she and Ben make marriage look GOOD.  You can tell that they only have eyes for each other from the moment she walks in the room.  And they are a sight for each other!  Ben has lost 57 lbs since Olivia left for the Ranch.  Of course my favorite bit is where Obird asks how much he’s lost, and he replies 57, and she crows “I lost 59!  HA!”  That’s my girl.

Yes, I found a pic of a girl in purple beating a boy at wrestling. #winner

More families loving on their Big Losers, then on to the commercials.  As I fast-forward my DVR, I wonder: Why on earth is there a commercial for the Next Greatest Restaurant during the Biggest Loser?  It just seems wrong to be talking about “grilled cheese for grown-ups” during a weight-loss show.

Courtney’s back at the DQ after the commercials, and is making the right choices.  Arthur and Jesse have a heart-to-heart about the emotional roots of Arthur’s gain. 

I’d like to diverge from the all-important topic of the Purps to talk about what major d-bags Austin’s friends are.  Austin’s lost almost 100 lbs.  He’s a pale as a fish’s belly, true, but a good guy, overall.  His D & D buddies (I’m just assuming here) have all come out for a bowling party for his 21st birthday!  Happy birthday, buddy!  Here, here are cheese fries and cheesecake!  Umm…a-holes.  They all stand around gawping at him, almost daring him to take a bite.  Offering him the first slice.  Tempting him.  How very supportive, friends!  It almost has Austin believing that “I deserve a rest, don’t I?”  It’s like a drug addict going back to his dealers for a party.  One of his friends kind of mutters (after Austin holds strong & doesn’t eat the food) “I feel bad.”  Yeah, you should, dickweed.

Moving on…and back to Astoria!  Holla, Queens!  Olivia takes the massive journey from her home neighborhood to Central Park for a little run with Ben.  He’s always been a runner, and now she can join him!  And I softly “squeeeeee” a little inside at their cuteness.

Kaylee continues to make me think that she’s totally ready to go home.  She’s turning into a slip of a girl, and her take-charge attitude working out her family shows that she’s learned a lot.

Hannah was all over that court and in black. See Picture above.

Back in Nashy with Hannah, she faces the gym with her parents—specifically the volleyball court.  After her sports-career ending injury, this is a challenge for her.  She’s not getting into the groove very easily, and her doubts seem to be building up.  Fortunately, some positive self-talk helps her out.  She says “Give yourself a little credit, Hannah.  Who cares if people are watching?  Who cares if I mess up?”  And once again she’s taking my heart by storm.  I love that attitude!  She gets her v-ball sass back, and even practices with her dad.  Her relationship with her dad made me bawl again, as she says “It’s my favorite thing in the whole world when my dad is proud of me.”  Yay, Daddy Curlee!  We heart you.

Time to go back to the Ranch!  They know about the 5k, but the stakes are news—it’s the same as their very first challenge—choose your trainers again!  My first reaction is in all caps—THEY (Purple Team) HAVE TO STAY WITH BOB AND JILLIAN!  I begin to panic a little.  I know that working with Bob and Jillian has been key to their success so far, and they love those trainers with all their heart.  So now I’m really rooting for them to be in the first seven finishers—those who decide their own fate.

We get a quick “Fitness Tip” with Bret and Kara.  They make “taco muffins”.  It reminds me again why I love Bob and Jillian.  Kara looks like she’s going to vom up the taco muffin even as she says “so good!”

Justin and Rulon are dominating again.   First to 1k, first to 2k.  These are manual treadmills, and they kick people’s butts pretty fast.  Sarah is dilly-dallying on the treadmill, because she’s decided she doesn’t want to choose.  She wants to leave her fate up to…well, fate.  She’s worked with all of the trainers, and feels like she could be with either team.

Lots of gratuitous steaming and sweating shots.  Like, I felt I might need to towel down just from watching.  Justin and Rulon finish first and second, then Kaylee in third, Jen in fourth, Austin in fifth, Marcie in sixth, and I SCREAMED when Olivia came in seventh (with the last position of control!).  Hannah was close on her heels with eighth place. 

The last place battle was the worst to watch.  Arthur was working as hard as he could.  He was pushing so hard.  Sarah suddenly decides to care, and puts on the power, just edging out Arthur.  He almost doesn’t finish, but his whole team pushes him to not be a quitter.  Which is why I love team Black.

Can we talk about the weigh-in?  About the fact that Bob and Jillian are both in LEATHUH?  Like a couple of extras from Grease?  Loving it.  They are so badass.  And Bob in the skinny tie—I die.

Bob and Jillian's next roles on NBC reality TV, GREASE LIVE!

The trainer choices are pretty predictable—until Jen comes out.  Jen jumps ship from Bret and Kara to get Bob and Jillian back.  Smart choice.  Then Hannah comes out with a SHOCKER—she wants to train with Bret and Kara!  Bob and Jillian look like they just got slapped in the face.  But of course, it’s a fake-out—Hannah has her black sports bra on and isn’t going anywhere.  Jillian’s reaction is classic: “I’m going to punch you out!  Get in line!  Not funny!”  Oh, but it was, Jillian.  It was HILARIOUS.  Score one for Hannah!

 Sarah is the deciding factor—if she chooses Black, Arthur will go to Red team, where he has no alliances.  Biggest Loser pulls its usual cockblocking junk, and leaves us on a cliffhanger.  Of course, this is where I run out of fast-forwarding time, and have to stick it out through the commercials to find out that, indeed, Sarah kicks Arthur over to the red team. 

Black team kicks ASS on the weigh-in.  Everyone makes double-digits, and Olivia’s 12 lb weight loss puts in her the glorious ONEderland!  Under 200 lbs for our girl!  I know she was in triple spin classes at NYC over the break, so she earned it!  Hannah loses 11 lbs, too!  For an all-girls team, they pull amazing numbers!

Then it’s Red team time, and I feel kind of disloyal at this point, because I kind of want them to lose more weight.  Like Marcie, I feel torn, because Arthur needs to be on the Ranch so much!  And if Red wins, they don’t have to get rid of him.  But it is not meant to be.  Ken, Moses, Kaylee and Justin only lose single digits.  Ken and Austin both admit that being home was “stressful” (well, no doubt with your a-hole friends, Austin!).   Arthur is shooting for immunity by being the biggest loser of the week, but he has to lose 18 lbs to make that happen.  Unfortunately, he is 2 lbs short of that goal.  Rulon is the biggest loser that week. (By the way, why is this the first episode in which I’ve noticed his cauliflower ear?  I don’t think I’ll be able to look at anything else anymore.)

Again, Bob and Jillian react in a way that makes me love them more.  While Arthur says that he’ll do his best at home, Jillian LOSES IT.  She screams “Fight, PLEASE!  We have fought for you to be here!”  Bob pleads for Arthur, saying that it is not that important to play the game, when this is a matter of life and death for Arthur, that Arthur is exactly the person Biggest Loser was made for. 

Dear Justin, This Pic's for you. Hugs, DTP

While Red team gives lip service to “thinking about” keeping Arthur, predictably, they stick by their alliances and vote him off.  Justin’s speech about “I don’t feel like I can be the judge of who needs to be here the most” is absolute BULL.  A professional just BEGGED for him to stay, saying it’s life and death!  Can’t you SEE for yourself?  Kaylee could go home, easily.  Her weight-loss is slowing.  But instead, they choose Arthur to go.  And I’m angry. 

Catching up with Arthur, we see him at 345 lbs!  This is 300 lbs down from his highest weight, and he’s working out twice a day and eating healthfully.  He is determined to win the at-home prize, and I wish him luck. 

Previews for next week feature Hannah!  So, I’m grabbing my tissues for next week, too!

Looking to invest in Kleenex Co.,

Freya

P.S. I’ve now lost 20lbs. #GOME -Jane

The One Where America Learns of the Delicacy Known as Monkey Bread & “none of this stuff looks as good as a hot guy”

25 Jan

Dear Purple Team: 

After last week’s weigh-in debacle, with the Don and Dan drama, we are more than ready for this week’s challenges and excitement. However, unlike when LOST aired last year, Prez Obama did not postpone his SOTU address, in order to accommodate two hours of the Biggest Loser (or as Jane’s Mom calls it, “The Greatest Loser). Clearly, he has not gotten the memo about the Biggest Loser being the true LOST replacement. Totally annoying, but as many of our Twitterer watching partners pointed out, the one hour time frame did make the show move a little faster.

Nevertheless, we start off knowing the show will end an hour earlier and the various teams, other than you girls, attack Don for his manipulation of the scale. Bless our Hannah, who remains the only one of the group to ask, if there’s something she could do to help poor 9 lbs gaining, Don. By the way, what do you think he did to gain the 9lbs? I came up with several suggestions, like stuffing his shorts with sand, wearing 9lb glasses, or guzzling 9lbs of water before weighing in (can you even do that). Enough with the lameness, even though I am quite flummoxed by how the gaining occurred, we move on to the 1st day back in the gym and Sami Brady shows up.

Dharma Monkey Bread? Yes, please!

Sami has a special challenge for our teams and our purple ladies. She has a fully stocked locker of Dahrma food of all the player’s favorite foods. We have pizza, mac & cheese (from the box, yugggg), cheesecake, and alas–MONKEY BREAD!

Now if you’ve ever been any kind of good southern kitchen worth its weight in butter, you’ve had yourselves some monkey bread. Olivia, of course described its texture and deliciousness to Sami, because evidently they don’t make good homemade baked goods in Salem. But we’ll love her through it. And alas, Sami and the Biggest Loser watching world, now know the delicacy, Monkey Bread and all is right with the world.

Not to be out done by the glorious monkey bread our girls give us another one of the best quotes of the night, when they are locked into the “food pantry”. Just as Hannah starts to turn her head away from Olivia’s, to gaze at her favorite cheesecake, you dear Olivia stop her to say, “Does any of this look as good as a hot guy?” All of America screams, NO for you, Hannah. And you all pass your test hand in hand.

Feel the Love! Feel the Power!

No one thinks of eating not even Dan/Don or whoever. Until…….Arthur. If you had to guess from the beginning who might eat, I think we would have all guessed Arthur, I am sorry to say. Ohhh Arthur. Bless it.  At least it was just a chicken wing And now that he ate, Arthur has to choose which team to send over to the “Barracks” with the Orthers. For no rhyme or reason he choses the green team, father/daughter, Jay and Jen. Well, there it is and there they go. I am sad they have to leave their friends to go to the other team, but I can’t help thinking they’re getting a great advantage in gameplay.
 
Then I wrote a bunch of stuff here and it got erased and I cannot remember what I wrote. My computer hates me clearly. I do remember it had to do with how awesome Team Purple is, and how I liked the Courtney bonding time with her mom and how cushy the Others had it over at the “barracks”. But anyhow…..

Next there is a new challenge involving guessing the total amount of calories for 5 of the temptation challenge items. The calorie total has to be guessed then hoisted up a flag pole type device and a button is pressed that will blink green for correct and red for incorrect. The green team comes over from Team Otherton to be included for this challenge and has to compete by themselves vs the rest of their old Ranch mates. However, via an easier pulley system or something, the difficulty in hoisting the numbers is equalled out, you just have to guess the right carlorie total number. In this challenge, the winner will get mail from home and we all rejoice at home, hoping you’ll get our letters and cards!! Wahoooo.

The Ranchers vs Team Green begin. There’s screaming on the Ranchers and realize that the Green Team can hear them if they scream what numbers they choose next. Uh oh….team work isn’t the Ranchers strong suit as we’ve seen with that crazy raft challenge. Watching the wrong numbers being hoisted up and having to bring them back down again makes us feel the pain in your eyes. So frustrating! But excellent exercise!
 
So finally, our Rancher team, including you ladies get the calorie amounts correct and win the challenge. Letters explode overhead all over the Ranchers. I look to find the stuff I know that has been sent your way. Seeing your arms filled with mail, brightens my spirit. I know you feel loved. The producers let you, Olivia, read an excellent letter from dear Ben and our eyes (even Jane’s) tear up. Others read some mail as well, Arthur from his kids, Dan/Don from his not so nice son, and on. It’s awesome. What a great way to end the show!
Like I said, no weigh-ins tonight, no kicking off of anyone, no losing of anything or anyone, just loveing notes from home. It makes me feel all loving and toasty, just remembering. Until next week, where there are two weigh-ins, two people possibly being sent home, and the return of the Others to the ranch. We’re not alone anymore, ladies.               
                       
Hoping there’s room for eveyone at the table next week,
Janet and Lula
               
PS I heard Jillian say, “God Bless” this week. Bless her heart.

“It’s Never A Hot Tub.”

19 Jan

Dear Team Purple:

A theme emerged in episode three of Biggest Loser Season 11, and that’s “Live together, die alone.”  We also met the Others for the first time.

And you know any time we can work in a reference to Lost we are totally going to do it, because Jane, Lula, and our own Olivia (Team Purple!) still lament the loss of our beloved show. You are required to love us through it.  Thank you.

Team Purple, along with the rest of the peeps training with Bob & Jillian, proved the power of teamwork, while Cara and Ben Brett were finally revealed to the audience as The New Trainers, over at the Dharma camp Red Barn.  (Dun-dun-duuuuuuun.)  I like to call them “Those people who aren’t Trainer Bob & Jillian,” because let’s face it…that’s what the rest of you are calling them, too.

For the night’s first challenge we find Sami Brady nicely bundled & prepared for the rain, whereas Team Purple seems to be standing in it, sans umbrella.  OK, that’s just rude.  NBC, let’s find color-coordinated umbrellas for our Biggest Losers, shall we?   And then we have black vans, a bunch of smack talking (are we loving Courtney from the Aqua team?  We are.), the balancing of eggs on frying pans clearly purchased from Big Lots, and the winning of a prize:  lunch cooked by some dude named Curtis Stone.  Since I’m a Biggest Loser newbie the name Curtis Stone means nothing to me but Team Purple’s Hannah tells all of America, “God carved him from cream cheese.”  Fat-free cream cheese, right?  I mean, this is The Biggest Loser.

Team Aqua wins the challenge (yay, Marcy!), while The Others give it to Deni (Team Pink), which is nice of them.  I’m saddened for Team Purple, but then Trainer Bob’s Turbo Tax commercial comes on & I fire my CPA on the spot.

Meanwhile back at the Ranch (OK, y’all…cut me some slack!  It only took me 3 posts to use that phrase) we see Team Purple working it out like nobody’s business.  And because they’re so hard-working and beautiful Trainer Bob is all, “Let’s go outside to talk.”  Clearly Hannah & Olivia are Bob’s favorites and none of us are surprised by this news.

Then…I get on my knees for Bob Harper and love him more than I ever imagined possible because he is so unbelievably good to our girls.  Hannah & Olivia take turns sharing their stories with Bob (Olivia’s was not shown on air–but we have it here for you!) and as we cried along with them, Bob encouraged Team Purple to “find out what your new dreams are…it’s time to make a dream come true!“‘

Dream ladies, Dream!

The Biggest Loser – Ep 1103: Week 3 – Purple’s Worry – Video – NBC.com.

BOB FOR KING OF THE UNIVERSE.  Pass me a Kleenex, will you?

Marcy and Deni meet Curtis Stone and he cooks for them.  He also prepares the ladies a delicious, healthy lunch.  Also, Curtis Stone is not carved of fat-free cream cheese.  I said that before seeing him. Curtis Stone is full-fat Philadelphia cream cheese.

There’s also a challenge taking place while Curtis cooks but I couldn’t keep up with that.  I mean…Curtis Stone is Australian and has surfer hair and he made pan-seared halibut and I’m all, “WHY HAVE I NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW UNTIL THIS YEAR?”  Congrats to Marcy for winning a two pound advantage at the next weigh-in.  And for getting to hug Chef Stone.  Was the made of stone, Marcy?  ‘Cause you know I’m going to ask it of you.

We find our Biggest Losers facing yet another challenge and Team Purple provides, as per usual, the soundbite of the night:  Hannah sees the row of big basins and hopes for a hot tub.   Who wouldn’t?  But Olivia, the voice of reason, reminds her, “It’s never a hot tub.”  This is logic that can be applied to life at many junctures, of course.  Y’all…sometimes it’s just never a hot tub.

The challenge commences and Hannah deems it, “Straight up Little House on the Prairie-style.”  Does this mean Jillian is Nellie Oleson?  Because Bob is totally Almanzo.  Sigh…”Manly.”

That's Hot!

Team Purple and Aqua work well together.  Heck, they’re all working well together.  Dr. Jack Shepherd was right:  live together, die alone.   Another challenge completed.  And then there’s predictable drama in the house (Jillian is OVER it and so are we…I’m sure Team Purple is over it, too!) and we move on to the last chance workout.  In which Jillian proceeds to literally walk all over Olivia and Hannah.  In this context I am OK with it.  Walk all over Team Purple, Jillian.  DO IT.

And then it’s weigh-in time and you lovely purple people, lose the same as you did last time, a whopping 6 lbs! Again also, the purple ladies lose the same exact amount, which is a bit insane. As Bob says, “Those sisters are insync!” However, they’re not the only ones who are insync. Some people brought their excessive drama to the weigh in–Team Purple brought their excessive awesome, as evidenced by their consistent shedding of pounds & their always positive attitudes.

The second elimination round goes by and there are no surprises. Those go, who wanted to go. Most importantly, the purple, “insync” sisters made it through another round and WE ALL REJOICE!

“I Am Gonna Puke In This Place!”

11 Jan

Dear Team Purple:

How do you start a blog about a Team on a Show that is called the Biggest Loser? Having plenty of experience LIVE and other Blogging about LOST over the last couple of seasons, we inevitably realized that we clearly could not LIVE blog to the Biggest Loser, not just because it’s not LOST (bless LOST), but also because one cannot type while watching a dear friend and her sister who are on the Biggest Loser. Why you might ask? Well tears and typing don’t mix, Dammit. Why is this show so filled with tears? Oh right, it’s the life changing goings on, but WOW.

Having not seen much of The Biggest Loser we had no clue what to expect, other than folks busting boo-tay to lose weight.  We knew we’d cry, because our friend would be opening her heart and sharing her life, weighing on a ginormous scale while wearing bike shorts and a sports bra, and being pushed to extreme limits by two of the most famous trainers on the planet, all in front of millions of people.  She’d cry, we’d cry, Sami Brady would be crying, and you’d well up with tears.  Admit it.

But we also knew we’d all laugh, because my girl, Olivia Ward, and her sister, Hannah Curlee, would be bringing their southern sass into the homes of America, and what the world needs now is more southern sass.  Amen.

Watching the first episode of this new Season brought forth many feelings, tears, thoughts and of course, observations. However, clearly the world needs observations from a Biggest Loser Newbie to revel in, just as the show is starting its 11th Season. Lula is  just the person to share those with you:

*Bob Harper is H-O-T.  I mean, please.  Why have y’all been holding out on me?  Olivia and Janet and I have spent far too many hours discussing our love of a particular Swede but I’m now adding the trainer from Tennessee to our collective Freebie Five.  For real.

Hey there, I'm just a HOT guy you didn't know about.

*Someone needs to get me the brand & shade of Jillian’s lip gloss, as it is fabulous.  And by “someone,” I clearly mean Olivia, as she is the Make-Up Goddess.

*The Brita water bottles used by the contestants for rehydration are straight up hideous.  Can Brita not provide bottles which match each team’s prospective color?  (Purple, REPRESENT!)  If not, may I politely suggest to NBC that this might be a job for the nice people at PUR?  Is all I’m saying.

*When Olivia spoke of “going to the Ranch,” I pictured her working out at this industrial-type gym in the middle of a barren desert, surrounded by tumbleweeds, cactus, bales of hay, and maybe a few horses.  Imagine my surprise to learn that “the Ranch” is decorated with wrought-iron light fixtures, flowers and topiary trees.  It essentially looks like a resort.  This “Ranch” is awesome.

*Alison Sweeney is pretty in pink, and it might be unprofessional and fangirly of me to refer to her as “Sami Brady.”  But as Alice Horton as my witness, she will always be Samantha Brady to me.   (OH MY STARS, Team Purple has met Sami Brady!  And so our the days of your lives.)

What I learned from my first two hours of The Biggest Loser:

*Jillian is badass.  She is also not a woman who gives a sh*t.  This is a lesson we will all do well to remember.

*Bob is badass.  He is also tenderhearted.  Who didn’t appreciate his walk with Arthur?  Bob is training our friend, y’all!  That’s just awesome right there.

*Jillian would be an awesome Quidditch beater.  For Gryffindor, of course.

*Hands down, the best one-liners of the episode came from Team Purple.  No surprise there!  Let’s review some of their gems, shall we?

–“I thought this was Biggest Loser,” says Hannah.  “But apparently this is pick your own trainer–who’s behind door #2?” scoffs Olivia.

–“Really?  You’re gonna give up Bob & Jillian?” Olivia is incredulous.  So were we.  And we get it. Four weeks of immunity is an awesome gift.  But so is looking at Bob and Jillian for even just 1 week.  Wait, I said looking.   Of course I mean training.  Ahem.

–“Somebody lost a kindergartner!” “A kindergartner and a bulldog!”  Hannah & Olivia, upon learning that someone who was trained by the “unknown trainers” lost 41 pounds.

As the episode ended and we knew that both Olivia and Hannah were safely ensconced at the Ranch for another week, we agreed with Olivia’s assessment of their weight loss (16 pounds apiece):  “That is not shabby!”  Yes, that is not shabby at all!  Though neither of us have watched this show much before, clearly it will be our weekly Tuesday date  and of course we’ll use this show as our LOST replacement cheer for you to be above the yellow line.

 Our friend and her sister pushed a Chevy truck around a ranch in California.  What did you do this week?  

Outside Pushing Our Cars Down The Street,
Lula & Jane